Surrender

Family matters always affect me.(I guess everyone does.) Being the eldest (after sister died) I have to assume the responsibilty of being the second parent to 2 sisters and a brother.It's not that this is entirely my obligation.It's just that there is that unwritten rule somewhere deep within that tells me this is what I am supposed to take as a member of this unit. MY FAMILY.

It pains me knowing some things arent going well within my circle.I try to play cool about it simply because I couldnt do anything about my siblings' lives nor they could for me.Even if we are connected by blood, we are still different souls having distinct aspirations in life.It wont change whatever the situation is.All along I thought I would be this tough in handling family concerns but I am now a bit crushed  all because of the vicious cycle that's happening and I need to stop it.

Adulthood doesnt only refer to advancing in age.Moreso, it doesnt only connote marriage or motherhood.It also has to be coupled with responsibility to take on the consequences of the previous actions.It also entails being sensitive to what the others have to feel about certain behaviors  we manifested then and now.Perhaps later.

Today, I talked to my mom.With a crushed spirit, I told her everything I had to.Most of them were actually lamentations.I have enough about everything that a sibling has done to my family.As the eldest, I am so affected about everything that has been happening to her.My poor aging parents have to suffer the consequences of her actions.The energy that she's created is so heavy that I didnt want to go home anymore.

I love her with all my might but I guess she needs to grow up.Somewhere she's got to take her role as a mom, as a daughter and as a sister to all of us.I definitely have to end my messianic tendency.I need to let her go however painful it is.She has her life for sure.She has to know we wont be by her side forever.

My mom knew how angry, devastated and disappointed I am.With all the efforts that each of us did, up until this time, she's not growing up.I guess it's now her time to do it all by herself.I'm so tired hearing the same things.I now understand what my brother once told me.We did what we could but she took it the wrong way.

There is still confusion in my head now.I couldnt see my family personally as I am far from them.I need so badly to go home and scream and get angry at her.I know too going home isnt the best option.I need to let my emotions stabilize.I need to be still.

Now I know where my disturbance came from.Because I am part of a family, I am in most ways influenced about what's happening out there.

I have missed the once vibrant rapport I had with her.I have missed the laughters.I love her BIG TIME but there is always that POINT in being sisters where we just need to pause to fully understand things.WE need to grow.We need to be responsible.She needs to see on her end that she's got a BIG THING to take care of and that we (specially my parents) arent supposed to be dragged down into the bottom because of her "not so well thought of actions."

After an emotional talk with mom today, I just had to keep on chanting.I just had to keep on breathing. I just had to keep lifting my heart.In pain and desperation, I surrender this.

I know she'll read this. When she does, I wish she knew I am praying for her.She's a sister to me and that wont change.

I still believe this episode brings great ending.I still believe she has the best years ahead of her.My heart believes.

OM.

                                    photos taken form google images