Monday, March 29, 2010


it's holy tuesday and i am just simply in front of my computer trying to figure out what exactly to write in here.i have been basking in the wonderful galera beaches with friends.i have finally started to let out my usual free spirited has been also a while since i last splurged into something i really want to do.being at galera allowed me to reminisce the youthful soul of my existence.i have recalled the wonderful times i had with my brother at the seas of our province.i love the water so much.just watching it from the shore somehow gives me the serenity i so long desire.being there too enabled me to think of where i am going.the whole year for me was so fast that i couldnt keep track with what's really was indeed so fast that i tend to forget that i have completed my academic requirements in my theology degree.what is next then for me?i am looking forward to write my paper.i am excited simply because this is gonna be something that comes from my heart.this is not something forced unto me but rather it is my choice.yes, i am going to be a theologian..a radical one.

my heart is also heavy at the moment.i miss my home and my family.knowing that my parents are getting older, my sisters and brother too are getting so caught up with their own lives.i just realize how i want so much to spend more time with them.i want to see my nephews grow up too.despite all these, i have to simply face the fact that i am here battling with my own journey.i am just more appreciative of the kind of life i have with them.deep down within me, i do wish to just simply be with them but....

i would be a year older in a couple of days.i am very much grateful for the life given unto me by GOD.The fact that He has given me what my heart truly wants is enough proof that i am not certainly living in vain.He has always shown me the path where i am most happy.I could not also deny that for the past couple of months or so, i have no zest to utter my prayers.i tend to be so caught up with all that i am doing that i fail to spend quality time with HIM but who can judge me about my relationship with my GOD?NO one.I may feel a bit of shame for not spending time with HIM more often but HE alone knows what is really in the deepest recesses of my being.At this very moment, I would like to honor HIM for always leading me back to HIM in his own his own loving time.

I dont know if i will still teach in school this june.i have things in store for me and i need to give up a few.the very thought of me not anymore teaching is crushing me big was even hard saying goodbye to them last was so painful knowing i had spent great moments with them.It was hard not anymore going to laugh with them even at their corniest was hard not to listen to each of them pouring out their emotions about a problem or a victory.this is sad for i always know it is only when i am teaching that i am given more life.I wish my decisions will be blessed.i am just thankful though i met all of these beautiful souls.i am so blessed again.for my more than 18 years of teaching, i have always been blessed..still, my heart is really breaking even with just the thought of leaving but i know there is more to life than crossing my fingers though...may HE lead me to the truth about my journey again.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Why Have You Abandoned ME? (a recollection)

The priest yesterday asked the audience this question:"During Jesus' last moments when did you think he was hurt the most?" he was literally soliciting answers from the parishioners.the first answer came from the man seated in the front pew.He said that Jesus was hurt the most when the people shouted "crucify him." The priest added that yes, he did was hurt because the people who welcomed him to jerusalem joyously were those who also left him alone during those trying moments.Another reply came from a woman.She said in almost a whisper that Jesus was hurt when we sin.It was a nice answer said the the priest but he had to bring us to that context when Jesus had his last struggling moments.I was formulating my response in my head. I thought he was hurt the most when he felt his very own father had abandoned him.I was utterly surprised when an old woman confidently answered the same one i'd thought and the priest said that was the one he was waiting for.I almost choked myself to tears when the priest explained that Jesus felt so alone that time that he seemed to be overwhelmed with the feeling of being abandoned even by his own father.

alas, it was not in reality though.the father never left him.because jesus had carried all the burden of being tortured for the sake of us all, he felt that even the heavens that time was silent.when he was agonizing at the garden, he was i guess shaking with fear at the thought of dying.he had invisioned his death. the dread made him asked his father to take that cup from him.still, he acknowledged the will of the matter what, it would be HIS will and not jesus' that would prevail.i agree when father said that GOD allowed jesus to experience that certain human suffering to fully fulfill what his mission was all about.the meritorious love he did for our salvation was enough proof that we are loved by our creator despite our being undeserving.yes! God during Jesus' last moment was just there.Quietly observing that event because he already designed the path that jesus would trod after 3 days.

i have been abandoned by people for countless times.literally, some people left me without any good reason at all.some left because they felt i am no good for them.a few left because they have to face physical death.still there were those who left because they said that was the best thing to do.i did abandon some people reasons would be mostly because i felt they need to stand on their time my best friend in cebu was nursing a broken heart because her boyfriend left her.i had to take the ship to go see her.she was so glad i came.i did all i could to get to know the facts about what happend to their relationship.i could sense that she was getting so dependent on me fact she begged me to stay because she thought she couldnt make it through.i simply smiled and told her to go to the afternoon, i wrote her a letter.i told her i need to let her be alone.she has to stand strong without me so she could see where she would go.i promised i was just around and i would know if and when she really needed me.i told her she needed to learn to let go alone.i took the ride back to my city.then i called her. she cried and she understood.right now, she's one of the strongest persons i know.had i been with her physically all throughout she would not have seen the beauty of deciding on her own.for sure she knew i didnt abandon her.

