Boredom and what it has done to me

It has been days since that poweful moon lit the entire hemisphere and it is still waning, I am still also experiencing my own moonday moments. I am literally bored these past few days. Certainly, this is not the first time I experience this boredom syndrome. Just like any active human being, time always gives me moments when I just wanted to literally STOP!

I practice everyday at home since I don't have any regular teacher on the weekdays. I like the feeling that my room has become my shala again. It is hot indeed so i opt to slice up my practice so as not to experience exhaustion. Room temperature in the morning is already "hellish."

My mind is empty for the most part of the day as I tend to be very conscious of my breathing but believe me---when you are at home for the whole day almost always there will be that tiny demons that will haunt you. And yes! I have mine too. 

I often stop to  think as to  where I am going. I have the dislike of going back to teach at the university. I simply want out and just be that free spirited being who will not be worried about the travel, requirements and expectations of people. I am less interested to teach Theology. 

My mind is filled with the desire of doing yoga more. I want to deepen my practice. I long to go somewhere and get myself taught by a spiritual teacher at least for a month. 

There is also the lingering thought of travelling and putting up my own business. I just have so much in my head.

Then I start to get worked up and bored about my state and it has become a dreadful state. Because of boredom, I also entertain thoughts and acts which are both sexual and sensual. Surprisingly, I am not feeling guilty or some sort. I just really don't like what's going on.

Then my bored self just got a little moment of epiphany today. After a good practice and a few chores at home, I started reading the book which I have bought some months ago. It's Donna Farhi's Yoga Mind, Body and Spirit. I just read her own take on the the the living principles of yoga and I feel like not going to stop. 

The Yamas and Niyamas which are the first among the ten provide me the chance to reflect on where I am in my living the yogic kind of life. I am slowly reminded about what matters to me in life and whether or not my life at the moment is what really makes me happy. My heart and my mind both are hooked because I know I am here at this stage because there is a reason. I need to undergo this journey of purification. 

The Yamas which are the wise characteristics for one to live a free life includes the following precepts:

1. Ahimsa-compassion for all living things

2. Satya- commitment to the truth

3. Asteya- Not stealing

4. Brahmacharya- merging with the One

5. Aparigaha- not grasping

The Niyamas on the other hand are the codes to live Soulfully. In includes:

1. Shaucha-purity

2. Santosha-Contentment

3. Tapas-Burning Enthusiasm

4. Swadhyaya-Self-study

5.Ishvarapranidhana- Celebration of the Spiritual

I am not yet done reading the precepts but one thing I know, I am bent to do a lot of growing up to do. After all, gold is always tested by/through fire.

The boredom that I have at the moment is not a mistake at all. I just need to find that spark once more to live the way  I should. Everything in life is perfected through practice. I am beginning to practice now.

Om shanti, shanti.

~On Boredom & Interest, by Jiddu-Krishnamurti~

 Because boredom creeps in and really, I am beginning to feel and think I'm  going insane..well, humanity bites. :)  Read please..


 

"If you are bored, why are you bored? What is the thing called boredom? Why is it that you are not interested in anything? There must be reasons and causes which have made you dull: suffering, escapes, beliefs, incessant activity, have made the mind dull, the heart unpliable.

If you could find out why you are bored, why there is no interest, then surely you would solve the problem, wouldn't you? Then the awakened interest will function.

If you are not interested in why you are bored, you cannot force yourself to be interested in an activity, merely to be doing something - like a squirrel going round in a cage. I know that this is the kind of activity most of us indulge in.

But we can find out inwardly, psychologically, why we are in this state of utter boredom; we can see why most of us are in this state: we have exhausted ourselves emotionally and mentally; we have tried so many things, so many sensations, so many amusements, so many experiments, that we have become dull, weary.

We join one group, do everything wanted of us and then leave it; we then go to something else and try that. If we fail with one psychologist, we go to somebody else or to the priest; if we fail there, we go to another teacher, and so on; we always keep going. This process of constantly stretching and letting go is exhausting, isn't it? Like all sensations, it soon dulls the mind."

"We have done that, we have gone from sensation to sensation, from excitement to excitement, till we come to a point when we are really exhausted. Now, realizing that, don't proceed any further; take a rest. Be quiet. Let the mind gather strength by itself; don't force it.

As the soil renews itself during the winter time, so, when the mind is allowed to be quiet, it renews itself. But it is very difficult to allow the mind to be quiet, to let it lie fallow after all this, for the mind wants to be doing something all the time. When you come to that point where you are really allowing yourself to be as you are - bored, ugly, hideous, or whatever it is - then there is a possibility of dealing with it."

"What happens when you accept something, when you accept what you are? When you accept that you are what you are, where is the problem? There is a problem only when we do not accept a thing as it is and wish to transform it - which does not mean that I am advocating contentment; on the contrary.

If we accept what we are, then we see that the thing which we dreaded, the thing which we called boredom, the thing which we called despair, the thing which we called fear, has undergone a complete change. There is a complete transformation of the thing of which we were afraid.

