Random thoughts 2

The week has been a great one.This heart is again grateful.Except for a seemingly lethargic body (woman thing) I still have accomplished so much that I couldnt even keep track of them all.My mind can only recall few major highlights that have made my week awesome.


Starting off with  me having completed my interviews.Except for one who hasnt met me yet for further clarifications, my four women have been generous enough to spend their time with me and really pour their hearts out as we went on with our my interviews/chat. I gave myself one month to complete everything but the Universe has allowed me to finish things before the month ends.HAPPY!                                             




                   Meet My Women

Jen Riazon of IBM

Crischel Cruz of JP Morgan & Chase



AC Adap of Startek



Cherry Alemania of Transcom Asia



My friend Amy who has introduced me to the four women


I am very grateful to Amy for having introducing me to the four women.Without her, I bet I would still be looking for interviewees this time.This self is glad to have her as my friend.

A simple ice cream party in the house with Amy's siblings also made my week relaxing.It's priceless chilling with simple folks and spending an afternoon just laughing out with our silly jokes. There's just  nothing like one laid back ice cream party.Watching Kung Fu Panda with them , (without Donn) was equally cool too.

It has also been a while since I went out with my Lora.Unexpectedly we had the chance to hear mass together at the EDSA shrine then lunch at his office.It was nice reminiscing with him our great moments with the choir.Ahhh, we're just very  noisy and nosy churchgoers.





To top it all, my yoga practices were also great.I had done one at home and I was able to attend one on a Thursday evening.I love the energy around the shala.Tomorrow's gonna be another yoga day but right now I am already very thankful that despite the odds this week, I was still able to pull through.There were setbacks in between days but the universe had always plan things ahead.





As my channels are opened each time, more great energies are coming in .I guess I wont survive without people around that really matter to me and my faith that has proven been strong as ever.

The Scroll Marked V by Og Mandino

We dont exactly know when the hour comes when we would have our last day on earth.I dont condemn people who calculate the end time but my notion is steadfast.
We are all mortals and certainly we would go and leave this impermanent world.Each day therefore is a chance for me to do what I'm supposed to do so that when I would finally face my Maker, He would be pleased to have be back.


Here's one great piece that  has been my inspiration as I live my life as a pilgrim here on Earth.






from google images

                               
I will live this day as if it is my last.
And what shall I do with this last precious day, which remains in my keeping? First, I will seal up its container of life so that not one drop spills itself upon the sand. I will waste not a moment mourning yesterday’s misfortunes, yesterday’s defeats, yesterday’s aches of the heart, for why should I throw good after bad?
Can sand flow upward in the hourglass? Will the sun rise where it sets and set where it rises? Can I relive the errors of yesterday and right them? Can I call back yesterday’s wounds and make them whole? Can I become younger than yesterday? Can I take back the evil that was spoken, the blows that were struck, the pain that was caused? No. Yesterday is buried forever and I will think of it no more.

I will live this day as if it is my last.
And what then shall I do? Forgetting yesterday neither will I think of tomorrow. Why should I throw now after maybe? Can tomorrow’s sand flow through the glass before today’s? Will the sun rise twice this morning? Can I perform tomorrow’s deeds while standing in today’s path? Can I place tomorrow’s gold in today’s purse? Can tomorrow’s child be born today? Can tomorrow’s death cast its shadow backward and darken today’s joy? Should I concern myself over events, which I may never witness? Should I torment myself with problems that may never come to pass? No! Tomorrow lies buried with yesterday, and I will think of it no more.

I will live this day as if it is my last.
This day is all I have and these hours are now my eternity. I greet this sunrise with cries of joy as a prisoner who is reprieved from death. I lift mine arms with thanks for this priceless gift of a new day. So too, I will beat upon my heart with gratitude as I consider all who greeted yesterday’s sunrise who are no longer with the living today. I am indeed a fortunate man and today’s hours are but a bonus, undeserved. Why have I been allowed to live this extra day when others, far better than I have departed? Is it that they have accomplished their purpose while mine is yet to be achieved? Is this another opportunity for me to become the man I know I can be? Is there a purpose in nature? Is this my day to excel?

I will live this day as if it is my last.
I have but one life and life is naught but a measurement of time. When I waste one I destroy the other. If I waste today I destroy the last page of my life. Therefore, each hour of this day will I cherish for it can never return. It cannot be banked today to be withdrawn on the morrow, for who can trap the wind? Each minute of this day will I grasp with both hands and fondle with love for its value is beyond price. What dying man can purchase another breath though he willingly give all his gold? What price dare I place on the hours ahead? I will make them priceless!

I will live this day as if it my last.
I will avoid with fury the killers of time. Procrastination I will destroy with action; doubt I will bury under faith; fear I will dismember with confidence. Where there are idle mouths I will listen not; where there are idle hands I will linger not; where there are idle bodies I will visit not. Henceforth I know that to court idleness is to steal food, clothing, and warmth from those I love. I am not a thief. I am a man of love and today is my last chance to prove my love and my greatness.

I will live this day as if it is my last.
The duties of today I shall fulfill today. Today I shall fondle my children while they are young; tomorrow they will be gone, and so will I. Today I shall embrace my woman with sweet kisses; tomorrow she will be gone, and so will I. Today I shall lift up a friend in need; tomorrow he will no longer cry for help, nor will I hear his cries. Today I shall give myself in sacrifice and work; tomorrow I will have nothing to give, and there will be none to receive.

I will live this day as if it is my last.
And if it is my last, it will be my greatest monument. This day I will make the best day of my life. This day I will drink every minute to its full. I will savor its taste and give thanks. I will maketh every hour count and each minute I will trade only for something of value. I will labor harder than ever before and push my muscles until they cry for relief, and then I will continue. I will make more calls than ever before. I will sell more goods than ever before. I will earn more gold than ever before. Each minute of today will be more fruitful than hours of yesterday. My last must be my best.

