Getting there

I am wishing that by 2013 I'll have stronger arms and legs. Literally! I pray the Universe will bless me legs that can hold me steadily as I come up from my backbends. I also pray for stronger arms so i would be able to hold them still and straight while doing laghu and similar stuffs.

anyway, I guess I am getting there.In time, with more practice , I'm sure i will get there.

This is me earlier this afternoon trying my laghu.Thanks to my nephew who took this photos.

 

NAMASTE!l

Sweet Long dream

I have been praying for a spiritual partner.That someone who can make my heart beat again like crazy.Someone beyond expression,.Someone I can be intimate with.Someone I am going to be totally free.

Like any other longing, the dreams that I have are manifestations of these.
I dream normally, yes.Like it is always an extension of me.
Earlier this morning while still in deep slumber I dreamt of someone I look up to. Man, that was  not the first time. The dream was so hugely real that I ended up waking up so peaceful and happy.

It was all about him..my spiritual teacher .(I am not so brave to mention his name.) It was all about us hugging for the longest time. It was all about us longing to be together.It was all about Him hugging me and never uttering anything.Just hugging.So close.It was all about me hugging him.Closing my eyes and sleeping while embracing him tightly. No words. Nothing.Just hugging longingly. There was no need for words. We both knew how deep we cared and loved each other.

Then it culminated with him looking at me.Shaking.Hard on. Crying.Embarrased. Telling me he's scared we wont be friends again.I was hugging him crying too.I told him if he only knew how i felt too.

Dear God..we're crying and hugging.

I woke up praying.Thanking the Universe for another intimate dream. It was not the first time.Not the second either but the -nth time.

What could that mean?
I sent him a christmas greeting today.He greeted me back. I felt a bit scared. I really dont know.

There are questions in my head but I know there are no answers yet. I care deeply about him.He is a great mentor and friend. I know not why like this.Dreams of him like that.

May the universe lead me..

Om.

Christmas with my kariton family:)

Even when there is a strain that connects me with my real family, it would not make me become less sensitive to those people who deserve to be treated with dignity.
I decided not to join our department's christmas part to give way for a day with the people on the streets. I was a bit tired the day before this encounter but it was all part of the plan of the universe that I should be there the next day up and about.

I didnt know what to expect as we journeyed towards Aurora boulevard. There we were welcomed by friendly faces who lived in their pushcarats (kariton). With my  comrades, Milet, Sister and Gil, we spent the whole day with our foster family, Erickson and his wife jaryl with their 3 month old baby girl.

It was a huge relief knowing the sun was very cooperative. We did our part as members of the family that day. We took turns taking care of the baby, bathing and putting her to sleep.

I guess the photos below would tell you how real joy permeated during that simple meeting. I am glad I made such a choice. Despite all that's happened with me, I am very complete knowing I have met people whom I considered my family.

The simple cart on the street has welcomed me as an authentic person. I felt so loved and accepted. I am not judged. I love being with them and I pray they will be blessed more.

Here let's look back at what happened that day.

that's the father erickson, man with dignity.Im with baby girl too.

authentic smiles overflowed

Gil and Ericksoon bonding time

every single trash is important for them

their abode:(

I pray you will have a better place to stay dear:)

but the laughters said it all. We built a family together.

just look at the big laughs

rare moments.i can die for this.

here..I am filled with love.

my new family

lunchtime:)

i am loving this and all.

goodmorning baby:)

the three of us with baby

smile

Merry Christmas everyone.

Brother, no more

You know the feeling when you're being harassed, demeaned, offended, insulted, accused and what have you? It isn't cool, right.It is even worst when the person who did it to you is supposed to be your family..a brother at that.

So far, all the respect left for him vanished. I know he was provoked but that doesnt give him the license to treat me like I am the lowest creature on earth. Sorry but I have started loathing that we are after all of the same bloodline. I guess if there is really a GOD (I have actually started doubting again) then he/she/it would know how I was treated yesterday.

It's Christmas season, yes..but, I have to make it clear...my family has not been really those that  I am happy to be with.

I am just glad I have good people around.

I am still angry and I am scared even being attached to my surname. I am hating being with my family. This is wrong, yes.. but right now, i am hurt and I wont even give that asshole a chance to do that thing again to me.

Calling me names..he's the worst man ever.

May the Universe forgive me and bring me good energy. Om.

Ahhh the Moon

it has been days since its full bloom but the moon still rules the night sky at this juncture. If she could just read my thoughts right now,i really wish I would be freed from this emotional lethargy.I dont exactly understand but since she's stronger these days, I guess I just really have to find my center.I wish I could despite my cloudy mind. Anyway, see her from outside my window.
  