someone kept on coming back and leaving me too and everytime he does that, i always become an inch wiser.during those moments when i felt so alone and coping i would literally cry in anguish to GOD.most often than not i would lament.I would question HIM.i would obviously ask HIM what's happening again.there is no sense trying to keep things to heart of hearts knows that i am not really alone.HE is just here jesus, i just feel that overwhelming sadness that i seem to really feel GOD has abandoned me.

the next time i am enveloped with sadness, i will just keep being steadfast knowing someone more powerful has suffered more than i do and i guess i would be alright.hope you do too.

Friday, March 26, 2010

remembering Jay Castro

marlyne picked me up after school and we drove all the way to alabang for the second family day.I was hungry and tired still so i ended up sleeping in the car.I didnt have any inkling as to what would transpire in the meeting.after hurdling for more than an hour with the traffic, we reached the venue.This time it was at a country club.

Much to my surprise, i was met by someone who made my heart beat faster 2 months ago.JAY.He was all smiles when we were approaching.I had to wave in recognition and the rest was history again.

Before the meeting started, i dragged zoem to go with me to the comfort room.After a few minutes, i came out first only to find out that Jay was already meeting me.He said hi and asked me how's everything.Then we started talking like we've known each other forever.He was apologetic when i told him he seemed not to recognize us when we went to tagaytay.He said he really did not see us.Of course, i knew he didnt.He did a lot of salestalking too for something that their community made.We talked until we were all asked to be at the meeting room.He joined the group activity.I was kind of conscious because we were facing each other.It was marlyne who told me he somehow kept on glancing at me.well, i did the same too.

His life story was so inspiring.It was made more touching because of his good diction and more so because he looked at me while sharing.As a whole, it was indeed an insightful afernoon with the families.

Food was served afterwards.He was busy with stuffs.I was busy with mine.I ate because i was very hungry then i chatted with the other families.I was beginning to feel so tired.I did not know that he was waiting for us to get our pancake.I had to ask him jokingly and he told me he's waiting.He was a great salesman.He was able to sell all 15 pancakes at 300 pesos each.Well, after all he's the president of their business company.

There were more conversations made before we left.I had to say goodbye to him after congratulating him for a job well done.I was glad.

Everybody in the car was sick back home.WE skipped lunch that's why.AS i am writing this, I am feeling so tired but smiling still.I met him again and we had longer conversations.It was a breath of fresh air.

I had no illusions over the friendship.I am just happy someone from that place has left a spot in here.More importantly, i know he trusts me in many ways.He has shared his life to me and marlyne.I acknowledged that fact and i am looking forward for his successful journey in life, whatever it is.

remembering JC....

He came with his mom inside the church while we were listening to the eulogies.I waved at them and they smiled back.I was glad.despite my being tired i was invigorated.while the coffin was led outside i went to their place and thanked them for was my first time to talk to his mom. she was so kind and friendly.we talked like we're good friends way back.Jay and i talked about what happened.I had to leave after a while to be at the burial site.While walking, Father asked me to get the holy water from the church.I went back to get it when i saw him following inside.We held hands and we talked for awhile.He had to be with the team and i had to hurry back to the site.He was there until the body was buried.I saw him whereever my eyes were looking.I kept thinking perhaps i would not have the chance to see him in a long time.There will be no more family days to attend to for us.I am beginning to miss him but at the same time glad he came when i needed to be alright.He was such a breathe of fresh air.His mom approached us and wished my friend well.she thanked me.we hugged and kissed.he didnt say goodbye though.i saw him went back to their car.we went on with our business at the site.i felt better.i went home so tired from all that transpired for days.until now i still feel so sleepy but im getting body just wants attention and i need to listen to it.i still think of him and that so grateful he's part of my journey with the center.he may not have known it but he's always made my day everytime i was there and supporting my friend.perhaps he wont know it.still, im glad he really came.