I will live this day as if it is my last. And if it is not, I shall fall to my knees and give thanks.

It's a moon day



from google images


I was supposed to practice yoga with my new friend Ginger at the studio today when she sent me a message telling me it's a moon day and there's got to be no usual practice this time.Oh yeah! So i readily had to search on moon days and yoga practices.

I remember I had attended two yoga classes on moon days before and my teachers really DID emphasize that it's not really advisable to practice during these days as nature is way so strong.No wonder my gurus had to make some modifications of the poses during those sessions.It is believed in Ashtanga yoga that  moon days are dangerous  and to practice on these days increases the risk of injury.

I am feeling so lethargic that I ended up just staying in bed most of the time.I tend to get easily annoyed and my mind is a  bit crowded.Nothing seems to be right.My reflexes are way too slow and my concentration is so imperfect.I understand it is also a time to be creative in a way but not for me.I am way too clumsy to even lift a spoon this time.

I am taught in yoga and in my spiritual readings that there is a need for me to be gentle with my body on these days.I need to understand that every month, there will always be low moments.Erratic changes of emotions are seemingly incomprehensible but just the same, it pays to be gentle to oneself.

Read more..
http://www.rateyoga.com/moon-days/

Life Is Like A Cup of Coffee - Inspirational Video Movie

I have been with a lot of people who put labels and tags as they relate with one another.They would regard you as mighty if you  own something or that you have the capacity to give in to their favors.It makes me uncomfortable to be with people who seem to only care about what I have physically and materially .It drains my energy.Status symbols do not guarantee our happiness. The video hopefully inspires all of us to live simply and look at the person's heart and judge him not from the outside.

An Inspirational Video 1 - The Law Of Attraction

When things seem to disappoint us, there are always a thousand reasons to smile.Sometimes it's not all about the people around us but it's more on the way we deal with life's ups and downs that matter.People will never be constantly loyal to us.Hypocrisy abounds.There is always that SELF that is waiting for our attention.I guess this video just reminds us to be more sober and recognize that we need to be more believing in our capacity to reach that goal.What better way to start the week than patting our shouldes and say..Hey, it will be alright, ok.

Namaste.

Weeklong highlights

My week has been great as I was able to attend to events  which were both tranquil and exhilarating.On a Thursday, I attended the violin recital of one of my great students/friends way back when I was teaching in an all boys' school.It felt good to be considered an important person in his life and when he called me on stage, I was just very overwhelmed.



he played like  a pro..lovin' the repertoire




after his performance

 I also had the time to eat my favorite guinataan with amy and his brother.Thanks to amy dear who took time to cook it via my request. We also played badminton on a very hot and humid saturday at AERODROME.It was great sweating out and at the same time learning the ropes of the game.I was glad i scored some points.It was not bad for a beginner.

Swimming and challenging the waves at Club Manila East were exciting treats for my soon to be stressful week. I love the water so much that I could not stop being there for hours.




with amy



lovin' the blue and white so much



feeling so refreshed

 I will be facing another uncertain week.I dont know whether or not i will complete the whole set of my interviews.There are books to be read, lessons to be taught, errands to be done  and some clips to be watched.Apart from this, this heart is really hurting each day.I didnt know that the universe could bring me so much love in my heart that I can only let go again because it's the best thing there is.The hurting is beautiful ..YES...Sublime loving it is.    

Namaste everyone!                         
                              

WE ARE MARSHALL(2006 movie)

                             

I saw this movie via HBO three years ago but up until now it has left a spot in my heart.Matthew McConaughey was just amazing. He gave justice playing the role of a football coach who wanted so much to give hope to his team and to everyone else who had been into mourning since the death of almost the entire  football team in a plane crash.The plot was no extraordinary feat but stories like this always give me the strength to continue fighting through life no matter how uncertain the results would be.As the new coach McConaughey emphatically contradicted the norm that it's always winning that matters.He stressed that winning and losing do not really matter in any game.It is how we play the game that counts most.I agree.Doing things by heart is enough to make one a winner.In life too, i have often failed and won.This  really dont matter to me largely.I still stand a winner in every streak of the game whatever the result is because i always give my best shot to life.This 2006 flick  made me cry BIG TIME but it also  made me realized once more that there are better things in this game called life than complaining.There are opportunities worth grabbing.I should hold on to my faith.

"The story told in "We Are Marshall" sounds a little like the invention of a screenwriter. An airplane carrying a university football team crashes, killing nearly all of the players, most of the coaching staff and several prominent fans. The university and the close-knit surrounding community are devastated but decide to persevere. A new head coach assembles a team of freshman and athletes who have never played football. This motley crew goes on to win its first home game with a record-breaking number of fans in attendance.

But in spite of sounding like they were made for Hollywood, these events really took place. On November 14, 1970, Southern Airways Flight 932 crashed on approach to Tri-State Airport in Kenova, West Virginia. Marshall University had chartered the plane to carry its football team, the Thundering Herd, home from a game against East Carolina University. All 70 passengers and five crew members were killed. Only a handful of the Thundering Herd were not on board. "(http://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/we-are-marshall.htm)

Balance(A Repost)

from google images

              
According to Aristotle, man's form comprises a soul, which has a plant-like part, an animal part, and a rational part.So how should we live?What does it require to live a good life?He answered that man can only achieve happiness by using all his abilities and capabilities.He held that there are three forms of happiness.The first form is alife of pleasure and enjoyment.The second is that happiness is a life as a free and responsible citizen and the third form of happiness is a life as a thinker and philosopher. Aristotle then emphasized that all three criteria must be present at the same time for man to find happiness and fulfillment.He rejected all forms of imbalance.Had he lived today he might have said that a person who only develops his body lives a life that is just as unbalanced as someone who only uses his head.Both extremes are an expression of a warped way of life. The same principles applies in human relationships, where he advocated the "Golden Mean." We must neither be cowardly nor rash, but courageous(too little courage is cowardice, too much is rashness), neither miserly nor extravagant but liberal (not liberal enough is miserly, too liberal is extravagant). The same goes for eating. It is dangerous to eat too little, but also dangerous to eat too much. The ethics of Plato and Aristotle contain echoes of Greek medicine:only by exercising balance and temperance will I achieve a happy and harmonious life.


