Monday, December 20, 2010

Day 3

After having breakfast, I went out and took a ride to the mountains to visit the transfiguration monastery.Of course, i knew that I had to walk some distance before I could reach the place.The road was muddy for it was raining last night.There were only few people I met on my way.Each of them seemed to be very busy with some mundane tasks.The laidback life was such a cause of envy at some point.It was no joke arriving to my destination.I had to take some shortcuts because it was indeed very far.I made my own trail along the grassy and muddy field.I was a bit scared knowing that there were certainly snakes there.I had to even run so I could reach a clearer space.My pants were decorated with all those thorns.My shoes were covered with mud.I was greeted by a young boy telling me that I was alomost there.After like thirty minutes, I reached the top and the guard could tell that I was alone and I was taking the short cut since I looked awful.Anyway, I had to take off my shoes since they're all so muddy.I met an old man and his daughter cleaning the place.After sitting in silence, i talked to him while he offered to take some photos of me.He hesitated to have their photos taken with me.I understood.I felt so tired after all the treading.There was no way for me though to take a ride back so I had to walk again.It was just good Kuya told me to take another route that's not very dangerous and would only take me one and a half kilometers.While walking, I had to pretend that I wasnt afraid of snakes or any other animals around.Kuya assured me actually that there were a lot of snakes in the area.I wanted to run fast again but I decided to take my cool.Listening to my ipod and saying few prayers helped.I thankfully got to the highway safely .I just looked so awful with my hair in total disarray and my pants and shoes all painted with mud.I took a ride back to the retreat house after visiting the city's Cathedral.I was really so hungry and thirsty that I ended up devouring whatever was there on the table for me.

While resting in bed, I said a prayer of thanksgiving.The sight of me jumping and leaping on my way to the top was one of my defining moments.The freedom that I experienced that time was beyond description.Christmas is giving myself what It truly deserves.It's totally pampering myself to the joys of life that money cant really buy.It's not only my family nor friends that can make me whole.Simply being attuned to nature in its simples form is what I was desiring...and I got it.

My being here for 3 days is not only about rest.It's not only about prayer too.It's simply going back to where I came from.Myself.It's not easy though.I needed to experience my body pains to be brought here but it was worth it.

I'm not yet physically fine.I am still emotional and tired but my heart leaps for joy.I will be going back to CDO tomorrow.I would bring with me the 3 days that I spent with myself and my GOD wherever.

I was just walking and saw him like this.I asked him if i coudd take photos of him and he nodded

the entrance to the long walk again...

the side

leaning on that big stone at the heart of the chapel

i would really be the other side..awesome!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Day 2

I slept well last night .Heavy flow of energy is felt until now.The weather is cold in here for it's raining.Breakfast and lunch were healthy.I had my morning walk outside the retreat house while taking some photos of the freshly watered flowers.I also spent some moments at the donwstairs chapel.I just sat there in silence.I could hear my heart beating irregularly and my mind's clogged.I've tried breathing exercises though.My body just needed rest still.I went inside my room afterwards, stayed in bed and listened to my ipod while reading anotherJostein Gaarder novel.By the way, I just finished The Ringmaster's Daughter yesterday.

Like what I had mentioned, I am not here for a rigid spiritual journey but the whole place brings me slowly into healing.There is so much of nature that abound in here that my vulnerability at the moment is strengthened.The rain continues to pour gently to the ground and the trees and grasses are becoming greener.

I went out after lunch to buy some items at a nearby mall.I could see all kinds of people around.I watched the driver of the tricycle and I thought how hardworking he was.I was asking myself if he had a good lunch or if he earned well.I saw people on the streets.Each paced to his destination.I was thinking about why I'm here.I purposely seek refuge because of my weakness and there are those that are out there in the rain tyring to make both ends meet perhaps.I felt a sense of sadness maybe because I wanted to journey with them in the discomforts that they may be having.Perhaps my frailty at the moment is not in comparison with the old man and woman peddling or the workers who had to find shelter in front of the retreat house but I am still in pain.I have to dwell with this.This is how life works in me.It's enough that I'm here and listening to my body.I only have one day left before I'll get to go back home.By that time, I am praying my energy would be replenished.

I am waiting for my students.I can still hear the gentle droplets.

