Month ender write up

The moon is now waning but I am still tired. I had a a good practice at the shala last Saturday, though but my emotions up till now are still high and low. I am hit at times with sadness since I am way too far too even visit my sick father and attend to my family's ordeal. Calls are regular though but seeing and knowing how limited time there is for my father make me anxious to go home. I am hoping October arrives soon so I can visit during the break.

I had a confrontation with my landlady for the first time last Saturday. I felt I needed to say my piece since I had been experiencing inconveniences while  their house repair is going on. I was way too assertive that I ended up getting hyped up. A stone massage helped me eased my stress.

My mind, so you know, is confused. Thoughts come and go. I do entertain them at times but mostly I just keep myself busy with stuff. My heart is restless knowing it wants to find its way back home within. It is at this moment that breathing is very necessary.

I am counting my life at the University. I am counting months before I can rest from the hellish traffic. 

Where to after? Om shanti, shanti

Thoughts!

It's been a month. I honestly missed writing here. I have been tired since day 1 of the new school year. Travelling back and forth is a killer, not to mention the endless traffic. I have not been seeing the sun regularly. My practice has become shorter. I walk so much in school. My legs technically are tired. 

My father is getting older and sicker. I worry, yes but I need to be strong. I am the only sibling who is far.  I really want to start something new. Tough times.

I am still grateful though. I am alive and still able to teach. 

How about you? I wish you all well.

Namaste!

Retrograding

I need to say that May has been a slow and emotional month for me. I just realized that it is already June 3 but my lifeline is still so filled with confusion and boredom. It is just amazing to know that I am still alright despite the slowing down of almost every aspect of my being.

There are standstills regarding my business or job ventures. Finances are getting lower each time, Family matter is annoying and stressful, I must say. My father is getting weaker each day. My practice this week has been paralyzed due to my weak body joints and colds. I just want to be laidback. I am a pig, as you know.

I only have more than a week of my summer break and University life is opening again. I am not at all looking forward to anything. All I want is to practice and go somewhere  where I am devoid of all the frenzy here and there.

The heat is still on. I am profusely sweating all the time. It annoys me unconsciously. 

Mercury retrograde is going to culminate next week, I just pray things will normalize. 

Despite all these, I am grateful I pass this episode. I wish everyone well and just stay grounded if you can even if it is seemingly hard

Om shanti, shanti

Hello 2015

It has been 3 days since I entered another year. I still have been overwhelmed knowing that I am going to be a year older also come three months. Life really is going fast without my noticing it.

The first three days so far has been good to me. Despite my PMS, i am more emotionally sane and relaxed. My energy has been calmer. I am grateful.

There are few thoughts that linger in my head too. I wish to share with you that..

   1. I'd like to be richer this year. This is not because I want all the material comforts in this world but it is because I want to help more my family and other people.

   2. I'd also like to travel more-both here and abroad.

   3. I'd like to teach English more and leave Theology eventually. I want to teach the languages and literature and I want to write.

  4. I want to marry and I will with my spiritual man.

  5. I want to practice more and get myself certified to teach ashtanga.

  6. I want to meditate more, constantly, consistently, effortlessly. 

  7. I want to always be me.I won't let people and events control me.

  8. I will bend but I will not break.

  9. I will keep loving my family in my own way.

  10. I will be forever grateful-in my heart and in my mind,

May the Universe bless me. Om shanti, shanti.

Holiday anticipation

Today is gonna be the last day of 2014 in school and I will be homeward tomorrow. Mixed feelings:)

A lot has happened at work. There are relationships unpatched, and emotions are challenged but the most important thing achieved is the level of strength I get out of all these. I am human:)

 I am looking forward to a good vacation. I so miss being with nature. I wish I will spend time at the beach or at the mountains. More than these, I am truly looking forward to have a more happy and more peaceful family gathering. 

Namaste everyone!

Just dropping by :)

It's been almost a month since I last parked in here. Things were tough since my sister went into treatment. Fate led her to leave the hospital. She's still in denial. All our efforts seemed fruitless. Right now, I guess she hated us, as expected. My mom got all the wrath. I am helpless. Still surrendering everything.