First of December thoughts

Yes it's December First and I am beginning to dread going home.It's not because I dont want to but I am scared I would still experience similar, if not, the same scenario way back. Just earlier today, we're again tested financially and it frustrates me a lot until now. I know there are always things that I cant control but my humanity sets in and that makes everything seemed hopeless.

The question as to whether or not there is  an end to the kind of thing I am feeling about my family is doubly haunting. For the love of peace I really wish each member knows what he/she has to do. I am already losing patience and hope. May God help me.

Despite this disturbance, I am so looking forward to life. My practice has been growing.Being in the second series, I am already doing laghu vajrasana. Admittingly, it was very difficult at first.I found it hard to straighten my arms as I bring my head to the floor.Ahhh, this is similar to my life. I bend everytime I have down moments. It is a joy to come up after that,of course.

There is that great friendship among my fellow yogins. I am still loving our lunches and good conversation.

Work is cool..not to mention tough when the director sets in for meetings. I'm learning to breathe more though. There is , however, a thought as to whether or not I'll continue here. I still want to do things on my own and be free just like before. Inshallah.

I am also wanting to find my spiritual partner. I wish I could meet him despite the tremendous strings of uncertainties.

Have a lovely weekend everyone.

Random thoughts 11/18/12

It has been two weeks since the new semester began and I have been hyped up with the travel to and fro to accomplish my work . There is so much to thank God for. There are the new sets of students, not to mention those few  familiar faces around. It is also a new program. MORAL THEOLOGY at that. It was fun and challenging at the same time to introduce to my flock major issues that would be tackled the entire semester. I am loving every minute being with these souls. I am in fact  more than excited to hear more heartfelt stories to tell. (I actually had several already and my heart has been moved so much).

Food

It has been a habit of us yogins to have lunch together after our Saturday intense practice. That feeling of fullness is always looked forward to. I love it when we order food to share.It is not heavy on our pockets but we are blessed with a healthy appetite. Coupled with great conversation, any simple dish is made special.I just love Saturday lunches.

Here are a few of the standouts.

Sumpia, all veggies inside

 Binagoongang rice

fried mushroom

How about these?

I really don't have any idea how i look like while practicing. It's not that I am self-conscious but I am pretty curious as to how i execute the different poses. Many said that I am very flexible and yes, i think I am but as to how I actually look like is possibly exciting to see by myself.

So, my friends took time to capture these:

utplutih

urdhva padmasana

Namaste!

How about my own version of "Guinataan"

I am not a good cook in the real sense of the word but I can be applauded when I will whip a dish with love.

MY guinataan

My friend Michelle and I were craving for this native delicacy guinataan since Saturday. I volunteered to make it and she's in charge of buying the ingredients.


Here are the simple things needed.

finely cubed sweet potatoes (camote)
thinly sliced ripe  bananas ( saba)
2 cups of coconut milk
brown sugar
roasted mongo
dough balls (bilo bilo)
tapioca pearl (sago)
half cup of rice

To make my own version, I simply mixed the rice and sweet potatoes (camote) with 5 cups of water and let them boil. When it started  to boil, I constantly stirred  to mix everything.Then after 3 minutes or so, I added the dough balls, roasted mongo and stirred again. After about another 3 minutes, I added the cocounut milk and I kept it to boil. I stirred again to  mix everything and to make it sticky. The bananas were added then the brown sugar. Continuous stirring was done until such a time that everything's cooked.

Everyone had a great snack after. ..It was my first attempt to make it and Michelle loved the outcome.

I was very happy to feed them.

Celebrating Friendships

It's another moonday today and I am not very happy, yes. It's not because there are reasons why I have to be sad but really I am just pulled away from that state.See, even my writing here is very confusing.Thanks Moon.

Anyway, this phase will soon leave and I would be my happy self again.Despite the oh-so-low-mood- bruhahas-I am actually blessed with great celebrations of friendships this week.

Amy, whom I havent seen in a while, will soon be leaving to the US.I am a bit happy and jealous for her.It's normal though. We had a sumptuous seafood dinner on a Friday and that has made me so full. What a treat. I just had to experience a slight difficulty in my mariachi's the next day. It's alright though. I had so much fun   and I guess that dinner would be the last, at least this year. Ahh,I will miss her.

checking out on mir piano man:)

I will miss you ams:(

                               

Yes, our food.

                              
After my yoga practice on a Saturday, my dear friend Michelle and I visited a Buddhist temple in Manila Despite  the heat and the  traffic, we were able to find solace at such a lovely place. We were just there seated  and sharing life. It was such a breath of fresh air.It was an authentic encounter with ourselves. The Buddhas.

PEACE!

