Wednesday, April 14, 2010

When all i need is ....SILENCE

one of the few things that i value most in life is silence.many of you might not believe this but it has always fascinated me to be in the middle of what seems to be nothingness, except silence.many would think of me as very vivacious,bubbly , articulate (hmmmm), argumentative, assertive aggressive little woman but let me tell you one thing....NONE of these best fits me unless you'll know that I am really loving every moment in solitude.

Many years back, when everybody was preoccupied with life and what it had to offer, I was contemplating of entering the world of the contemplatives.I could not even understand why i was so drawn by the inward spirit of these people.I used to visit them in the outskirts of malaybalay and even in the hidden streets of my city.It was a peaceful feeling just being there and conversing with those gentle people.I had to consult my spiritual directors as to whether or not I was bent to be one of them.Of course the answer was a NO! my energy is meant to be expressed outwardly,My charisma is with the world.It's just that I am my very introspective self even in the midst of the crowd.Many would never understand that.In fact, they would misconstrue me as snubbish, aloof, sophisticated and unreachable.(Like i am a star huh!) It did concern me before.I was affected with what others think of me when i tend to withdraw myself from them.I dont anymore care now.

I love conversations.i love listening to people's stories.I am so in love with humor but I am also more drawn to people who have depth.(No wonder I am still single.) It is always cool being with people who find meaning in the littlest thing there is in life.Those people who like to share about how the universe has blessed them.I love listening to my students share their life stories.Yet, after all these,I still want to be alone. in my own comfort zone.I just want to process everything in my head.I want to savor the day's event.I want to be preoccupied with nothing else but peace and quiet.Many people wont understand me for this.I dont care.

I love to argue too.It's obvious that I am so assertive about what i believe in.Radical as I am, It is not my duty though to impose what I have on others.I hate the words "should, must, have" .They remind me of people in history who knew nothing but demand and not thinking about how the majority felt.As a teacher, I may have countless times of being imposing (and I was not happy about that..My apologies then)..I just wish i was not that demanding.I have met people, friends and foe who are like this.Imposing their thing on me...but thank you.My only option is SILENCE! when im not talking anymore, that means to say i'm not anymore comfortable and i dont want to say anything or do anything in the slightest degree that may cause more harm than good.

When I'm too hurt or too angry, my best option is to move back. It doesnt hurt much not to say anything unless it's supposed to be said.I find this amazing.My life has been so messed up in all its degree possible but in the end, I still feel like I am a winner.There are battles that I won because I asserted my right but most of the victories that I've gotten were because I chose to be quite and let nature took its course.

The past days have been so intense.I feel uneasy at few people's way of talking and behaving yet, i need not react.I had to let things pass.I choose to move back and just settle a bit.I laugh it off a bit and cry if I must but it is paying off. Words do hurt like a dagger would.Some dont get that.I refuse to counter with my own vocabulary.I know it will really hurt people big time.

I am backing off now.Thanks for reading.

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