It's almost the semestral break at the university. I am so wanting to be free from paperworks, annoying people, toxic system and stressful travel. I am just so missing my students. Life  in the field is 80 percent love and 20 percent indifference. I just don't want to be  consumed by the system and negative people. I wish there are more like minds out there. I don't want to sound arrogant but I simply can't enjoy conversations that deal with people, money..ahhh, all negativity.

MY body, because of fatigue, is aching until now. My colds or shall I advocate this to my allergies, really got its toll on me. I have my runny nose. My head's heavy at times. Still, there is my mat which welcomes my vulnerable self. I am glad I have a place  to go home too.

I am grateful for all the people who made my first semester going. My students, my encounter with them, the hugs, the tears,the laughter.. all these matter to me. Now, I am teary. I am still bad at saying goodbyes. I guess I won't outgrow this.

Today, I am alone but my heart is peaceful. I had my practice this morning. I am glad my ekapada is getting alright. Kudos to my more opened hips.

I am listening to Billy Joel at Spotify now. I just love to be grateful.

Have a great weekend. Till next time.

Namaste.

Thanks Mama

                                 

This Mother's day, let me honor once again a woman who has been there for us and with us no matter what the circumstances are. She has never wavered  in supporting us in her very own special way. Despite all the hurts that we cause her, she's withstood them all and her strength is beyond compare. She may not be that gentle in dealing with us but she is that. She demonstrates her love for us in the way that she knows best. WE may question her, fight with her, agree with her and be indifferent with her but she in the end is very willing to accept and forgive us.

Thank you Mama. I know I will not be a mother like you so I will never understand the wisdom of the way you deal with the family. I admire you so much and I'm sorry for hurting you.

I love you mama. Take care always.

On relationships

There are things in life that aren't easy to handle. Relationships are one of them. Because we are relational beings, we can't help but but be affected with all that transpire between and among those surrounding our circles. Any glimpse of joy and sorrow, hope and despair, conflict and peace are always consciously and unconsciously shared with the rest of humanity, far and near.

I have my equal share of these seemingly difficult to handle things. I am talking about my family. It is very hard not to get affected. At the same time, it is so dramatically suffocating to get attuned to what each member is going through. Still, amidst all these conflicted paradigms, I come across a very sublime way of dealing with anything like this. I have to be centered. I don't have to forget that life only gives us something that we can handle. We just need to be steady for any hint of panic will surely devastate the natural course of things.

A friend confided to me today about her ordeal concerning her relationship with a boyfriend. I see that she's undergoing a vicious cycle of "what to do about this relationship?" syndrome. AS Yogins, that's what we call ourselves, I help her acknowledge that there is always this thing called "letting go." There are just things in life that don't matter in the end. Even people.

Any relationship has to be a good one. Something that allows the participant to grow, to breathe, to be. If there is any form of oppression, I guess it's time to change gear.

Life offers us choices. At the end of the day, I guess we have to make sure that we are doing justice to ourselves because it is only by doing so that we can be of great relationship with others.

Namaste!

Bending but not breaking

Despite life's odds, I wont break.I will simply bend.

So here i am again after being away for awhile. Life has been good, not to mention, challenging the past weeks.

I had to go home to check on my sister as well as my folks during the holy week. I am grateful until now to my brother for giving me the tickets. You know how tight my budget is as i dont have remuneration during summer. 

I am worried, yes, since I know my family is affected by what my sister is going through. I had a conflict with my father because it seemed to me that he's  not doing enough and that he would not even manage to humbly accept points from others. I know I should have been more tolerant as he's old and sick but this is supposed to be a family affair. 

My lovely sister

Anyway, my sister, I know will get over this state of being fixated to someone.. I don't know when or how. But she will. 

I'd like to salute my mom for being so strong. My heart is moved seeing her suffer but not defeated. I want to make her happier. 

I am back in my own abode- alone and humbled. There is the universe that always conspires. In its own space and time, things will be alright. 

with my beautiful mom

                              

                                         My heart is lifted. I am bent but never broken. 

                                                          Namaste!

Christmas with my kariton family:)

Even when there is a strain that connects me with my real family, it would not make me become less sensitive to those people who deserve to be treated with dignity.
I decided not to join our department's christmas part to give way for a day with the people on the streets. I was a bit tired the day before this encounter but it was all part of the plan of the universe that I should be there the next day up and about.

