Month ender write up

The moon is now waning but I am still tired. I had a a good practice at the shala last Saturday, though but my emotions up till now are still high and low. I am hit at times with sadness since I am way too far too even visit my sick father and attend to my family's ordeal. Calls are regular though but seeing and knowing how limited time there is for my father make me anxious to go home. I am hoping October arrives soon so I can visit during the break.

I had a confrontation with my landlady for the first time last Saturday. I felt I needed to say my piece since I had been experiencing inconveniences while  their house repair is going on. I was way too assertive that I ended up getting hyped up. A stone massage helped me eased my stress.

My mind, so you know, is confused. Thoughts come and go. I do entertain them at times but mostly I just keep myself busy with stuff. My heart is restless knowing it wants to find its way back home within. It is at this moment that breathing is very necessary.

I am counting my life at the University. I am counting months before I can rest from the hellish traffic. 

Where to after? Om shanti, shanti

Just dropping by :)

It's been almost a month since I last parked in here. Things were tough since my sister went into treatment. Fate led her to leave the hospital. She's still in denial. All our efforts seemed fruitless. Right now, I guess she hated us, as expected. My mom got all the wrath. I am helpless. Still surrendering everything.

It's almost the semestral break at the university. I am so wanting to be free from paperworks, annoying people, toxic system and stressful travel. I am just so missing my students. Life  in the field is 80 percent love and 20 percent indifference. I just don't want to be  consumed by the system and negative people. I wish there are more like minds out there. I don't want to sound arrogant but I simply can't enjoy conversations that deal with people, money..ahhh, all negativity.

MY body, because of fatigue, is aching until now. My colds or shall I advocate this to my allergies, really got its toll on me. I have my runny nose. My head's heavy at times. Still, there is my mat which welcomes my vulnerable self. I am glad I have a place  to go home too.

I am grateful for all the people who made my first semester going. My students, my encounter with them, the hugs, the tears,the laughter.. all these matter to me. Now, I am teary. I am still bad at saying goodbyes. I guess I won't outgrow this.

Today, I am alone but my heart is peaceful. I had my practice this morning. I am glad my ekapada is getting alright. Kudos to my more opened hips.

I am listening to Billy Joel at Spotify now. I just love to be grateful.

Have a great weekend. Till next time.

Namaste.

An intense morning

I was supposed to go to the Shala today but the heaviness that I felt both physical and emotional, not to mention spiritual, moved me to gather my mat downstairs and confronted myself again and my Maker , of course. It was my longest cry since I dont know when. It was such a painful encounter of my vulnerabilities again. I must say it wasn't the first time. Certainly,self scolding happens every now and then. Humanity with all it's frailties should be dealt with for life.

Broken, humbled, waiting, hopeful...
These exactly describe that encounter on my mat. I called Him my Maker, Energy , Force ... I was totally there just letting things go.

It was a cleansing and therapeutic immersion. This self is now revived.

Just look at the smile. Thank you Lord, always .

Coldplay - Fix You .....I'm loving it BIG TIME!

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I was watching the finale of You think you can dance 7 when a couple performed a dance using this as the theme.I exactly knew what I felt upon hearing it. GOOSEBUMPS! I felt I was carried away towards the heavens. i bet this song wasnt meant to be religious but i was able to attach a very spiritual meaning into it. Will there really be a man who would tell me over and over again that he'll try to fix me when I'm too broken?

Just recently an ex came back and tried to persuade me that he loves me still.funny because I knew his intentions weren't sincere. How could he be when he is in a relationship now ?I knew he wanted to manipulate me again to satisfy his greed. Ladies and gentlemen, this woman would not allow any man to hurt her.Anyway,going back to the song.....

There is healing in this song. A human heart that's frail is capable of being strong when someone is willing to help. Friends, family, anyone who has the capacity to be there in our brokenness. I was struck with the word..TRY.. This earthling promises that she'll do her best to help until the very end,

The brokenness in this world abounds. I am reminded of my moral obligation to serve in my own ways. As a teacher, I am always trying to fix people.I will not stop. For as long as I live and until there is a soul that's going to need me, I will help fix them.

Namaste!

Checking in

I was my bad self again few days ago and it has caused tremendous impact on my family.I felt hopeless knowing everyone seemed to be my enemy. This heart only wanted to talk to them about issues that could have healed me and everyone but I ended up causing havoc. I was hurt yes, but I have hurt them more. There was hatered. I dislike everything that happened but  my unhealed wound seeks healing. My inner child has been wounded a long time ago and it has been calling me to confront my family specially my mom.I guess it's useless.My family is a stubborn one.I can only pray. A part of me is desperate to talk to them but i know they wouldnt really understand. There is only that saving grace. I hope I have been forgiven.I hope have forgiven too.

Life goes on with me here. Alone doing my stuff. I love the gift of joy despite the trials. No one can take this away from me. This soul has peace within and no one can disturb it. I maybe wanting healing but each day brings me closer to that. I have still reasons to smile. IN fact i've got many.

It's a moonday soon. I know why I am affected.

Sleep well.Namaste!

Random thoughts 3

This self has not fully recovered from being sick.I had a bout of Urinary Tract Infection for days and it equally disrupted my life. I was thankful that I was still able to make it when my family was around.I was already tired though.

I had to take antibiotics to relieve the pains.I had a hard time sleeping at night because I needed to pee every now  and then.I was already crying in my prayers and literally asking my Maker to let me rest because I was already very tired.I still had to teach my students.I got irrited easily.I even forgot to breathe.It was an ordeal that I wish I wouldnt go back to.There is no one responsible for it though....but ME!Stress and all eh.

I am better now.I did my home practice this morning.It was not that painful doing the vinyasas.I was almost there with my headstand.

Teaching was alright today.It was a bit humid so I was sweating a lot. I could laugh more now too. I am slowly getting back in shape. I didnt really know whether I would be happy knowing I am losing weight.I need to eat better again.

I am at the crossroads now.I have not yet finalized my paper.My mentor wanted me to join the Conference this November.I also want to yet this mind isnt cooperating.I tried researching and writing again but I've got no drive.I have so many thoughts getting in the way.I need to attend to my house, my students, and all.I wish I had more than 24 hours in a day.I guess I just need to slow down again.

I would understand if i would not be able to join.It is an honor to be appreciated by the council but if this lethargy continues until next week, I guess I would decline the invitation.Will I regret not going? I dont think I would.Still, i will try my very best to accomplish what I can.May the good Universe lead me where I am supposed to be.

I am parking now.My eyes are getting tired.It's nice to feel better again.Sleep well everyone.

Namaste!