Bret Michaels & Casey James performs "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" on Amer...

glimpses: Day 3

glimpses: Day 3

Day 3

After having breakfast, I went out and took a ride to the mountains to visit the transfiguration monastery.Of course, i knew that I had to walk some distance before I could reach the place.The road was muddy for it was raining last night.There were only few people I met on my way.Each of them seemed to be very busy with some mundane tasks.The laidback life was such a cause of envy at some point.It was no joke arriving to my destination.I had to take some shortcuts because it was indeed very far.I made my own trail along the grassy and muddy field.I was a bit scared knowing that there were certainly snakes there.I had to even run so I could reach a clearer space.My pants were decorated with all those thorns.My shoes were covered with mud.I was greeted by a young boy telling me that I was alomost there.After like thirty minutes, I reached the top and the guard could tell that I was alone and I was taking the short cut since I looked awful.Anyway, I had to take off my shoes since they're all so muddy.I met an old man and his daughter cleaning the place.After sitting in silence, i talked to him while he offered to take some photos of me.He hesitated to have their photos taken with me.I understood.I felt so tired after all the treading.There was no way for me though to take a ride back so I had to walk again.It was just good Kuya told me to take another route that's not very dangerous and would only take me one and a half kilometers.While walking, I had to pretend that I wasnt afraid of snakes or any other animals around.Kuya assured me actually that there were a lot of snakes in the area.I wanted to run fast again but I decided to take my cool.Listening to my ipod and saying few prayers helped.I thankfully got to the highway safely .I just looked so awful with my hair in total disarray and my pants and shoes all painted with mud.I took a ride back to the retreat house after visiting the city's Cathedral.I was really so hungry and thirsty that I ended up devouring whatever was there on the table for me.

While resting in bed, I said a prayer of thanksgiving.The sight of me jumping and leaping on my way to the top was one of my defining moments.The freedom that I experienced that time was beyond description.Christmas is giving myself what It truly deserves.It's totally pampering myself to the joys of life that money cant really buy.It's not only my family nor friends that can make me whole.Simply being attuned to nature in its simples form is what I was desiring...and I got it.

My being here for 3 days is not only about rest.It's not only about prayer too.It's simply going back to where I came from.Myself.It's not easy though.I needed to experience my body pains to be brought here but it was worth it.

I'm not yet physically fine.I am still emotional and tired but my heart leaps for joy.I will be going back to CDO tomorrow.I would bring with me the 3 days that I spent with myself and my GOD wherever.

I was just walking and saw him like this.I asked him if i coudd take photos of him and he nodded

the entrance to the long walk again...

the monastery...one side

leaning on that big stone at the heart of the chapel

i would really be there...at the other side..awesome!

Day 2

I slept well last night .Heavy flow of energy is felt until now.The weather is cold in here for it's raining.Breakfast and lunch were healthy.I had my morning walk outside the retreat house while taking some photos of the freshly watered flowers.I also spent some moments at the donwstairs chapel.I just sat there in silence.I could hear my heart beating irregularly and my mind's clogged.I've tried breathing exercises though.My body just needed rest still.I went inside my room afterwards, stayed in bed and listened to my ipod while reading anotherJostein Gaarder novel.By the way, I just finished The Ringmaster's Daughter yesterday.

Like what I had mentioned, I am not here for a rigid spiritual journey but the whole place brings me slowly into healing.There is so much of nature that abound in here that my vulnerability at the moment is strengthened.The rain continues to pour gently to the ground and the trees and grasses are becoming greener.

I went out after lunch to buy some items at a nearby mall.I could see all kinds of people around.I watched the driver of the tricycle and I thought how hardworking he was.I was asking myself if he had a good lunch or if he earned well.I saw people on the streets.Each paced to his destination.I was thinking about why I'm here.I purposely seek refuge because of my weakness and there are those that are out there in the rain tyring to make both ends meet perhaps.I felt a sense of sadness maybe because I wanted to journey with them in the discomforts that they may be having.Perhaps my frailty at the moment is not in comparison with the old man and woman peddling or the workers who had to find shelter in front of the retreat house but I am still in pain.I have to dwell with this.This is how life works in me.It's enough that I'm here and listening to my body.I only have one day left before I'll get to go back home.By that time, I am praying my energy would be replenished.