I didnt know what to expect as we journeyed towards Aurora boulevard. There we were welcomed by friendly faces who lived in their pushcarats (kariton). With my  comrades, Milet, Sister and Gil, we spent the whole day with our foster family, Erickson and his wife jaryl with their 3 month old baby girl.

It was a huge relief knowing the sun was very cooperative. We did our part as members of the family that day. We took turns taking care of the baby, bathing and putting her to sleep.

I guess the photos below would tell you how real joy permeated during that simple meeting. I am glad I made such a choice. Despite all that's happened with me, I am very complete knowing I have met people whom I considered my family.

The simple cart on the street has welcomed me as an authentic person. I felt so loved and accepted. I am not judged. I love being with them and I pray they will be blessed more.

Here let's look back at what happened that day.

that's the father erickson, man with dignity.Im with baby girl too.

authentic smiles overflowed

Gil and Ericksoon bonding time

every single trash is important for them

their abode:(

I pray you will have a better place to stay dear:)

but the laughters said it all. We built a family together.

just look at the big laughs

rare moments.i can die for this.

here..I am filled with love.

my new family

lunchtime:)

i am loving this and all.

goodmorning baby:)

the three of us with baby

smile

Merry Christmas everyone.

Sick and Tired

As the rain continues to overwhelm me tonight, my heart and my mine are also in constant distress. With my back that's also seeking my attention, I am almost going to give up.

The weeks has been tiring. The daily stuff is already becoming toxic for me. I dislike the travel.the cold.the heavy bag.the meetings.I only love  teaching.

I am angry at God now and I almost curse HIM. I asked him the same question concerning my family. "Why did he allow me to have this people in my life?"
I hate the fact that there are always vicious cycles that happen. I am gonna explode soon.I am almost forgetting I am a yogin and a moral theologian. My family is pulling me down.

I dislike the dysfunctionality. I cant seem to move forward everytime I am confronted with family issues.
Why do I have parenst like them? I have been battered when I was young. My sisters were not spared. My brother too. My mom's the violent type. I havent even loved the fact that she curses. She's not the typical gentle mom.I havent even remembered the time she hugged us.I grow up learning to gentle on my own accord.

My dad is milder but he has no great initiative for providing us what we actually need. I grew up trying to pay for my tuition. He maybe a cool dad but he has become so distant.

My siblings are pains to me too. I couldnt even depend on them. I abhor going home.

Right now, I want to forget about them.I want to be free from their dependency. i am so tired. I am so totally sick of the constant bickering.I loathe my sister's violent tendencies.

Family's arent perfect but hey, I am very consumed!

Please God...help me accept all these.

The three of them

Dad and his menaces

Authenticity

See the full gallery on Posterous

When everything else seems unreal, there are still a few good things that matter. Just like the smiles on these kids whose simplicity has healed hugely!

It's the first of December

Christmas is just around the corner is what the old adage would say. I dont really know what would make this christmas different from all the other christmases that i had. I still dont have my ticket for my vacation at home.In fact i dont still know if ill go home. I am becoming too independent that i dont think id ever feel lonely if id spend christmas alone.

Stll, i believe I need to go back and be with my folks. I am still a member of a family and I have an obligation as a daughter to honor my parents despite and inspite of. I still have friends in my hometown and there are still few reasons for me to go back.

Life as it is ...Christmas as it is. Looking forward.

Thursday the 17th of november

Life has been fine with me these past few days in the midst of all the mind boggling thesis writing stuff. I was trying to finish at least my Chapter I but  I ended up groping for good ideas. Because I am mostly confined at home I am faced with chores and students.There is also the TV that constantly invites me to watch good programs. You see, I only have five hours away from teaching each day. I simply dont know sometimes how to apportion this to cater to what I have to do. I cant help but create random thoughts of quitting my work to concentrate on writing but I know it's too impossible. I need to work to fend for myself and to help my family. It is a burden at times to think that I am not really that firee financially. Still, I am positive things will turn out alright.


This morning I had my early practice at the shala. I was at first contemplating whether to go or not a because I felt sluggish. I've got slight colds and my muscles are heavy and tired. In the end, I was brought to my favorite place, the shala. There were only few women there and It was a good chance for me to be more attuned with my poses with my teachers' assistance. I love my morning.




