new year huh!

It's the last day of the year.I dont want to look back to all that has been but i would just like to be grateful for all that were bestowed on me.Some were pleasant, some were not too.Still in the greater scheme of things i have learned.I guess that is what's important.tomorrow's the start of a new year.I am hoping that things will be better not only for myself but for everyone else.There are things to be done moreso things that will be left behind.looking forward is what i am going to do.living each day as if is my last still holds true for me.since i have the tendency to fret, i need to conquer this.there are a lot of great things in front.i should learn to be more open and embrace each as a gift.my heart is deeply burdened but i need to let go more.

Happy new year everyone!2

blahs

my fascination for simple stuffs has recently been forgotten.it has been a while since i was totally focused on my school work.i was wanting so much freedom from paperwork but i just couldnt do it for the reason that this mundane task is always part and parcel of what we call TEACHING.I am blessed to be given the chance to teach again.I am just not that happy knowing that i have six different preparations at hand.i am not complaining at this.I am just totally overwhelmed with the fact that this has eaten much of my time.I am just thankful though that i am done with my academic requirements in my graduate school but wait till early next year.I am certain i will be having more frenetic schedules knowing that i had to be taking my comprehensive exams.I need so much time to read to prepare for this but being tied in my workplace too, not to mention my online job, i would be a hypocrite if i would say that i still have enough time for my hobbies.i always love to read the books that i want.I always want to go to the mountains and just commune with the little of what nature has to offer.i still want to swim and frolick around.i just want to be more normal but i need to set these aside.I still want to be in love with love but i always end up neglecting those who want to be near me.this is the price i have to pay for the choices i am making.again, there is no point lamenting.i am just sharing.

Just want to write

it is eleven twenty five in the morning and im still in MST waiitng for my next review which is unfortunately still in the afternoon.My first review was a short one since Father Lode had to rush to a book launching.He just gave me bits and pieces of what to include in my self-study.I felt a weird feeling though.I felt like a stranger to my own school.Maybe it's because i have not been here for a while after my final exams.I am thankful though i saw my favorite professors and few friends.I hang out with them for a while and now im alone hoping things will be alright in all aspects.

Life has been good to be generally of course.I still have my teaching which is always my lifeline.I still have the opportunity to do what i want to do each day with the people that mean so much to me.Still, there are areas in my life that need to be addressed to.Specifically, I am TIRED.I didnt know when this tiredness began.I just would like to sleep a lot and just want to take some time off away from what i am doing daily.I loathe this feeling but this is really what i am into.

Someone told me lately i need to be happy because he thinks i was not. I was stunned with what he said.i almost cried knowing he cared maybe about my life.I simply told him I can only define my own happiness.Perhaps i have missed something in my life but that doesnt mean i am not happy.I admit i need someone close but there is always a designed time for that.He wants me to cheer up.I really dont know what that means.I am definitely a cheerful girl.He wants me to forget the past.I could not.They're always part of my growth but i'd like to tell him i'm not holding on to it either.I'm glad HE came into my life suddenly.I wish to tell him i'm fine and really doing good.I am just tired.I have been giving off myself to others too much.I need to just recharge.I was so overwhlemed helping others that I forget I still have myself to take care of.

It feels good to be told someone is interested and is serious about me.In my heart of hearts i want so much all these to be real.I am taking my time.There are limitations to the relationship that is going on.Distance is one of them.Constant communication is another.There is the UNIVERSE anyway that would lead us to be together.I just dont want to put pressure to anything.I have been there and done that.I value more than anything trust and honesty.I can only have those when i let go of my selfishness.He already knows what i feel towards him.He told me the same.Let's leave it like that then.i like how it is at the moment.

Going back, i am still tired now but i know there are still more tired people at the moment. My friend just lost his mom and i saw him laughing already.How else will i deny myself of the same opportunity to laugh with him?I did goof up with him today and it felt great.Anyway, I am thinking of going back to my yoga classes.

I need to go out for lunch. Im thinking of having Tofu again.Thanks for reading.