I am waiting for my students.I can still hear the gentle droplets.

Chronicle...Day 1

I have not beeN in good shape for the past couple of days...week even.It's obviously my monthly lament.My body's too heavy to even exercise and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.Much to my dismay, I really could not do that because I have students to take care of. Because it is hormonal change i know not when my patience would fall short.I threw things and screamed if I heard too much noise and disturbance.Moreso, I was very sensitive to perfume/scents.My body could not tolerate these.I tried to do my breathing exercises but my body refused them this time.I felt the cramps all over me and my temper went overboard.I disliked the experience but i could not do anything.I needed to leave where I could be alone so I wont let people in the house suffer.My happiness hormone was very low.There's no other way but leave so i could divert my energy to something more positive.It was then that I remembered the Jesuit Retreat House.I called and booked myself for a 3-day retreat.

Early this morning, I packed my things and went.I said goodbye to my parents but i knew they didnt hear me well.I took the bus and slept there.I really was so tired.I arrived two hours after. I was given the key for room 6.I felt nostalgic at first.I was in the same place almost a decade ago.I noticed though that there were new people working in the house.Because it was a Sunday, I didnt see any nun welcoming me.It was very quiet except for the few chit chats of the kitchen staff.I brought my laptop and books with me.I did not intentionally want a rigid religious exercise.I just wanted to be here where silence could envelope me and where I could not hurt people in the house.My period's just terrible this time.

I was a bit dismayed when i discovered that i left all my chargers at home.I was a bit tensed of course because i havent fully charged my laptop.I had to call my sister to go up and bring all of them over.She arrived in the afternoon, took a nap in my room, took some photos with me of course and now she's travelling back home.

It was only when i got to the place that i learned that one of my spiritual directors , Father Jo Cabantan, is already a bishop in Bukidnon.I wished I could see him before I'll leave.

It's raining now and I'm in my room.I know not what's going to happen for the next few days that I'll be here.I still feel my body pains.I feel the discomfort but I am just glad I am going to dwell with this alone with My GOD.I dont want to cause pains towards my family.I know they would always understand but still I have the choice not to torture them.I can always avoid being bitchy.I dont mind spending and being away from them.I am just listening to what my body dictates on me.

my first lunch today

my working table

Yoga Day with my new teacher

I had done basic yoga classes before.I had few sessions at the MORO gym in the Ateneo, one at Vinyasa and at Ananda Marga.( If my memory served me right) I honestly was glad i did all those sessions because somehow I was relieved from stress in any form specially when I knew back then that my monthly period was on the verge of causing havoc to my relationship with others and with myself.Those sessions were great opportunities for me to find my center in the midst of all that enveloped me but I sensed I wasnt too ready to do the practice seriously.I guess I was not yet too embracing for an exercise that would surely make me someone that's totally free from too much complications that this world offers.so i ended up stopping the program.

It was only this year that I was drawn back to that desire. My body needed much attention and my mind needed to be at peace.I didnt know that the universe has already prepared me a spot at yoga manila.everything just fell into places.it all started from attending regular meditation classes then now enrolling in a one hour and a half yoga session every weekend.I must say that i am very ready to embrace my vulnerability as I am committing myself to all these disciplines and more to give myself that break it truly deserves.

Today, I met my yoga teacher.He's Jonathan.I didnt know much about him because he didnt formally introduce himself.All I knew was he did a great job in guiding all of us in this journey of letting go and more.We were six in the class today...all women at that.He, with his deep soothing voice prepared us by allowing us to lie relaxed on our mats.with our eyes closed,he told us to be aware of everything..from the movements of our feet, arms, everything..and the breathing of course.

everything went smoothly.there were poses of course that were too difficult to handle at first but he was always there.I was totally aware that I would not find my balance at some point.He sensed it too and went to guide me.I almost fell.I slept late for some days and it was not a good thing.He guided me for a few moments then i was back on my feet.when i perspired, I knew I was already doing things almost correctly.