That is why it is important, as I said, to understand the process, the ways of our own thinking. Self-knowledge cannot be gathered through anybody, through any book, through any confession, psychology, or psychoanalyst.

It has to be found by yourself, because it is your life; without the widening and deepening of that knowledge of the self, do what you will, alter any outward or inward circumstances, influences - it will ever be a breeding ground of despair, pain, sorrow.

To go beyond the self-enclosing activities of the mind, you must understand them; and to understand them is to be aware of action in relationship, relationship to things, to people and to ideas.

In that relationship, which is the mirror, we begin to see ourselves, without any justification or condemnation; and from that wider and deeper knowledge oF the ways of our own mind, it is possible to proceed further; it is possible for the mind to be quiet, to receive that which is real."

~Jiddu-Krishnamurti
The First and Last Freedom

Shared by Rob Zen
Tao & Zen Community Forum

Suffering

photo taken from https://www.facebook.com/TheMindUnleashed/photos/a.434569209933563.103142.432632306793920/716543028402845/?type=1&theater

                               
Yes and there is no blaming others for everything that one gets to experience in life. Our choices determine the kind of life we are living so there is no point aiming at someone for whatever it is that we are suffering.                                 

My summer is a mixture of all that life has to offer. The heat is excruciatingly taking its toll on me. I am easily irritated and tired. My body is just not friendly with the humidity of the season. It is a roller coaster ride of emotions, something I can call unpredictable. Oh, well, I guess it's also part of my being a female specie, huh!

I feel so unproductive as I am really idle most of the time. I want to go out often but there are factors that hinder me. Financially wise, I need to be cautious. I am specifically bored with the way my life is leading me. I want  to be active because aside from being laidback, I am really energetic.

Since I am alone most often I turn to books and some good shows on TV. I practice some poses too but something is just telling me I still can do something more.

As I am writing this, It just dawned on me what Osho has emphatically said above. It is not really about where I am or who I am with. My discomfort and convenience depend on me alone.

I need to breathe now. Everything is gonna be alright. I have to make it work today. Ohh, how about some handstands on the wall for strength? :)

Whatever state we  are in, let's just get the most out of it. Peace everyone. All is well in the end.

Namaste!

Peaceful Sunday

I was totally bored and aimless for the past couple of days. I bet it's because my cycle's waning. Apart from being a bit lazy to teach and at the same annoyed in between sessions, I was totally a hopeless person. I was just glad I still kept a bit of my center.

Because boredom crept in, I decided to do something different on a Sunday...in anticipation of lunar new year. I went to china town and enjoyed a peaceful stroll. Despite my erratic sense of direction, I was glad I was brought perfectly to the place where I wanted to be.

Walking around, I was able to witness the dragon parade. It was actually my first time. I was also able to visit a Buddhist exhibit . I bought some items and had a photo taken with a monk. I felt a sense of relief just by being there.

I bought a few lucky charms. Not that I am very superstitious but it's cool having some souvenirs.

It was a great walk but I also ended up missing my lunch. I was way too hungry to even do anything other than grabbing some bite. It was a long travel going to coffee bean and had spicy tuna linguine and fruit tea. I was full but I had an upset stomach later in the evening.

I was a bit tired and my left sandal was giving up but I had fun. I shifted gear today and I gained good energy. I am awfully thankful.

Have a great lunar new year.

Namaste!

Christmas radical thoughts

It's Christmas tomorrow and what does this self believe?
Well, I am not gonna lie that I am becoming less appreciative of this tradition. My childlike excitement vanishes at some point . There are less , if not, zero wishes for myself.
Life is cheap specially that my beloved hometown has been terribly hit by nature's wrath. My family is alright but there is a strain that affects my connection with them. All because of this perennial woman thing , maybe.
I will certainly stay in my pad the whole time, unless of course , there's a viable invitation. There will be less to eat. I just wish i could give more.
This self has become more radical in the way Christmas is celebrated. As I age and become more independent, there appear better options than lavish spending .

I woke up today after having great dreams. They sufficed what I missed and longed for.

I called them saving grace.

I still wish everyone a great and blessed Christmas. May you have peace!


Namaste!

All Great! ( Daily Examen 5)

I finally have my monthly guest.It visited me yesterday actually while I was very busy processing the renewal of my passport at the Department of Foreign Affairs. I have to say that I like better the system this time and the new place is also more presentable and well ventilated. Kudos  DFA!

I had to cancel my afternoon classes yesterday for I needed to take my late lunch at the Robinson's galeria. After having my favorite tausi fish and tofu with rice, i went to the Smart Communication wireless center to air out my complain about me being redirected because they claimed I didnt pay my bill. I was so agitated that I acted  very uncontrollable while waiting for my turn to be heard out. My anger I know was magnified because of my period. There were other customers who looked at me perhaps trying to console me or feel my lament. It was just very unfair to be cut despite the fact that I paid very early. It was very disppointing to know that it's their system that  failed but I am loving my customer service representative though.  She's sincerely apologetic in behalf of the company. I couldnt help but be calm again and try to make her feel comfortable with my presence.I apologized to her also and explained why i acted that way. I have to claim that I have found a friend in her. Actually there were already two of them. I was glad things were well taken cared of.It always pays to be assertive.