Darren

it's his birthday today but i dont know how to tell him how much his friendship is missed.i havent heard from him in a while.To be exact it has been six months.The last time we talked was during my birthday when he really travelled a distance just to find a shop where he could talk to me and be with me on my special day.it was a lovely surprise from an online buddy who has been there for me not only during my happiest moments but more than anything else, when i was at my lowest.as i am writing this, my heart is aching for that friend.i miss our daily conversations.i miss seing him smile while teasing me because i look like a little girl.yah, he's such a tall white mammal.i miss him when he would gossip about his housemate who was literally with him waiting for his turn to use the computer.I am really missing the deep conversations about life, about his family, his kids, his work and everything.I miss him in a way that i am missing a best friend.i miss our email messages everyday.i thought i am ok but not talking to him for half a year has created an empty space here.he's the only online buddy who has definitely made me so comfortable.There was never any dull moment with him.He knew how to start and end a conversation.There were no pretensions.Despite his being a busy fellow, not to mention his being a dad, he always took time to talk to me.There was a time when he was suddenly gone for like five months without saying goodbye.....yet he came back..but now, i really dont know if he would.I dont know what's happening but I remember him most today..HIS BIRTHDAY!

i want to honor him for being a real online buddy.He was my valentine, my snowman and all.I am hoping he's doing well.I just wish him well.

I said a prayer for him too.I am glad i met someone like him.Despite the distance, the time difference and all, we had a friendship that stayed longer than expected.I am certain he remembers and thinks of me.I know he doesnt like to leave like that again...but i know too, he's got his reasons.Aside from the fact that he hasnt any computer of his own, he also keeps on travelling to places due to work.I do want him to be happy.I dont want him sad anymore.He's been through a lot before.I am just happy i was able to share that friendship...and i will remain a friend forever.

He is Darren...and yes, he is my tall british friend.

Should he read this...I want him to know i'm so grateful for the friendship and i am hoping the universe will make our paths cross again someday.after all, it's rare to have someone like him..a true friend.a gem.

sigh

i am so tired and i didnt know where it all started.today, i shed copious tears while watching a korean movie.it was not because the movie was sad.I guess it was because watching it was just my outlet to pour out my pent up emotions.i dont know where to begin but i am certain my heart deep within is a bit sad.i am wanting so much to hug someone who would not really judge me in any way.i just want to be hugged and to be assured again that life is great.i miss being comforted and assured about everything.i must admit i am tired now and it really is kind of killing me.being alone has taken its toll on me.perhaps because i havent for the longest time met someone who really wants me not because i can offer him/her something but because i am simply a vulnerable person who just wants to be embraced as i am.i am still whole but i am really wanting a comforting presence from someone.perhaps someone who need not say anything but just being there for me.
.....in time, i'll get by but right now, i am aware this is what and where i am.

random thoughts

it has been a week since the second semester started.I did not even think that i would still handle classes in school but unexpectedly they called me again.I was already preparing myself to hurdle the long hours of review for my comprehensive exams.the very thought of this already gave me some butterflies in my stomach.Anyway, i am bent to finish this degree.there is just something about my being in this field that makes my life more meaningful.My brother once told me i should earn a lot of money for my future.I simply smiled at him.I dont want to sound ascetic but i believe so much in my heart that there is something more to life than earning more.

I do feel tired lately.it all started when i had a misunderstanding with my brother.come to think of it, it was simply a common rift between siblings who were just trying to be more giving to the needs of other family member.i actually regretted the thought of exchanging unpleasant words with him.i knew we're both sorry.he did call my sister and told her he was sorry for his actuations.it really didnt matter who was at fault.i was just not so happy that we had to be like that.i miss him of course.

there is also this strange feeling in my heart that neither words nor actions can explain.I just am happy with the thought that someone shows kindness to me.it's too good to be true but i'm beginning to love the fact that we're communicating.i'll just live things like this and see where the conversation will lead us.