 Based on the book "Sophies World ,"by Jostein Gaarder.

Kiss the Rain (Yiruma)

Another one from Yiruma.Betty (Pyeon SI ON) recommended this.God, I just love this.He's such a genius. Lovely melody.Goosebumps!

Korean Food | Gimbop | Korean Style Sushi Roll

Korean Food Gimbop Korean Style Sushi Roll

On food...simply

If there's one thing that would definitely identify me from the rest of my closest friends, if would be my choice of what to eat.I am not really a voracious eater.My appetite is kind of lame compared to my peers who could eat anything with gusto.Back home then I was the only soul who had slow food intake.I would often envy someone who could consume a lot in an hour.

My choice of food is very basic too.I love simple dishes.I was exposed to a home that often served veggies on the table and so I still love having them now that i am cooking on my own.I love colors on my platter.Mixed veggies appeal to me.Camote tops salad is always a good treat specially when it's raining.I like the taste of salad in any form and style.I just dont like to have so much dressing on it.I love to taste the freshness of everything.Of course fruits are indespensable in my diet.

Bo-kum-bop
Kimchi Fried Rice
김치볶음밥

 @ http://www.trifood.com/gimbop.asp

                         
I am not a meat person ever since.I love chicken of course but i have stopped eating them early last year.Having seafood on my diet is still  important.In time, I guess I will also be giving up on this. There is no special reason for this.I just want these creatures to enjoy living.(:)

I love korean dishes too.Kimchi for me is a good appetizer.I am a big fan of GIM BOP (rice rolls).I love having kimchi fried rice in the morning.I am not a soup person but lately i have to have it since my doctor told me i need to take something hot specially in the morning.

Gim-bop
Korean Style Sushi Roll
김밥
 @ http://www.trifood.com/gimbop.asp

                         

Coffee is not my thing.I had some cups before but i got stomach problems after.I love having green tea. Bread and pastries are closest to my heart.I have a sweet tooth.Chocolates and cakes are my life savers.I can still go for pasta.Meatless of course.

Green tea, Tuna sandwich at The Cofee Bean

                      

I am not a good eater perhaps.I dont go for stuffy food.I like it simple.I admire of course the intricacies of cooking but because I am a busy person, I only have time for simple but healthy options.I can eat an apple or banana for a meal.I guess that's fine with me.

Anyway, why did I spend a page talking blah blahs about food?I guess there's no particular reason for this actually.It's just that earlier today my cousin served me SPAM for breakfast and i ate it.Then I felt i have indulged.Then i was thinking....Man, this isnt my stuff anymore.

You are what you eat is an old adage.I believe this is true.I am what i am eating.I only like simple stuff simply because I am a less complicated individual in the bigger scheme of things.

Ashley Banjo nd Diversity perform on he final of go to Dance HD GTD Fina...

I have been loving Got to Dance(UK) since early last year.Ashley Banjo's a great mentor/judge.His group DIVERSITY rocks.Watch and you'll see why they actually won Britain's and the world's hearts.

The Road NOT Taken

from google images

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,



And sorry I could not travel both


And be one traveller, long I stood


And looked down one as far as I could


To where it bent in the undergrowth;






Then took the other, as just as fair,


And having perhaps the better claim,


Because it was grassy and wanted wear;


Though as for that the passing there


Had worn them really about the same,






And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.


Oh, I kept the first for another day!


Yet knowing how way leads on to way,


I doubted if I should ever come back.






I shall be telling this with a sigh


Somewhere ages and ages hence:


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--


I took the one less traveled by,


And that has made all the difference



...Robert Frost
 
Making a difference is never an easy task to do specially when you know that the society where you live in has so much expectations of you.It is as if they already made a great plan of what would happen to your life at a certain point.I must admit I did have come to that moment when I was about to give in to what other people are expecting from me.It was by the sheer grace that I was able to decide that I am always a different person...so different that I havent  ever wanted to be put in a box.I want my own niche in this world.I am my own life.
 
Just like the speaker who was caught between two diverging roads, I too have been into a lot of crossroads in my life.Choosing between staying single and getting married, doing theology or getting a postgraduate English degree, working abroad or staying in the Philippines for good, being with these friends or staying away from them, doing yoga or swimming....these are just some options that are equally good ones.At the end of the day though, I have to only pick one from each set of priorities. Most of the times though, my options prove to be the radical ones.I havent regretted them.
 
In this world, it is not always cool to be going with the flow of things.The choices that we make reveal the kind of persons that we are.Each option is a manifestation of the kind of values we have in life.Living the alternative life for me is what makes me a better person.It is by making a different route that I distinguish myself from the rest.
 
The road that Im taking now is not an extraordinary one.However, it is this path that makes all the difference.It is in this choice that I become what I feel the universe has wanted me to be.It is in here that I have found bliss...moreso...peace.