I have been thinking about him for the past couple of days.I was brought to the times when we we first met and the conversations i entertained the thoughts of him, i felt glad knowing that i never did expect that we would have those my heart of hearts, i believe we both wished we could have more time outside those meetings...time when he would be more ready to be in the world where he's supposed to be...i was slightly hoping i would meet him somewhere and really talk over a cup of coffee or perhaps have dinner together.i could still imagine his expression when he told me the first time that he would go out and concentrate on their family business.he was so thrilled that time.i was happy he took time to tell me that.I was always happy when i was with him.the last time i saw him, we held hands and he consoled me.i was hoping he would be alright really ...yet this afternoon, i heard a sad news.he suffered a backtrack.i dont know how to react.i pretended that i was not affected but my heart would like to scream.i wanted to see him.I could only pray he would be alright just like what he was wishing to happen.i wanted to hold his hands and just tell him to fight again to survive.gees, i had no way of telling him that i care about still hoping though that the universe would allow me to see him again...just to see him ..perhaps, things would be different


It was more than a month ago when marlyne and i were so stressed out trying to look for a rehab center where we could confine her significant was also God's providence certainly that we're led to rising phoenix. everything was in perfect place and timing until now.

one of the things we did before finally deciding to admit him was to have an ocular visit.sir lui, one of the founders of the center personally drove us to the place.from alabang, we went all the way to tagaytay.i found the place so friendly.a welcoming site, actually.since it was my first time to enter a rehab center, i felt a bit cautious at first but when i finally entered the place, i was awed seeing gentle looking faces who were so hospitable to us.someone said hi and i had to see who that was.i saw a chinese looking guy in black at the receiving area.i said hi back, naturally.we were ushered inside by sir chito and we asked questions...a lot of questions.we had the chance to tour the place while he introduced to us the programs.i was more convinced that marlyne should take the place for JVC.

we asked if we could talk to some residents and they provided us was a more than 40 year old man who was the son of a mayor, the other one was a big guy who happened to be a nephew of a political figure and to my surprise the third guy was the one who greeted us first.his name was jay.we asked them questions and they happily provided us all that we needed.they shared their stories to us.the three of them gave inspiring revelations.i was moved because i felt how happy and contented they were being in that hunch was right.the place was non-threatening.

jay was so engrossed talking and man, he was really good looking.i thought he was chinese but he said he's a filipino.he's the only child of business oriented parents.he was into addiction because of friends.he started young he said.he just woke up one day finding his life was almost wasted.just like the other two, he wanted a clean life again.the three of them are seniors in the center.they will go out soon.i told them i wish they'll continue doing good. after more than 30 minutes of fruitful sharing, we had to thank them for their time.we needed to go back to was late.i went out of the place happy and really inspired.i just met 3 inspiring people.more so, i met a man who was very cool and eloquent. marlyne told me while we were in the car that she noticed jay kept looking at me.i told her that's why i could not look at him straight in the eye.well, that's just how it started a month ago.

earlier today we went to alabang for the first family meeting.i saw again mr david, sir lui, and some new faces particularly the parents and relatives.I was overwhelmed by the support.a guy named jaimee shared his experiences as a recovering young man.people were inspired obviously.

while talking to mr. david, i saw someone in black appeared from the door and i was suprised.It was Jay.He looked at me and tried to smile in recognition but i felt so awkward because i was talking to sir david and suddenly i was out of focus. i tried to concentrate naturally.we had to eat after the conversation.while trying to devour my food, i saw jay looking at me from the mess hall.i was very conscious.i told marlyne.i had to look at him so i could say hi but everytime i did that he seemed to be busy doing something.while having a photo session with sir lui, i caught him looking at me again so i had no choice but waved and said hi.he gave me that big smile.i was melting.he was having a meeting with the counselor and his mom while marlyne and i were also getting feedbacks from her husband's counselor.I saw him stood and went somewhere then walked near our venue.I had to say hi again and asked him how he was.of course i asked him if he still remembered us and he did.i told him he gained weight and he told me he's trying to eat more.the last time i saw him, he was like slimmer.he looked more handsome.i guess he's ready to face the real world fact he already enjoyed his day off without chaperone.he was still at the venue with jaime while we were finishing our session.we said goodbye to everyone but not to him. i wanted too but i ws kind of shy.we had to wait for our car at the lobby.sam and i went to the comfort room while marlyne waited.i did not notice where jay was.i was busy taking pictures when i saw him across the street.what happened next was a bonus.he was approaching me.i naturally had to pretend i didnt see him but he was already opening the glass door and smiled at me.i felt like a teenager seing him like that.i said hi again and we talked.he told me he would be working with their business in a months time.I told him i was happy for him.I sincerely wished him the best.we talked about other stuffs.He even told me it's his mom's birthday today.we would have talked more but he was already told it's time to leave.he said goodbye and i told him to take care.i was still standing at the same spot while he was already inside the car.they left ahead of us.

on my way home, i could not stop grinning.marlyne was teasing me big time.i was just happy and inspired.i dont even know if i'll still see him again.i just could not believe he still remembered me and of course marlyne and really found time to talk to me. by the way he had his education in london.he had breeding.whoever he's going to be with would be so lucky.he may have done something stupid but that was part of his carefree journey.judging from his bearing, he's got so much to offer to this world.

someday, perhaps i'll meet him again.i would still wave at him and i know he would smile back.