Thanks Father McKeating

The semester has ended and it still is very unexpected for me.We've missed a lot of classes due to the recent calamity that hit Manila and the neighboring provinces.Despite the uncertainties of life, I still find great joy for the opportunity of being in this course.Since day one of my meeting with the charming professor, my quest for knowledge and wisdom about what grace is really all about was so overwhelming.I must admit though that the first session was quite a blur to me.I needed a lot of unlearning to do so as to let new insights enter into my system.Lectures concerning grace, the evolution, human anatomy and what have you were indeed very comprehensive and worth reflecting for.There were painful truths too that hit me right there and then just like my notions of grace.I had a very naive understanding of this "sacrament" that when Father started to unfold what grace is actually all about,i had to really question myself as to where did i get such ideas..Anyway, my limited view about theology and even other human sciences was broadened with my enrolling in this course.It is just fitting that I should give credit to whom it is due.My professor deserves two thumbs up for being so cool and passionate in his teachings.I never even saw him showed any inch of burden in discussing the very delicate lessons.Because of him, I learn to accept my own limitations and started to be a better individual and a Christian of course.

If there were specific lessons that marked a special spot in my heart it would be Father McKeating's lecture on Ecology and Evolving Creation.I would like to stress though that every single discussion that he had imparted unto us were always significant.It is, however the above mentioned topic that made a great impact to my whole being.Because of the devastating effect of the recent storm Ondoy, I have come to rethink for the _nth time my role as a steward of God's creation.I was there when the water started to rise in almost all of the streets of Cubao and its neighboring areas.I saw with my naked eyes how people screamed while trying to save themselves from the raging current that snapped almost the entire surrounding at once.I did not only see this...I was one of those who literally had to swim just to find a place where I could hold on to breathe.I was with these people who were only trying to go to their respective destinations.I was just trying to go to school and be part of my Theology class but that calamity brought me somewhere else.I was stranded for almost 16 hours not anymore knowing where I would be the next day.I saw how dark the place was.I heard the silent prayers of my fellow bystanders.I saw how Ondoy wrecked the houses and the properties.I was there.It wasnt panicked that I felt actually but rage.Just few steps from where I stood rose the newly constructed condominium units that caused the water in that area to rise more than 12 feet.I was angry at the thought of how money could lead one to forget the popular need of the people that is SAFETY just for him to acquire that material security.I considered it that time selfishness.Right in the middle of the flood, I could only think of ways as to how I can help ease the situation of the people stranded without food and water.More than that, I was still angry.Perhaps my rage was also because of my being so tired of braving the storm but at that very moment too i remembered what we have discussed in our Creation and Grace class.
It was very clear to me that our professor was reminding us once more of the depletion of our ozone layer, the denuding of our forests, of global warming and the constant destruction of our ecosytem.With the advancement on science and technology, we basically exercise almost all the control over nature.This is called the instrumental cause.Because of our inordinate desire for power and domination, we tend to neglect the very essence of living and our moral obligation to really take care of mother nature.Our decisions most often than not are geared not really towards ecological balance but towards disharmony.I am not exempted from this error.Another cause for this crisis, is an ideological one which motivates or gives legitimacy to the desire to become masters over nature which then has led to the abuse and destruction of our natural resources.
It took me two days before I finally saw my own home.I was crying because of fatigue and depression after seing the entire scenario.It was so hearbreaking.More than that, I also felt sad that I had not done much to help.Until now, I am full of disappointment and even guilt.I am always part of the blame.Every single misery that ONDOY and even PEPING had inflicted on the humanity is for me a painful reminder of how we made nature bled so much.Being a member of GREEN PEACE I am more determined to make a stand about issues that gravely concern this world.I want so much to live in a world where there are still a lot of trees all around us.I want that my children and their children will enjoy what they deserve to have....A HEALTHY WORLD.
I am so grateful for the whole semester with you Father.Your passion has always inspired me to be a better Christian.I have learned so much from you.MY heart and my mind until now are still on the process of recovering after seing for the first time the terrible effect of the recent calamity.I am assuring you though that I would continue to be better in my being a Christian specially in my quest to help make this world more safe and liveable.
More power Father and keep on touching lives.