Surrender

Family matters always affect me.(I guess everyone does.) Being the eldest (after sister died) I have to assume the responsibilty of being the second parent to 2 sisters and a brother.It's not that this is entirely my obligation.It's just that there is that unwritten rule somewhere deep within that tells me this is what I am supposed to take as a member of this unit. MY FAMILY.

It pains me knowing some things arent going well within my circle.I try to play cool about it simply because I couldnt do anything about my siblings' lives nor they could for me.Even if we are connected by blood, we are still different souls having distinct aspirations in life.It wont change whatever the situation is.All along I thought I would be this tough in handling family concerns but I am now a bit crushed  all because of the vicious cycle that's happening and I need to stop it.

Adulthood doesnt only refer to advancing in age.Moreso, it doesnt only connote marriage or motherhood.It also has to be coupled with responsibility to take on the consequences of the previous actions.It also entails being sensitive to what the others have to feel about certain behaviors  we manifested then and now.Perhaps later.

Today, I talked to my mom.With a crushed spirit, I told her everything I had to.Most of them were actually lamentations.I have enough about everything that a sibling has done to my family.As the eldest, I am so affected about everything that has been happening to her.My poor aging parents have to suffer the consequences of her actions.The energy that she's created is so heavy that I didnt want to go home anymore.

I love her with all my might but I guess she needs to grow up.Somewhere she's got to take her role as a mom, as a daughter and as a sister to all of us.I definitely have to end my messianic tendency.I need to let her go however painful it is.She has her life for sure.She has to know we wont be by her side forever.

My mom knew how angry, devastated and disappointed I am.With all the efforts that each of us did, up until this time, she's not growing up.I guess it's now her time to do it all by herself.I'm so tired hearing the same things.I now understand what my brother once told me.We did what we could but she took it the wrong way.

There is still confusion in my head now.I couldnt see my family personally as I am far from them.I need so badly to go home and scream and get angry at her.I know too going home isnt the best option.I need to let my emotions stabilize.I need to be still.

Now I know where my disturbance came from.Because I am part of a family, I am in most ways influenced about what's happening out there.

I have missed the once vibrant rapport I had with her.I have missed the laughters.I love her BIG TIME but there is always that POINT in being sisters where we just need to pause to fully understand things.WE need to grow.We need to be responsible.She needs to see on her end that she's got a BIG THING to take care of and that we (specially my parents) arent supposed to be dragged down into the bottom because of her "not so well thought of actions."

After an emotional talk with mom today, I just had to keep on chanting.I just had to keep on breathing. I just had to keep lifting my heart.In pain and desperation, I surrender this.

I know she'll read this. When she does, I wish she knew I am praying for her.She's a sister to me and that wont change.

I still believe this episode brings great ending.I still believe she has the best years ahead of her.My heart believes.

OM.

                                    photos taken form google images

Yiruma - River Flows in You

Alice , my student, introduced this Korean artist to me.Tonight I was again brought to a trance as I listened to this piece.Lovely melody.Thanks Alice.

Yiruma - River Flows in You

Blessed Tuesday

My previous blog revealed my very lethargic and twisted self.It surfaced an energy that's a bit down.At the end of the day though, I was brought back to where I am supposed to be. MYSELF!


I joined the evening practice at the studio today. My friend Abel was there too.We were waiting for our teacher for some time because she was stuck in  traffic somewhere.I admired the patience of everbody.Each took time to be quiet.The waiting was a chance for me to prepare.I started letting go of the unnecessary burdens in my heart and mind.I began to let loose of my pent up emotions that drag me down.The waiting was long enough for me to focus again to where I am supposed to be..MYSELF!


Teacher Connie arrived telling us that Teacher Nature's still on her way.She had to let Abel and I stay in front so the new students could stay at the back.The practice went well.I just had a hard time with the first balance pose.I guess most of us did. Teacher Connie was encouraging enough that I didnt feel conscious at all.


We did countless VINYASAS but i didnt mind.I felt my good energy was coming back in the middle of the practice.Backbends were good as well as the shoulder stands.Sweat was all over the place.I felt like I swam the whole time.I felt so good.


Teacher Nature assisted the new student.She was at the back observing us too. She closed the practice and told us that we did a good job.I AM VERY GRATEFUL.


After the practice, I had the chance to chat with the other yogins.They were good souls that I couldnt stop thanking them for the great energy they gave me.

I went home and I was still able to teach my students.I am now back.Then I got a message from a friend telling me about my possible interviewee.I was smiling!


The universe has its own way of revealing things.Today, i had so much of those revelations that would change me BIG TIME.My practice today was one of the best.I am forever thankful.


I am off to bed now.Tomorrow's gonna be a great day.I am back and that is really what matters.

Namaste.

Random thoughts

As of my writing this, I still havent any confirmation from my interviewees.There is a feeling of restlessness in me and i guess it would lead to impatience.I try to console myself by saying "C'mon Jen..no one's pressuring you in here." I just cant get people do things according to my time.After all, my women are busy bound call center dolls.

I am a bit lethargic too in a way that I want to linger in bed the whole time.I dont know if it's because of the heat or simply because my mind is a bit twisted lately.A lot of images and thoughts are getting in the way and they are threatening my peace.Just the same, life has to go on each day and I'm making all possible effort i can not to allow myself to be overwhelmed by all these temporal mindset.

There is a strain that pulls me away from the reality at the moment.Some truths are harder to accept than i thought.All I want is just to really let things pass and then perhaps at the end of the day, I am up and about again. Yoga practice helps let go.Om.