The Monks

With Michelle

Someone is leaving and it is going to be sad but sadness is  temporary.Just like happiness.I am just glad I have shared moments with these people.I am very grateful.

Break it is!

I am officially on a break from teaching now. It was supposed to have started last week but I was worked up with the syllabus making thing.It was fun though.What with the theological wrangling stuff and all.It was my first so it was kind of oh-so -new- thing for me .

It was also a great time bonding with colleagues outside the school premises. I could not also believe I survive the train rides for three days without much hassle. So big congratulations for me then.

Since I am awaiting my monthly ordeal, there is this natural body tiredness that's haunting me. I wanted to fight the hormonal imbalance cycle so I went to practice early on a Monday. It was heavy though. My breaths were not deep and my muscles were tired. I did the primary series and decided to finish with my teacher's approval. I was just not on my element. Oh wait, it was my body actually. Massage helped though afterwards.

There were bits and bits of situations that irritated me.Expected!

Anyway, i would like to share some beautiful pictures I took while I was on my three day syllabus making at the Saint Vincent School of Theology.

i love the sun . what with the duck and the green green grasses.

oh lotus!

May all beings be peaceful.

May all beings be free.

 May all beings be safe.

Grateful for the gift of life.

Tears

 

Then the tears filled the room last night.It was another vulnerable moment.When all I had was my weakness.I had nothing except that. It was a sweet surrender to the one who is capable of making things possible.Ahhh, it was all I needed to be alive.Tears.Surrender.Pains.Healing.

Gratitude..

 

Heavy practice

                          

As I officially start my semestral break today, I made a decision to intensify my practice. I aim to really stand on my own from my backbends.I also want to stay attune to what I am thinking and of course be conscious that there are other things that matter except fretting over low finances and that vicious cycle that haunts my family. Duh!
Lo and behold I had the Shala all by myself this morning but it wasn't exactly the practice that I have been aspiring. I guess I defied the yogic philosophy of just be and never expect. My bad!
My body wasn't very responsive at all. I felt so exhausted even by the mere thought of doing the initial asanas. I wanted to cheat and just hoped to quit but I persisted. My mind was also busy on its own. Thoughts here and there. I just wanted to stop.

After almost 2 hours though I finished the practice. With my breathing heavy and my body tired, I just tried to remember that some days are really stoned.

I learned again to stop doing and just let things flow. Expectations kill the spirit and yes today i just died.

Yoga is my natural state and because it is I am sure I will be fine.

Namaste!

YOGA (What I am reading online these days)

 I am going back to where it all started.I want to deepen my yoga practice and I am bent to start reading everything there is available. Grateful for the materials on the web.

Come read with me.

Namaste!

"Yoga is a superhuman principle working for a superhuman purpose, through a superhuman medium. We cease to be ordinary persons before this masterly science. When we enter the field of this knowledge of the ultimate science of the mystery of life, we do not enter it as a man or a woman; we do not enter it as a human being at all. We enter it as a principle. We know that there is a great difference between a person and a principle. We are always fond of persons and not principles because we cannot see principles; we see only persons and things. But persons and things do not exist, to tell the truth. It is principles that exist. It is a law that exists. It is an order of things which ultimately is the constituting factor of even things. We are told even today that things do not exist, but only forces exist."

Click here...
 
http://www.swami-krishnananda.org/patanjali/raja_02.html

Random thoughts 9/15

Fifteen days of not writing any entry here seems like eternity for me. There's this lingering block that disabled me to scribble even a single word. A lot has happened since then...it was, in fact a grand roller coaster ride in the real sense of the word.

There was the argument with the director...but issues were settled I believe so. I realize these things.

EGO is a great enemy.Just back off then.Things pass.Just do what needs to be done.To be on top seems lonely.Understand more but never allow anyone to rain on your parade.

CONGRATS dear self for you had at least said your piece.

Family matters still affect me but I learned to keep quiet more specially when there are moments that challenge me to be confrontational. It pays.Nature knows what it is all about.

Im worried about dad and mom.They're  aging but  I am still hoping and praying they'll live good and happy lives and not experience any turmoil, specially from us , children.I guess they worry about us all. It's not  nice.

Yoga practice is getting better. I am loving every moment I have. Life is yoga and yoga is life for me. My journey is still ongoing.

I am getting better.I am a child of the UNIVERSE and I know I am loved.

Life again

 
Two full moons in one month is crazy for me. I bet I have been constantly feeling lethargic and sick. It's almost always like I cant help but sleep a bit while on my travel to and fro work. It is not just that. I am very sensitive to noise. What is worse is I am always on the  verge of crying when confronted with even the slightest hint of nostalgia. Every poor individual I encounter is very significant to me and I feel like  hugging  them and tell them they will be alright soon.