It was so great breathing.It was good to stretch my muscles as far as I could.I was getting the hype of managing my breath as I was doing all those poses.I didnt mind the time.There were thoughts that came but they eventually went away without my noticing it.it was such overwhelming to know that I was able to do the lotus position peacefully.I knew my muscles were relaxed already.

he told us why we're there.he asked us to let go of all our anticipations, as well as future plans and just focus on the present.peace was felt.we ended up with a short prayer of thanks and peace with both our palms meeting at the center near our hearts.it was so peaceful big time.

we chatted with our teacher for a few minutes then off we went out.he told us to bring the fifth element of yoga outside ..to bring peace to others.WE will see him next weekend.

it was surely just the beginning of me opening my channels to the leading of the universe.i am so grateful i am given the chance to pamper myself this way.

Life all along

I am so grateful for the gift that i am getting each day.There is nothing more profound than being able to say my gratitude to the Source of everything.The gift of life that flows into me each moment is a reminder of His constant outpouring of tremendous opportunities for me to become more of what I am.

My attending the one hour meditation class every saturday is a response to that invitation of being attuned to myself deep within.It is not that easy, of course.The moment I step into that space..my ZEN..I am feeling so uncomfortable knowing I am going to confront all the thoughts that I have and then let them go.As my teacher is always telling us,it is indeed so nice to linger into each thought until we become so caught up with it that it consumes our entire system and then confusions set in. My breathing each moment is a gift and i am relearning to acknowledge it day by day.I am valuing silence more than I had valued it before.I am reopening the channels of my self and discover how wounded i am and that there are still facets within me that need to detach from things and persons that no longer serve their purpose.I am taking each day with the help of that Powerful force that carries me through my journey I am getting kinder to myself and I am becoming more honest about my feelings and thoughts.I am writing again in my own private notebook and my prayer journal has revealed a lot of beautiful aspirations that I want to tell my GOD.I am so grateful for the Grace that I am getting each day.My worries are not worries anymore but blessings in disguise.I am relearning to approach all my thoughts in a non violent and non coercive way.I am gentler in handling each strand of images that enter my sytem.All i need is to take deep breathings and then let them go. Of course, this is never easy.Each day is different and it brings varied manifestations of my being but because i am more accepting of the things that will happen moment by moment, I am more detached from all expectations that are for me crazy anxieties.(this is pretty tough). I am again grateful I am alive and experience moments of marvelous revelations about ME.This helps me in my dealing with the whole world which I am an important entity.

I am wanting to attract good energies and so I decide once again to refrain from all those negative influences.I dont want to be manipulated by so called friends but not.It is hard to be seemingly insensitive to their clamor for attention but I guess I am making my point clear.I've had enough giving of what I have that I almost lost myself in the process.I need to give back what I have lost..MY SELF!

I am wanting to attune myself to all that is good and classic.Music and books and good people.It's not that I am way judging individuals but I really have to make a choice of what and who to entertain because there is no use letting people eat me up by bombarding me with their classic stories of depression, anxieties and the like.Each has a choice to change.I cant make that choice for them.For the longest time, I have been a pillar to them but hey, there is always that limit to our being shock absorbers.A real friend does not consume but energizes. I want to be a real friend to myself again and not to sound like a pathetic consoler who ends up sobbing and hurting after hearing someone's pathetic vicious life cycle.They also need to grow up.

Because I made this decision, I am going to become better as ME and I want to be more human to all those that I am with.I bet this isnt easy but come to think of it...life is one heck of a journey each day and that is why I am backpacking every single moment until i reach that peak of total BLISS!

Grateful...

I was bent to watch RED today only to find out that I could not get the 1 pm slot.I could not make it at another time since i had an online class to catch.I was contemplating as to what to do.My heart wanted really to watch something.For some reasons, I really need to see something that would divert me from whatever it is that I am into...only to be led to the truth ..that is to face what I am actually into..I bought the 1 pm ticket for EAT, PRAY and LOVE and it had made a difference.

The movie featured the woman's journey in finding what matters most in life...that is her relationship with God and herself and her meeting with equally significant people who helped her in so many ways to get into the heart of her search and be a more loving, peaceful, spirit-filled woman...