Bret Michaels & Casey James performs "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" on Amer...

glimpses: Day 3

glimpses: Day 3

Day 3

After having breakfast, I went out and took a ride to the mountains to visit the transfiguration monastery.Of course, i knew that I had to walk some distance before I could reach the place.The road was muddy for it was raining last night.There were only few people I met on my way.Each of them seemed to be very busy with some mundane tasks.The laidback life was such a cause of envy at some point.It was no joke arriving to my destination.I had to take some shortcuts because it was indeed very far.I made my own trail along the grassy and muddy field.I was a bit scared knowing that there were certainly snakes there.I had to even run so I could reach a clearer space.My pants were decorated with all those thorns.My shoes were covered with mud.I was greeted by a young boy telling me that I was alomost there.After like thirty minutes, I reached the top and the guard could tell that I was alone and I was taking the short cut since I looked awful.Anyway, I had to take off my shoes since they're all so muddy.I met an old man and his daughter cleaning the place.After sitting in silence, i talked to him while he offered to take some photos of me.He hesitated to have their photos taken with me.I understood.I felt so tired after all the treading.There was no way for me though to take a ride back so I had to walk again.It was just good Kuya told me to take another route that's not very dangerous and would only take me one and a half kilometers.While walking, I had to pretend that I wasnt afraid of snakes or any other animals around.Kuya assured me actually that there were a lot of snakes in the area.I wanted to run fast again but I decided to take my cool.Listening to my ipod and saying few prayers helped.I thankfully got to the highway safely .I just looked so awful with my hair in total disarray and my pants and shoes all painted with mud.I took a ride back to the retreat house after visiting the city's Cathedral.I was really so hungry and thirsty that I ended up devouring whatever was there on the table for me.

While resting in bed, I said a prayer of thanksgiving.The sight of me jumping and leaping on my way to the top was one of my defining moments.The freedom that I experienced that time was beyond description.Christmas is giving myself what It truly deserves.It's totally pampering myself to the joys of life that money cant really buy.It's not only my family nor friends that can make me whole.Simply being attuned to nature in its simples form is what I was desiring...and I got it.

My being here for 3 days is not only about rest.It's not only about prayer too.It's simply going back to where I came from.Myself.It's not easy though.I needed to experience my body pains to be brought here but it was worth it.

I'm not yet physically fine.I am still emotional and tired but my heart leaps for joy.I will be going back to CDO tomorrow.I would bring with me the 3 days that I spent with myself and my GOD wherever.

I was just walking and saw him like this.I asked him if i coudd take photos of him and he nodded

the entrance to the long walk again...

the monastery...one side

leaning on that big stone at the heart of the chapel

i would really be there...at the other side..awesome!

Day 2

I slept well last night .Heavy flow of energy is felt until now.The weather is cold in here for it's raining.Breakfast and lunch were healthy.I had my morning walk outside the retreat house while taking some photos of the freshly watered flowers.I also spent some moments at the donwstairs chapel.I just sat there in silence.I could hear my heart beating irregularly and my mind's clogged.I've tried breathing exercises though.My body just needed rest still.I went inside my room afterwards, stayed in bed and listened to my ipod while reading anotherJostein Gaarder novel.By the way, I just finished The Ringmaster's Daughter yesterday.

Like what I had mentioned, I am not here for a rigid spiritual journey but the whole place brings me slowly into healing.There is so much of nature that abound in here that my vulnerability at the moment is strengthened.The rain continues to pour gently to the ground and the trees and grasses are becoming greener.

I went out after lunch to buy some items at a nearby mall.I could see all kinds of people around.I watched the driver of the tricycle and I thought how hardworking he was.I was asking myself if he had a good lunch or if he earned well.I saw people on the streets.Each paced to his destination.I was thinking about why I'm here.I purposely seek refuge because of my weakness and there are those that are out there in the rain tyring to make both ends meet perhaps.I felt a sense of sadness maybe because I wanted to journey with them in the discomforts that they may be having.Perhaps my frailty at the moment is not in comparison with the old man and woman peddling or the workers who had to find shelter in front of the retreat house but I am still in pain.I have to dwell with this.This is how life works in me.It's enough that I'm here and listening to my body.I only have one day left before I'll get to go back home.By that time, I am praying my energy would be replenished.

I am waiting for my students.I can still hear the gentle droplets.

Chronicle...Day 1

I have not beeN in good shape for the past couple of days...week even.It's obviously my monthly lament.My body's too heavy to even exercise and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.Much to my dismay, I really could not do that because I have students to take care of. Because it is hormonal change i know not when my patience would fall short.I threw things and screamed if I heard too much noise and disturbance.Moreso, I was very sensitive to perfume/scents.My body could not tolerate these.I tried to do my breathing exercises but my body refused them this time.I felt the cramps all over me and my temper went overboard.I disliked the experience but i could not do anything.I needed to leave where I could be alone so I wont let people in the house suffer.My happiness hormone was very low.There's no other way but leave so i could divert my energy to something more positive.It was then that I remembered the Jesuit Retreat House.I called and booked myself for a 3-day retreat.

Early this morning, I packed my things and went.I said goodbye to my parents but i knew they didnt hear me well.I took the bus and slept there.I really was so tired.I arrived two hours after. I was given the key for room 6.I felt nostalgic at first.I was in the same place almost a decade ago.I noticed though that there were new people working in the house.Because it was a Sunday, I didnt see any nun welcoming me.It was very quiet except for the few chit chats of the kitchen staff.I brought my laptop and books with me.I did not intentionally want a rigid religious exercise.I just wanted to be here where silence could envelope me and where I could not hurt people in the house.My period's just terrible this time.

I was a bit dismayed when i discovered that i left all my chargers at home.I was a bit tensed of course because i havent fully charged my laptop.I had to call my sister to go up and bring all of them over.She arrived in the afternoon, took a nap in my room, took some photos with me of course and now she's travelling back home.