I have learned that it's good not to practice if one has her period. and if one does, she has to skip inversions. I dont know if i was stubborn or just simply determined. It's my heaviest flow but i went to the shala and did without  skipping the poses i had to execute. I was so fearless that I even did the headstand. My energy was just so huge that i didnt feel any strain in my arms or back. I guess the universe allowed me to practice today since I havent done any for the past five days. I am very grateful until now.

It's always nice to chat with my fellow yogins after the practice. I love being surrounded with great energies. They make me survive the full week of working alone.

I am also elated having watched the first game of the UAAP finals. I thought the Ateneo Blue Eagles wont make it as they were behind during the first half but they made it to the win giving the FEU Tamaraws a great disadvantage. I was cheering the whole time like crazy while watching it alone in the house. I'm always a fan of great games.

Life is generally awesome this week. I am glad I was also able to help a friend. I guess I have done something to make my life worth living. Basically, I am peaceful and joyful. I would like to thank my God for not abandoning me all the time. He always sticks with me when everyone else left.

Namaste!

Weekender

I'm up and about as Im writingg this.Though I feel a bit emotional due to my coming monthly gift, I need to say that my disposition today is generally fabulous. My night dreams since last night were so peaceful that I ended up waking up with a smile on my face. When I surrender to the HIGHER BEING, I feel lighter.

I arrived thirty minutes earlier at the shala. It was nice seeing earlier yogins doing their savasanas and asanas. Each breathed for life, I should say.Each breathed for gratitude. I also did mine. Starting off with few breathing, then stretching, followed by savasana then the asanas. My teacher introduced another two poses. My headstand still needed more hardwork. Nature, who assisted me, said that I was very flexible and because of that I had the tendency to lean on one side. True indeed. I need to get back to my 'bandaas'. It's very important to get my balance to stand still using my beloved head.

I loved being silly a bit with my new found yoga friend, Chona.I also loved chatting with other great women Shasheen and Reggie.I walked out of the shala filled with love and peace.

I continued the silencing at the mall's adoration chapel. Staying there for almost an hour was filled with bliss.Not  minding what lies ahead.Surrendering again.Letting that FORCE rule matters.

After the physical and spiritual exercises, I went straight to my favorite The Coffee Bean and had my tuna pandesal and Choco dip cookie for lunch.I also did some readings for my paper while listening to my ipod.

my tuna pandesal

                                  

choco dip cookie

                                  
Doing some food shopping followed.I run out of cash so I decided to use my credit card. I wish I had enough until the end of the month.

I already felt very tired and sleepy while I was inside the taxi.It's nice to be home.

At this juncture, I am watching the UAAP Cheerdance Competition.Eight great universities are showcasing their skills in this even.I am rooting for the Ateneo of course but I am loving the performance of the University of the Philippines. It was breathtaking. I am thinking of Jon, my yoga teacher. I know he's very happy now watching his flock.

It's raining still.The week is about to end.I am very glad I find peace in progress. I am loving my energy.

Here's for love. Namaste readers.

a gift..once more

The sun has been smiling at me since I woke up this morning.It was not the case two weeks ago.I was down and trapped within me.I felt squeezed hard like a sponge and I thought I would not be able to get back in shape.I had a tremendous first two weeks of August.I didnt even know it was coming.My intuitive friend had read me right.All i had were anger, jealousy, confusion, fear, impatience.I didnt even know where in the world I would go.It was a very hard battle.There wasnt any more faith in me.I had only yoga to save my day.I was the totally lost JENNY.For two weeks I was trying to survive.I was still doing what I had to do.During moments of aloneness, I was helpless...then...

On a Sunday evening I decided to light my three candles.I cancelled my classes and turned off all the lights.Then I start to sit.For an hour I was totally uncontrollable.My breath was labored but I kept going.I had the most beautiful prayer in years.I had the best conversation with HIM.As I opened my eyes, I saw the sign.Literally, he gave me peace.In utter surrender I was just there.Letting everything go."I MISSED YOU," was all i could say.I have missed him like this.I have missed my maker BIG TIME.

My eyes were swollen as I woke up the next day. I didnt know that the long prayer I had was the beginning of something more.I started to go to meditate the next day until now.I have a great intention to ask.I made a vow to receive him in communion for 9 straight days.This is the third day.

Receiving HIM at the Eucharist is healing.I feel I am brought back to my spiritual journey years ago.He has always been waiting for me to come home to him. I thought I had been with him but I was wrong.He doesnt want me to talk more.He just wants me to be with HIM.I am slowly healed and I am getting there.I am freer again.I am slowly detached from my own ego.I want to be more selfless and He is doing his thing.

I can now write because I am alright.GOD is good all the time.The universe is true to its promise.It is always a relief to come home.I bet it's not easy.

I am grateful for the peace.

Namaste!