Chronicle...Day 1

I have not beeN in good shape for the past couple of days...week even.It's obviously my monthly lament.My body's too heavy to even exercise and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.Much to my dismay, I really could not do that because I have students to take care of. Because it is hormonal change i know not when my patience would fall short.I threw things and screamed if I heard too much noise and disturbance.Moreso, I was very sensitive to perfume/scents.My body could not tolerate these.I tried to do my breathing exercises but my body refused them this time.I felt the cramps all over me and my temper went overboard.I disliked the experience but i could not do anything.I needed to leave where I could be alone so I wont let people in the house suffer.My happiness hormone was very low.There's no other way but leave so i could divert my energy to something more positive.It was then that I remembered the Jesuit Retreat House.I called and booked myself for a 3-day retreat.

Early this morning, I packed my things and went.I said goodbye to my parents but i knew they didnt hear me well.I took the bus and slept there.I really was so tired.I arrived two hours after. I was given the key for room 6.I felt nostalgic at first.I was in the same place almost a decade ago.I noticed though that there were new people working in the house.Because it was a Sunday, I didnt see any nun welcoming me.It was very quiet except for the few chit chats of the kitchen staff.I brought my laptop and books with me.I did not intentionally want a rigid religious exercise.I just wanted to be here where silence could envelope me and where I could not hurt people in the house.My period's just terrible this time.

I was a bit dismayed when i discovered that i left all my chargers at home.I was a bit tensed of course because i havent fully charged my laptop.I had to call my sister to go up and bring all of them over.She arrived in the afternoon, took a nap in my room, took some photos with me of course and now she's travelling back home.

It was only when i got to the place that i learned that one of my spiritual directors , Father Jo Cabantan, is already a bishop in Bukidnon.I wished I could see him before I'll leave.

It's raining now and I'm in my room.I know not what's going to happen for the next few days that I'll be here.I still feel my body pains.I feel the discomfort but I am just glad I am going to dwell with this alone with My GOD.I dont want to cause pains towards my family.I know they would always understand but still I have the choice not to torture them.I can always avoid being bitchy.I dont mind spending and being away from them.I am just listening to what my body dictates on me.

my first lunch today

my working table

Friday, December 3, 2010

Yoga Day with my new teacher

I had done basic yoga classes before.I had few sessions at the MORO gym in the Ateneo, one at Vinyasa and at Ananda Marga.( If my memory served me right) I honestly was glad i did all those sessions because somehow I was relieved from stress in any form specially when I knew back then that my monthly period was on the verge of causing havoc to my relationship with others and with myself.Those sessions were great opportunities for me to find my center in the midst of all that enveloped me but I sensed I wasnt too ready to do the practice seriously.I guess I was not yet too embracing for an exercise that would surely make me someone that's totally free from too much complications that this world i ended up stopping the program.

It was only this year that I was drawn back to that desire. My body needed much attention and my mind needed to be at peace.I didnt know that the universe has already prepared me a spot at yoga manila.everything just fell into all started from attending regular meditation classes then now enrolling in a one hour and a half yoga session every weekend.I must say that i am very ready to embrace my vulnerability as I am committing myself to all these disciplines and more to give myself that break it truly deserves.

Today, I met my yoga teacher.He's Jonathan.I didnt know much about him because he didnt formally introduce himself.All I knew was he did a great job in guiding all of us in this journey of letting go and more.We were six in the class today...all women at that.He, with his deep soothing voice prepared us by allowing us to lie relaxed on our mats.with our eyes closed,he told us to be aware of everything..from the movements of our feet, arms, everything..and the breathing of course.

everything went smoothly.there were poses of course that were too difficult to handle at first but he was always there.I was totally aware that I would not find my balance at some point.He sensed it too and went to guide me.I almost fell.I slept late for some days and it was not a good thing.He guided me for a few moments then i was back on my feet.when i perspired, I knew I was already doing things almost correctly.

It was so great breathing.It was good to stretch my muscles as far as I could.I was getting the hype of managing my breath as I was doing all those poses.I didnt mind the time.There were thoughts that came but they eventually went away without my noticing was such overwhelming to know that I was able to do the lotus position peacefully.I knew my muscles were relaxed already.

he told us why we're there.he asked us to let go of all our anticipations, as well as future plans and just focus on the present.peace was felt.we ended up with a short prayer of thanks and peace with both our palms meeting at the center near our was so peaceful big time.

we chatted with our teacher for a few minutes then off we went out.he told us to bring the fifth element of yoga outside bring peace to others.WE will see him next weekend.

it was surely just the beginning of me opening my channels to the leading of the universe.i am so grateful i am given the chance to pamper myself this way.