It was only when i got to the place that i learned that one of my spiritual directors , Father Jo Cabantan, is already a bishop in Bukidnon.I wished I could see him before I'll leave.

It's raining now and I'm in my room.I know not what's going to happen for the next few days that I'll be here.I still feel my body pains.I feel the discomfort but I am just glad I am going to dwell with this alone with My GOD.I dont want to cause pains towards my family.I know they would always understand but still I have the choice not to torture them.I can always avoid being bitchy.I dont mind spending and being away from them.I am just listening to what my body dictates on me.

my first lunch today

my working table

Yoga Day with my new teacher

I had done basic yoga classes before.I had few sessions at the MORO gym in the Ateneo, one at Vinyasa and at Ananda Marga.( If my memory served me right) I honestly was glad i did all those sessions because somehow I was relieved from stress in any form specially when I knew back then that my monthly period was on the verge of causing havoc to my relationship with others and with myself.Those sessions were great opportunities for me to find my center in the midst of all that enveloped me but I sensed I wasnt too ready to do the practice seriously.I guess I was not yet too embracing for an exercise that would surely make me someone that's totally free from too much complications that this world offers.so i ended up stopping the program.

It was only this year that I was drawn back to that desire. My body needed much attention and my mind needed to be at peace.I didnt know that the universe has already prepared me a spot at yoga manila.everything just fell into places.it all started from attending regular meditation classes then now enrolling in a one hour and a half yoga session every weekend.I must say that i am very ready to embrace my vulnerability as I am committing myself to all these disciplines and more to give myself that break it truly deserves.

Today, I met my yoga teacher.He's Jonathan.I didnt know much about him because he didnt formally introduce himself.All I knew was he did a great job in guiding all of us in this journey of letting go and more.We were six in the class today...all women at that.He, with his deep soothing voice prepared us by allowing us to lie relaxed on our mats.with our eyes closed,he told us to be aware of everything..from the movements of our feet, arms, everything..and the breathing of course.

everything went smoothly.there were poses of course that were too difficult to handle at first but he was always there.I was totally aware that I would not find my balance at some point.He sensed it too and went to guide me.I almost fell.I slept late for some days and it was not a good thing.He guided me for a few moments then i was back on my feet.when i perspired, I knew I was already doing things almost correctly.

It was so great breathing.It was good to stretch my muscles as far as I could.I was getting the hype of managing my breath as I was doing all those poses.I didnt mind the time.There were thoughts that came but they eventually went away without my noticing it.it was such overwhelming to know that I was able to do the lotus position peacefully.I knew my muscles were relaxed already.

he told us why we're there.he asked us to let go of all our anticipations, as well as future plans and just focus on the present.peace was felt.we ended up with a short prayer of thanks and peace with both our palms meeting at the center near our hearts.it was so peaceful big time.

we chatted with our teacher for a few minutes then off we went out.he told us to bring the fifth element of yoga outside ..to bring peace to others.WE will see him next weekend.

it was surely just the beginning of me opening my channels to the leading of the universe.i am so grateful i am given the chance to pamper myself this way.

Life all along

I am so grateful for the gift that i am getting each day.There is nothing more profound than being able to say my gratitude to the Source of everything.The gift of life that flows into me each moment is a reminder of His constant outpouring of tremendous opportunities for me to become more of what I am.

My attending the one hour meditation class every saturday is a response to that invitation of being attuned to myself deep within.It is not that easy, of course.The moment I step into that space..my ZEN..I am feeling so uncomfortable knowing I am going to confront all the thoughts that I have and then let them go.As my teacher is always telling us,it is indeed so nice to linger into each thought until we become so caught up with it that it consumes our entire system and then confusions set in. My breathing each moment is a gift and i am relearning to acknowledge it day by day.I am valuing silence more than I had valued it before.I am reopening the channels of my self and discover how wounded i am and that there are still facets within me that need to detach from things and persons that no longer serve their purpose.I am taking each day with the help of that Powerful force that carries me through my journey I am getting kinder to myself and I am becoming more honest about my feelings and thoughts.I am writing again in my own private notebook and my prayer journal has revealed a lot of beautiful aspirations that I want to tell my GOD.I am so grateful for the Grace that I am getting each day.My worries are not worries anymore but blessings in disguise.I am relearning to approach all my thoughts in a non violent and non coercive way.I am gentler in handling each strand of images that enter my sytem.All i need is to take deep breathings and then let them go. Of course, this is never easy.Each day is different and it brings varied manifestations of my being but because i am more accepting of the things that will happen moment by moment, I am more detached from all expectations that are for me crazy anxieties.(this is pretty tough). I am again grateful I am alive and experience moments of marvelous revelations about ME.This helps me in my dealing with the whole world which I am an important entity.

I am wanting to attract good energies and so I decide once again to refrain from all those negative influences.I dont want to be manipulated by so called friends but not.It is hard to be seemingly insensitive to their clamor for attention but I guess I am making my point clear.I've had enough giving of what I have that I almost lost myself in the process.I need to give back what I have lost..MY SELF!

I am wanting to attune myself to all that is good and classic.Music and books and good people.It's not that I am way judging individuals but I really have to make a choice of what and who to entertain because there is no use letting people eat me up by bombarding me with their classic stories of depression, anxieties and the like.Each has a choice to change.I cant make that choice for them.For the longest time, I have been a pillar to them but hey, there is always that limit to our being shock absorbers.A real friend does not consume but energizes. I want to be a real friend to myself again and not to sound like a pathetic consoler who ends up sobbing and hurting after hearing someone's pathetic vicious life cycle.They also need to grow up.