It spoke of letting go, letting be, surrendering, disciplining one's thoughts, urges, wants, speech etc.It depicted the idea of loving oneself first before loving others.It showed the wonderful varied cultures of three equally beautiful places namely Italy. India and Bali.The memoir inspired people to never stop loving and forgiving oneself despite the countless times of failing in any form of relationships.It had successfully brought into people's attention the immense power of meditation, of being serene, of going beyond and going within oneself.It spoke of balance in the midst of chaos.It captured taking risks without losing that balance.It inspired one to love unstoppably and still never forgetting her self worth.It's smply not just a movie..It was LIFE changng in itself.In Fact, It was therapy.

God has simply brought me to watch that film..It has been weeks now that I wasnt well .After resigning from my teaching job, I felt so desperate.It was like leaving someone I loved so much behind.MY heart has been so heavy.I still asked myself whether or not making that decision was the right thing to do.I seemed to hate myself for giving up on something that I really knew was the one that made me more alive.I thought I was selfish...and I am still thinking like that at this moment.

Three semesters ago, I prayed that God would allow me to teach again in the classroom.He answered it right away.I was very happy.The school didnt really pay that much but it didnt matter to me.I was thankful I had my online venture.I was teaching like It was just my hobby.I was really peaceful.Beng with every soul allowed me to be more selfless..to be more patient, to be more understanding..TO BE MORE HUMAN.

I thought it would be like that all throughout but NO.I still have things to consider too.Apart from teaching, I have other responsibilities.I have to deal with other things that was taking all my time.I was so overwhelmed with everything in school.I had lesser time for myself.I was immersed with so much workload that I ended up getting less rest and sleep.I became weak and I was only wanting to rest BIG TIME.A few people were pains in the neck too which added more to my stress.I wouldnt want my students to be compromised.I loved them so much that I want to give them still the best but I was afraid I may not be able to in time.My body was telling me to REST and I had no choice but to hear it out.

I have been bedresting most of the time then.I was always crying knowing I left my heart to teaching.I know I will be back in time.I am just too harsh on myself.I need to forgive myself for feeling this way.I need to let go of anything that would hinder me from healing.I am a teacher and I will always die one as I have always said.I just need to let things be.There is a reason to pause.I could not go on knowing something within me is not right.I need to go back to my center.I need to discipline my thougths.It takes time but I have to do this.I dont want to end up being miserable.I believe it entails pain to love and sometimes losing oneself is even more painful.I have given up so much for the vocation I am called to do.I am glad I did that.

Right now, I am healing and I will be healed again soon.The world is a place which challenges us to be who we are.It is a place that would either give us a break or would break us.I took the risk of giving up for a while..I cant go on knowing my energy is slowly consumed.

The movie reminded me to slow down again and to take pleasure in the simplest and the littlest things in life that make me happy.I almost forgot about them,My music, my book, my writing, my few good friends, people i meet each day, my family, MYSELF and MY GOD.

It was a great gift...today was a great day.A miracle happened actually.I am transformed again. I can see more clearly now.I know tomorrow I will be less cruel to myself.I will blame myself less for whatever decisions I made. Silence helps.Tears actually wash away my guilt.I cant Thank God enough but I will forever be grateful to HIM for not giving up on me despite and inspite of.

photos taken at jamericanmuslimah.files.wordpress.com/2008/11

FREEDOM!

Choices are part and parcel of what we call life.by the time we reach the age of reason, we are supposed to be equipped with the capacity to think of what is good for us or not.We are supposed to know what's right from wrong.We are supposed to be free and do the things that we deem right.We are supposed to know that we have choices and not let the society dictate on us or even vice versa.

I have lived all my life knowing that I am a free spirit.I've tried conforming to what the society dictates on me but i am never happy.I appreciate structures simply because they bring order..at least.Yet knowing that structures are human made, I still dont adhere to them wholly.It's not that I hate them.It's just that I am not comfortable with them,I want to go fas far as i could and for as long as i can.I want to do things rightly according to what my heart and my mind tell me.this includes choosing who i will be with.

It is just funny because I am always bombarded with people who seem to be so dependent on what we call friendship.I am not.I believe so much in parting and space.I believe so much in letting go. I dont anymore hold on that much.I used to be that clingy but I have already outgrown that.I am happier setting people free knowing that they will always come back if we are meant to be.It's not anymore my style to run after useless relationships.I withdraw from people who dont give me positive vibes.I know one when i see one.I dont judge easily.I just know when someone is not real.I dont hesitate.I leave.

