I was bent to watch RED today only to find out that I could not get the 1 pm slot.I could not make it at another time since i had an online class to catch.I was contemplating as to what to do.My heart wanted really to watch something.For some reasons, I really need to see something that would divert me from whatever it is that I am into...only to be led to the truth ..that is to face what I am actually into..I bought the 1 pm ticket for EAT, PRAY and LOVE and it had made a difference.
The movie featured the woman's journey in finding what matters most in life...that is her relationship with God and herself and her meeting with equally significant people who helped her in so many ways to get into the heart of her search and be a more loving, peaceful, spirit-filled woman...
It spoke of letting go, letting be, surrendering, disciplining one's thoughts, urges, wants, speech etc.It depicted the idea of loving oneself first before loving others.It showed the wonderful varied cultures of three equally beautiful places namely Italy. India and Bali.The memoir inspired people to never stop loving and forgiving oneself despite the countless times of failing in any form of relationships.It had successfully brought into people's attention the immense power of meditation, of being serene, of going beyond and going within oneself.It spoke of balance in the midst of chaos.It captured taking risks without losing that balance.It inspired one to love unstoppably and still never forgetting her self worth.It's smply not just a movie..It was LIFE changng in itself.In Fact, It was therapy.
God has simply brought me to watch that film..It has been weeks now that I wasnt well .After resigning from my teaching job, I felt so desperate.It was like leaving someone I loved so much behind.MY heart has been so heavy.I still asked myself whether or not making that decision was the right thing to do.I seemed to hate myself for giving up on something that I really knew was the one that made me more alive.I thought I was selfish...and I am still thinking like that at this moment.
Three semesters ago, I prayed that God would allow me to teach again in the classroom.He answered it right away.I was very happy.The school didnt really pay that much but it didnt matter to me.I was thankful I had my online venture.I was teaching like It was just my hobby.I was really peaceful.Beng with every soul allowed me to be more selfless..to be more patient, to be more understanding..TO BE MORE HUMAN.
I thought it would be like that all throughout but NO.I still have things to consider too.Apart from teaching, I have other responsibilities.I have to deal with other things that was taking all my time.I was so overwhelmed with everything in school.I had lesser time for myself.I was immersed with so much workload that I ended up getting less rest and sleep.I became weak and I was only wanting to rest BIG TIME.A few people were pains in the neck too which added more to my stress.I wouldnt want my students to be compromised.I loved them so much that I want to give them still the best but I was afraid I may not be able to in time.My body was telling me to REST and I had no choice but to hear it out.
I have been bedresting most of the time then.I was always crying knowing I left my heart to teaching.I know I will be back in time.I am just too harsh on myself.I need to forgive myself for feeling this way.I need to let go of anything that would hinder me from healing.I am a teacher and I will always die one as I have always said.I just need to let things be.There is a reason to pause.I could not go on knowing something within me is not right.I need to go back to my center.I need to discipline my thougths.It takes time but I have to do this.I dont want to end up being miserable.I believe it entails pain to love and sometimes losing oneself is even more painful.I have given up so much for the vocation I am called to do.I am glad I did that.
Right now, I am healing and I will be healed again soon.The world is a place which challenges us to be who we are.It is a place that would either give us a break or would break us.I took the risk of giving up for a while..I cant go on knowing my energy is slowly consumed.
The movie reminded me to slow down again and to take pleasure in the simplest and the littlest things in life that make me happy.I almost forgot about them,My music, my book, my writing, my few good friends, people i meet each day, my family, MYSELF and MY GOD.
It was a great gift...today was a great day.A miracle happened actually.I am transformed again. I can see more clearly now.I know tomorrow I will be less cruel to myself.I will blame myself less for whatever decisions I made. Silence helps.Tears actually wash away my guilt.I cant Thank God enough but I will forever be grateful to HIM for not giving up on me despite and inspite of.
photos taken at jamericanmuslimah.files.wordpress.com/