Because I made this decision, I am going to become better as ME and I want to be more human to all those that I am with.I bet this isnt easy but come to think of it...life is one heck of a journey each day and that is why I am backpacking every single moment until i reach that peak of total BLISS!

Grateful...

I was bent to watch RED today only to find out that I could not get the 1 pm slot.I could not make it at another time since i had an online class to catch.I was contemplating as to what to do.My heart wanted really to watch something.For some reasons, I really need to see something that would divert me from whatever it is that I am into...only to be led to the truth ..that is to face what I am actually into..I bought the 1 pm ticket for EAT, PRAY and LOVE and it had made a difference.

The movie featured the woman's journey in finding what matters most in life...that is her relationship with God and herself and her meeting with equally significant people who helped her in so many ways to get into the heart of her search and be a more loving, peaceful, spirit-filled woman...

It spoke of letting go, letting be, surrendering, disciplining one's thoughts, urges, wants, speech etc.It depicted the idea of loving oneself first before loving others.It showed the wonderful varied cultures of three equally beautiful places namely Italy. India and Bali.The memoir inspired people to never stop loving and forgiving oneself despite the countless times of failing in any form of relationships.It had successfully brought into people's attention the immense power of meditation, of being serene, of going beyond and going within oneself.It spoke of balance in the midst of chaos.It captured taking risks without losing that balance.It inspired one to love unstoppably and still never forgetting her self worth.It's smply not just a movie..It was LIFE changng in itself.In Fact, It was therapy.

God has simply brought me to watch that film..It has been weeks now that I wasnt well .After resigning from my teaching job, I felt so desperate.It was like leaving someone I loved so much behind.MY heart has been so heavy.I still asked myself whether or not making that decision was the right thing to do.I seemed to hate myself for giving up on something that I really knew was the one that made me more alive.I thought I was selfish...and I am still thinking like that at this moment.

Three semesters ago, I prayed that God would allow me to teach again in the classroom.He answered it right away.I was very happy.The school didnt really pay that much but it didnt matter to me.I was thankful I had my online venture.I was teaching like It was just my hobby.I was really peaceful.Beng with every soul allowed me to be more selfless..to be more patient, to be more understanding..TO BE MORE HUMAN.

I thought it would be like that all throughout but NO.I still have things to consider too.Apart from teaching, I have other responsibilities.I have to deal with other things that was taking all my time.I was so overwhelmed with everything in school.I had lesser time for myself.I was immersed with so much workload that I ended up getting less rest and sleep.I became weak and I was only wanting to rest BIG TIME.A few people were pains in the neck too which added more to my stress.I wouldnt want my students to be compromised.I loved them so much that I want to give them still the best but I was afraid I may not be able to in time.My body was telling me to REST and I had no choice but to hear it out.

I have been bedresting most of the time then.I was always crying knowing I left my heart to teaching.I know I will be back in time.I am just too harsh on myself.I need to forgive myself for feeling this way.I need to let go of anything that would hinder me from healing.I am a teacher and I will always die one as I have always said.I just need to let things be.There is a reason to pause.I could not go on knowing something within me is not right.I need to go back to my center.I need to discipline my thougths.It takes time but I have to do this.I dont want to end up being miserable.I believe it entails pain to love and sometimes losing oneself is even more painful.I have given up so much for the vocation I am called to do.I am glad I did that.

Right now, I am healing and I will be healed again soon.The world is a place which challenges us to be who we are.It is a place that would either give us a break or would break us.I took the risk of giving up for a while..I cant go on knowing my energy is slowly consumed.

The movie reminded me to slow down again and to take pleasure in the simplest and the littlest things in life that make me happy.I almost forgot about them,My music, my book, my writing, my few good friends, people i meet each day, my family, MYSELF and MY GOD.

It was a great gift...today was a great day.A miracle happened actually.I am transformed again. I can see more clearly now.I know tomorrow I will be less cruel to myself.I will blame myself less for whatever decisions I made. Silence helps.Tears actually wash away my guilt.I cant Thank God enough but I will forever be grateful to HIM for not giving up on me despite and inspite of.

photos taken at jamericanmuslimah.files.wordpress.com/2008/11

FREEDOM!

Choices are part and parcel of what we call life.by the time we reach the age of reason, we are supposed to be equipped with the capacity to think of what is good for us or not.We are supposed to know what's right from wrong.We are supposed to be free and do the things that we deem right.We are supposed to know that we have choices and not let the society dictate on us or even vice versa.

I have lived all my life knowing that I am a free spirit.I've tried conforming to what the society dictates on me but i am never happy.I appreciate structures simply because they bring order..at least.Yet knowing that structures are human made, I still dont adhere to them wholly.It's not that I hate them.It's just that I am not comfortable with them,I want to go fas far as i could and for as long as i can.I want to do things rightly according to what my heart and my mind tell me.this includes choosing who i will be with.

It is just funny because I am always bombarded with people who seem to be so dependent on what we call friendship.I am not.I believe so much in parting and space.I believe so much in letting go. I dont anymore hold on that much.I used to be that clingy but I have already outgrown that.I am happier setting people free knowing that they will always come back if we are meant to be.It's not anymore my style to run after useless relationships.I withdraw from people who dont give me positive vibes.I know one when i see one.I dont judge easily.I just know when someone is not real.I dont hesitate.I leave.