Someone confronted me recently.I hate telling her all that she had to know but i had to.She was asking me if we had a problem.I told her i didnt know.I just didnt like to be with her.I told her i was not comfortable with her presence.I disliked the way she dealt with people.I told her honestly I just simply chose not to talk to her anymore.I sensed that she's not sincere.I asked her not to call me friend because i had goosebumps.It was easier for me to tell her because i knew I had given her the chance to enter my life but all i learned from her were things that would hurt other people.I didnt want anymore to waste time dealing with someone who often changed moods...someone who would stare at you as if she's the only advantaged specie on earth.I was not anymore happy of her giving negative feedbacks about other people.I hated the sight of her with all her so called friends talking about other people's lives.I decided to deal with her as someone i didnt really know.She was perhaps disturbed about my behavior and confronted me in front of other people.SO she got what she deserved.I told her that It was my choice whom to be friends with.She got mad and called me names.Still, I pitied her.She wanted so much attention and she wanted to be popular.I told her that she just cant simply please everyone.It's the worst sickness.

I was amused with the incident.I actually felt so weak when she left.She was giving out negative energies that I almost wanted to faint.I was thankful I had my inner peace to hold on to.

I am looking back at it now with no regrets.I was glad i had told her what i wanted to tell her.I knew what i wanted to say.She didnt.She was barking big time only to be poisoned by her own venom.I dont fret at her sight.She has the attitude of belittling people but i wont let her.She really doesnt know how I loathe people like that.

I choose friends who could inspire me...people who could journey with me in my quest for truth, justice and freedom.I want that person to know she could never be trusted by me.I just hope she didnt confront me so she would not know the truth.still...she really needed to know how i felt about her.That's actually FREEDOM!

Quoted....From The Tao of Pooh

No matter how Useful we may be, sometimes it takes us a while to recognize our own value. This can be illustrated by the Chinese story of The Stonecutter:

There was once a stonecutter, who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life.

One day, he passed a wealthy merchant's house, and through the open gateway, saw many fine possessions and important visitors. "How powerful that merchant must be!" thought the stonecutter. He became very envious, and wished that he could be like the merchant. Then he would no longer have to live the life of a mere stonecutter.

To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever dreamed of, envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. But soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants, and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. "How powerful that official is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a high official!"

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around, who had to bow down before him as he passed. It was a hot summer day, and the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. "How powerful the sun is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the sun!"

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. "How powerful that storm cloud is!" he though. "I wish that I could be a cloud!"

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that is was the wind. "How powerful it is!" he though. "I wish that I could be the wind!"

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, hated and feared by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it--a huge, towering stone. "How powerful that stone is!" he thought. I wish that I could be a stone!"

Then he became the stone, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the solid rock, and felt himself being changed. "What could be more powerful than I, the stone?" he thought. He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stonecutter.

-From Benjamin Hoff's, The Tao of Pooh.

For thinkers like ME....please read!

Inner Freedom is Real Freedom

By Remez Sasson

Freedom from the compulsion of constant and endless thinking is real freedom. Your mind thinks from the moment you wake up in the morning until you fall asleep at night. It gives you no moment of rest. It creates thoughts and also receives thoughts from the world around you. This habit is so strong and deeply embedded that nobody even thinks of overcoming it.

In this state you are not free. You may live in a free country and you may have financial independence, yet the mind keeps chaining you to a contant flow of thoughts and mental images, many of which are useless and futile.

The mind is a creator and receiver of thoughts, and it also constantly produces mental movies. We act like spectators with eyes fixed on a screen, watching pictures moving on the screen of the mind. These moving pictures are so real that we never question their validity or whether we need them. Our life, habits, actions and reactions are all strongly affected by what goes inside our mind. It is only by silencing the hectic of the mind that we are able to enjoy true peace and true freedom.