     




Because it was way too early for the  malls to open, I decided to stay by the poolside of the hotel and relax. I didnt know that the time I spent there gave me bliss. Simply staring at the cool and bright clear water, I managed to forget that there were tasks to do outside my yoga mat. That time I was just chilling....wanting to sleep even.


There are not so pleasant things happening at home but we managed to cope with them. I just realized life is too short to be very concerned of what's not yet there. I guess the future shouldn't be worried too much .What is really important is the NOW. I should not forget this classic lesson in life. in There are  my parents who are aging,my siblings and my work. I have to take things as they come or else I might be caught up with what's still an illusion.

Family

I was with my brother last night for dinner with a bottle of red wine.We talked a lot about our family, our frustrations, disppointments, dreams and plans for everyone at home. I felt relieved having shared with him what I have been going through inside about this family. It was nice knowing we share the same feelings and thoughts. Most of the things discussed were circled on disappointments over the vicious cycle that has been going around for years. It is really putting a heavy burden on our chest. I was glad we talked again.It was good to know i have a brother out there.

I woke up today perplexed. Apart from my sore muscles from the intense yoga yesterday, I am totally burdened about my family. I know i dont have to but I cant help it. I felt annoyed and disappointed. Is this really what family is all about....Where everyone seems to just depend from you all their lives? Do i sound selfish?I feel I am not growing an inch when it's all about them. I dont know.Is there really a way out?Sometimes, Id rather forget everything. Sometimes I even think of why on earth could i not choose the kind of family I should be in. It's not for me to answer, I know. There are reasons why things happen. The least that I can do is accept things as they are and just do what i can do about some hitches. Less expectations , less worries.

My brother and I realized that our family has contributed a lot to the kind of persons we are to day. Our strong personalities have been influenced much by the genes that we have. There is nothing we can do about that. We just have to overcome those that are not pleasant. I am glad I have a strong faith in a Higher being. I guess He is leading me to the right direction.

I still need to grow each day and it's not a piece of cake. It means hard work. Family is always family. It's the only one I have . I just pray things are going to fine, really fine.....

on a rainy thursday

After a few days bout with the heat, it has finally rained.As I am writing this, it's still raining cats and dogs outside.I am  relieved and sad at the same time.I know that there are those who are terribly worried about whether or not this rain will go on for days and will leave a lot of areas flooded again.I pray things will be alright.

I had my practice at the shala last Wednesday. I was with 9 yogins.I didnt do ny savasana to start off my practice.I had 3 deep breathings instead.I was glad my teacher noticed that my chaturanga's are nicer this time.I made the primary poses with ease.It was only in the mariachi's C and D that i had to be assisted.I was told to twist more.I felt the strain in my elbows already.I was very tired.My teacher asked If i was alright because my breaths were labored.I knew I wasn't. The heat has been affecting me.I just recovered from my UTI.Anyway, I went on with my practice and for the first time, I did my headstand at the shala.My teacher was surprised to  see me learn fast.I was glad. I finished my practice with a very long savasana.I could still hear the other women doing their thing.They're very advanced already and I couldnt help but admire them.I realized I was still a baby.Im still glad I was with them.They're inspiring.I only realized on my way home that I missed the four basic poses.My bad!

My monthly period is approaching.Moods swings are evident.Body is starting to feel heavy.Cravings are many.I am praying I would sail smoothly while entering this state.Om.

It will only be a day before I'll fly to Singapore.I hope things at the immigration will be alright.It's too bad I couldn't see my parents.I also would like to watch the all star games.Let go Jenny.

It's still raining now.I hope and pray people won't get sick.
Be safe everyone!

Namaste!

Friday It is!

It's my mom's birthday today.I am glad I was able to speak with her. I guess she's getting a great one because we had an advance celebration last weekend with all of the family members around. It's a great time.

I still havent written anything new. I am at a loss for ideas.I really dislike deadlines.I just wish I am a better technical writer.Anyway, tomorrow's yoga will be intended for me to be granted wisdom.