Someone confronted me recently.I hate telling her all that she had to know but i had to.She was asking me if we had a problem.I told her i didnt know.I just didnt like to be with her.I told her i was not comfortable with her presence.I disliked the way she dealt with people.I told her honestly I just simply chose not to talk to her anymore.I sensed that she's not sincere.I asked her not to call me friend because i had goosebumps.It was easier for me to tell her because i knew I had given her the chance to enter my life but all i learned from her were things that would hurt other people.I didnt want anymore to waste time dealing with someone who often changed moods...someone who would stare at you as if she's the only advantaged specie on earth.I was not anymore happy of her giving negative feedbacks about other people.I hated the sight of her with all her so called friends talking about other people's lives.I decided to deal with her as someone i didnt really know.She was perhaps disturbed about my behavior and confronted me in front of other people.SO she got what she deserved.I told her that It was my choice whom to be friends with.She got mad and called me names.Still, I pitied her.She wanted so much attention and she wanted to be popular.I told her that she just cant simply please everyone.It's the worst sickness.

I was amused with the incident.I actually felt so weak when she left.She was giving out negative energies that I almost wanted to faint.I was thankful I had my inner peace to hold on to.

I am looking back at it now with no regrets.I was glad i had told her what i wanted to tell her.I knew what i wanted to say.She didnt.She was barking big time only to be poisoned by her own venom.I dont fret at her sight.She has the attitude of belittling people but i wont let her.She really doesnt know how I loathe people like that.

I choose friends who could inspire me...people who could journey with me in my quest for truth, justice and freedom.I want that person to know she could never be trusted by me.I just hope she didnt confront me so she would not know the truth.still...she really needed to know how i felt about her.That's actually FREEDOM!

Quoted....From The Tao of Pooh

No matter how Useful we may be, sometimes it takes us a while to recognize our own value. This can be illustrated by the Chinese story of The Stonecutter:

There was once a stonecutter, who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life.

One day, he passed a wealthy merchant's house, and through the open gateway, saw many fine possessions and important visitors. "How powerful that merchant must be!" thought the stonecutter. He became very envious, and wished that he could be like the merchant. Then he would no longer have to live the life of a mere stonecutter.

To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever dreamed of, envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. But soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants, and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. "How powerful that official is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a high official!"

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around, who had to bow down before him as he passed. It was a hot summer day, and the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. "How powerful the sun is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the sun!"

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. "How powerful that storm cloud is!" he though. "I wish that I could be a cloud!"

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that is was the wind. "How powerful it is!" he though. "I wish that I could be the wind!"

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, hated and feared by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it--a huge, towering stone. "How powerful that stone is!" he thought. I wish that I could be a stone!"

Then he became the stone, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the solid rock, and felt himself being changed. "What could be more powerful than I, the stone?" he thought. He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stonecutter.

-From Benjamin Hoff's, The Tao of Pooh.

For thinkers like ME....please read!

Inner Freedom is Real Freedom

By Remez Sasson

Freedom from the compulsion of constant and endless thinking is real freedom. Your mind thinks from the moment you wake up in the morning until you fall asleep at night. It gives you no moment of rest. It creates thoughts and also receives thoughts from the world around you. This habit is so strong and deeply embedded that nobody even thinks of overcoming it.

In this state you are not free. You may live in a free country and you may have financial independence, yet the mind keeps chaining you to a contant flow of thoughts and mental images, many of which are useless and futile.

The mind is a creator and receiver of thoughts, and it also constantly produces mental movies. We act like spectators with eyes fixed on a screen, watching pictures moving on the screen of the mind. These moving pictures are so real that we never question their validity or whether we need them. Our life, habits, actions and reactions are all strongly affected by what goes inside our mind. It is only by silencing the hectic of the mind that we are able to enjoy true peace and true freedom.

If you were able to watch the activity going on in the minds of people, you would have seen a very interesting spectacle. You would have seen that each and every person is living in a kind of imaginary mental world created by his/her thoughts. You would have seen thoughts created by different minds floating through space and being picked up by other people, who think these are their own thoughts. All these thoughts are constantly programming the mind of the person thinking them, and causing the affected person to behave, act and talk in accordance with them. So where is freedom?

You may live in a free country, yet in your inner life you may not be free. You enjoy real freedom when you are able to accept or reject thoughts in accordance with your will, and being able to impose silence on your mind, when there is nothing to think about. This is of course mastery of the mind.

Only when you are free from the compulsion of constant thinking you become free. You switch off the engine of your car when you arrive to your destination, because there is no necessity for it to keep on running. Why not do the same with your mind? Why let the mind keep thinking uselss, futile or negative thoughts, at times when you don't need to plan, solve problems, study or work? When there is nothing special that you need to think about, why not enjoy inner silence - inner freedom?

Imagine your mind being calm, like a calm lake with no waves or ripples, free from the compulsion of involuntary thinking. In this state of calmness and quietude you become conscious of your inner self, which is usually hidden by the constant flow of thoughts and mental images. In this state you are aware of your inner being - spiritual self, and happiness and bliss emerge from within you.

How can one gain inner freedom? Through concentration and meditation, being calm, and developing detachment and the ability to filter and sift thoughts, without getting involved and swept by them.
Make your mind quiet and you will enjoy real freedom.

Think of Me

Watching this flick once again reminds me of my life four years ago.It was when I had no idea at first that I was already driven out of a relationship that's not doing any better.Fate had its own way of bringing me to that someone who came right at the time when I was almost going to cry again.He was just there subtly telling me that his presence was enough reason for me live life the way I had to. Watching this film with him was a revelation of the magic of loving someone who seemed to be very insignificant all throughout my life.It was saving grace for me to have accepted his personhood...his friendship and then his love.

As the movie progressed, I was more drawn to him.We both had silenced our mouths and simply let our hearts did the talking.The Phantom of the Opera was one movie that would remind me of a time that I loved and had never lost it yet i had to let go.

I am thinking of him today more than ever and wish he's doing alright.I am more than grateful for the chance to have him..and to have thought of him.

Bryan Adams - Straight From The Heart

Bryan Adams - Summer Of 69 Live