I have a huge flow of differing emotions and most of the time I am carried away.
Shall I attribute it to this lunar occurence?

Why, for the love of yoga, do I feel this over and over again?

I dont understand life's doze of odds to me.There are so many  times that I lament and is on the verge of giving up yet there is also this interesting voice within me that says...C'mon, this is all just part of the magnanimity of life.You will soon be fine again.

And I rest my case and dwell with this melodious rhythm. Om for life.Om for bliss.Om for good health.

Om

This self is contemplating of quitting work. There is no drive.There is heaviness in her heart. She is not happy to work with her director.She is wanting out.

Om for wisdom. Om for enlightenment.Om for humility.Om for forgiveness.

Thoughts!

Life is cheap.Death is inevitable. Anytime,anywhere, any way. We are not promised any certainty.I am immersed with these. Old age is not even the only reason for us to leave this abode. Sickness, accident, crime.In all its form, death is not an option.It is the end.The ultimate reality of our humanity.The conclusion.

We need to be prepared then Scary but yes, this is what mortality is all about.

Let's do well then with our lives.

Namaste!

Another flood story

The rain continued to pour and as early as 3:30 in the morning, I read a message from colleagues that classes were suspended. I was glad at first of course then I started doing chores after spending few minutes on the mat. My sense of peace was not permanent though because at around 9 am, together with my neighbors, i had to evacuate to the third floor of my landlady's apartment building. The water was above knee level already. I brought nothing except my laptop, my phones, and money. I had no food because i hadn't done any grocery shopping yet.

We were situated comfortably and the seven adults and a 3 year old boy spent the night in the living room. It was also the first time I cooked for several people, new friends at that.

I love how we comforted each other in the most natural way. There's  always humor all around.
The rain still poured in the evening. Then morning came.We're monitoring.The place was still flooded.Water
rose higher.

A few hours after breakfast, the sun came out but not for long. At this juncture, it's raining again.
It's almost our second night here. Our food is not that much but we have each other and we are safe. I guess it's a great blessing.

I have read overwhelming messages of concern and comfort. I am grateful. I kept calling home and updated them with what's happening. I am thinking of my brother.I hope he's alright.

There are people attributing all these to the RH Bill blah blah.There are also those connecting this to the genesis story. ahhh, ENOUGH!

I refuse to comment. It wont help me find my center at this time.I am certain the universe has its reasons why all these happen and I know I am part of the blame.

Anyway, I am still here with the others. I am trying to get by. This too shall pass and there will be another rainbow soon.

I have my peace intact. There is a GOD who is better and bigger than this bad weather.

Namaste!

FLOOD EVERYWHERE!

The rain is unstoppable. It has been several days and the wrath is still on. Classes in all levels are now suspended. It's seven thirty in the morning already but it looks like the sun has been hiding from us since time immemorial.

  I was glad just staying home and rest but the gladness was momentary. It is not cool being comfortable in my abode knowing there are a lot right now who are in the evacuation centers. The children, the old and those who are sick. There was that great storm two or three years ago. I dont know if similar fate will hit all of us again. I am only sure that this is not any milder nor cooler than the previous.


I am praying that my body will  make it to the mat .I pray that the Universe will be kinder and will spare everyone from harm. My country has been through a lot.

The rain is now getting stronger. Outside is already flooded.


 Om for safety of everybody.

Yoga thoughts

Nothing sensible is coming out of this humble mind. I have so much to share but there seems to be a shortage of words. Humanity is creeping in my entire system. Bad back and all, this woman is exactly the epitome of vulnerability. Just like the gloomy weather, my mood is a bit off at times. Still, in the midst of the irregular flow of normalcy, I am blessed to be given the opportunity to still meet good people who help me realize that I am no different from them. These women at the shala are reminders that I am loved and I am a beautiful creation.

I am very happy to see my teacher Jon again. At least, for three Saturdays, he was able to journey with me in my practice. I am so thankful for his usual gentleness in his attending to my poses. My heart is glad knowing he has seen so much growth in my practice. I was my emotional self  hearing it from him. It has inspired me to keep on practicing and constantly embrace my being me. A yogin.

I am a bit sad today, however. I wanted so much to hug him  and to personally bid him goodbye but he was still very busy attending to many students so I decided to leave. Though I wrote him a message, I am still thinking of seeing him for the last time before he leaves. Anyway, he told me he wished to see me again. Of  course we will certainly meet someday soon.

I dont know how to frequent my practice with my work schedule. I guess it will be up to the universe to give me the time and space. May the Universe conspire with me again.I want to practice more days. I need to. I have to.