I am kind of edgy about my trip to Singapore.It will be my first travel abroad and I've heard from a friend that the Immigration officers are more strict this time.I dont know what's in store at the airport. I am fidgety at the thought of me being interrogated but hey, in the real sense of the word, there is always that force that will make things alright.I just wish I am more calm this time.Oh, I almost forgot...It's  a moonday indeed.:)

There are always some suprises in store each day. As of the other day, i have been practricing yoga at home.I didnt exactly do the full series except on a Wedneday since I am still having some pains in my pelvis. I focused on my surya namaskars and the Bujai...and the headstand.It was very unbelievable that I could already lift my legs as they're intertwining my arms. I fell at some points but I could easily adjust not to fall hard. I love the feeling of being lifted with only my both  arms on the floor. What's more suprising was I could already do my half headstand up to 8 counts without falling. I felt that my arms and body had adjusted to the strain.I fell for a few times but I was very happy to know that I can now find my balance in this inverted pose.I couldnt help but jump  for joy and utter words of praises and thanks for this gift of balance.I am sure I'll be able to perfect this in time.Right now, I am so happy with this milestone.

Tomorrow's yoga day at the shala.I wish everyone a great weekend.

Namaste!

My family's visit

upon arrival, @Savory Chicken

My weekend was very busy as I had to attend to my family who came for a short visit.My brother and I had to take care of their needs.The 8 of us confined ourselves in my little abode.It was a riot as expected.The very energetic clan gathered so there was no time wasted.Conversations about life overwhelmed the place.There were times that i got so annoyed as I was already showing signs of a bad health.It was my first time after so many years that we had done such a get together.Most of the time we were caught sharing meals.Back at home, though we were in one house we didnt get to eat at the table together as we were also very busy with individual affairs.I was very glad for the mealtime   that we shared over the weekend.

Papa and Mama

It was only during this visit that I clearly noticed how my parents aged a lot. Papa, who was the usual active person is thinning.Mama has been limping too. My heart until now aches as I want so much for them to be healthy always. I can only do what i can to really help them ease their lives.


My sisters are  also grown ups now.Despite their  still fun loving nature, there is always that sense of adulthood in them.Their sons are already growing.They need to grow more than these bunch of gigglers.

with my sisters, Dynah and Doreen

                      

I am alone again in my sanctuary.I have missed the voices of the people here.I have missed my nephews' bantering, my sisters' annoying remarks, my parents' bickering and of course my brothers pestering me at times.These are all in a good way, of course.


What is family for me then?
Simply it is a unit of unique individuals. The imperfections that we have are what make this family click.I wish for more moments like last  weekend.

with Mama and Bro boyet watching PBA games

with my nephews,Andhy and goodie

MY FAMILY

Things will be ok

from google images

                               
This self is having a bad digestion again.I really dont know what to eat anymore.I guess it's not really the food that I'm eating that makes my tummy uncomfortable but it's the kind of life i had these days.It's not that my lifestyle is bad but it is really because I have so much in my plate for the past weeks. My thoughts arent really consistent since i have so much preoccupations.What with my family coming for a weekend visit, my  case studies, my readings, my online classes, and my yoga teacher leaving.Then there is already that little excitement felt about my trip to Singapore by the end of this month.There is also my overwhelming desire to learn the headstand and all those difficult poses that Margaux has introduced me too.Now, all these and more are popping into my system and because I'm a thinker, a part of me suffers.Then this is the best time to just stay on the mat and do the savasanas.Boy, I missed it today.

This thinker has got to decide by the way which to prioritize.Indigestion is caused by eating things up even when there is no need to. So, today with a deep breathing, I must fix my eyes on my students who are hungry for my attention.Then there is my family who will be coming over tomorrow.There will be seven souls in the house for two days in my little space and I wish the Universe will allow all of us to breathe. I have to give up some classes to be with them.Now, the dilemna is what to do with this clan on Saturday as I really do wish to attend  Jon's last class.The answer will be revealed tomorrow evening.

I went to see my mentor today and I had a blast. I just had information overload.There were a lot of ideas coming in and out of my brain but the thought of finishing it in time for the presentation paralyzes me.I have to stop thinking about dates then and just do what I have to do. Still, there is a need to set the writing aside, at least for the weekend since my  family will be around.

Now i need to rest knowing there is that powerful being who knows what he is about. The heck with my worries.But honestly, I am still tensed now. Need Hugs!

Got to park.This little heart is trying to say something.In the end everything will be ok Jenny.

OM.