If you were able to watch the activity going on in the minds of people, you would have seen a very interesting spectacle. You would have seen that each and every person is living in a kind of imaginary mental world created by his/her thoughts. You would have seen thoughts created by different minds floating through space and being picked up by other people, who think these are their own thoughts. All these thoughts are constantly programming the mind of the person thinking them, and causing the affected person to behave, act and talk in accordance with them. So where is freedom?

You may live in a free country, yet in your inner life you may not be free. You enjoy real freedom when you are able to accept or reject thoughts in accordance with your will, and being able to impose silence on your mind, when there is nothing to think about. This is of course mastery of the mind.

Only when you are free from the compulsion of constant thinking you become free. You switch off the engine of your car when you arrive to your destination, because there is no necessity for it to keep on running. Why not do the same with your mind? Why let the mind keep thinking uselss, futile or negative thoughts, at times when you don't need to plan, solve problems, study or work? When there is nothing special that you need to think about, why not enjoy inner silence - inner freedom?

Imagine your mind being calm, like a calm lake with no waves or ripples, free from the compulsion of involuntary thinking. In this state of calmness and quietude you become conscious of your inner self, which is usually hidden by the constant flow of thoughts and mental images. In this state you are aware of your inner being - spiritual self, and happiness and bliss emerge from within you.

How can one gain inner freedom? Through concentration and meditation, being calm, and developing detachment and the ability to filter and sift thoughts, without getting involved and swept by them.
Make your mind quiet and you will enjoy real freedom.

Think of Me

Watching this flick once again reminds me of my life four years ago.It was when I had no idea at first that I was already driven out of a relationship that's not doing any better.Fate had its own way of bringing me to that someone who came right at the time when I was almost going to cry again.He was just there subtly telling me that his presence was enough reason for me live life the way I had to. Watching this film with him was a revelation of the magic of loving someone who seemed to be very insignificant all throughout my life.It was saving grace for me to have accepted his personhood...his friendship and then his love.

As the movie progressed, I was more drawn to him.We both had silenced our mouths and simply let our hearts did the talking.The Phantom of the Opera was one movie that would remind me of a time that I loved and had never lost it yet i had to let go.

I am thinking of him today more than ever and wish he's doing alright.I am more than grateful for the chance to have him..and to have thought of him.

Bryan Adams - Straight From The Heart

Bryan Adams - Summer Of 69 Live

She left me with so much to thank GOD for.The two months that we spent together has given me all the opportunities to appreciate more my worth not only as a teacher, a sister and a friend to her but above all...AS A MOTHER.It was only through her that I realize I could still give more.I have not even realized that I have done so much like a parent would for her to tell me that I am like her mother and that she's so grateful.It has been a blissful encounter.
Each day that we spent together was a chance to discover the kind of persons that we were.The conversations that we had were so deep that we didnt mind sitting for hours in the dining area.The number of times that I was pissed off because of things beyond our control and the number of times that we chose to be quite rather than say the wrong things to each other were avenues for growth for the two of us.We were so similar in so many ways that it was not difficult for the both of us to connect.We were both free spirited and that was something overwhelming.

We both liked the same food.We prefer to go organic than to have meat.Each meal that we prepared consisted of more than 3 different colors.We loved veggies and and fruits, to be exact.It was not hard for her to adjust in the house.She knew my routine and she did them too.She was always sensitive to my moods.I was likewise to her.I loved it when she would help me when i was cooking.She wouldnt mind peeling the carrots and the potatoes for me.She did everything she could to help me in the house.She knew how busy my life was and she made things easier.She might have done some faults but that was expected.I had my share too.

I miss her until now.I still can hear her laughters while she was listening to me teach my students online.I still can hear her read all the english books provided for her.I can still feel her fears while sharing with me about life.I can still sense her worry over my bad back or my strained muscles.I can still see her doing her exercises every now and then.I can still see her playing with my neighbors' kids.Above all, I can still hear her say goodnight and goodmorning to me.And I miss her more.

It is hard for me to go out still.It's hard not to have her with me in church.Seing those different restos makes my heart cry.I still dont want to go the the singing rooms for i still feel awful knowing she's not there to sing with me.I remember her wanting me to sing Abba's Hasta Manana..I never thought i would be telling that to her now.Hasta Manana Dorothy!

The world is still going in circles.In time, we will meet again.We will make sure that we will still be the same crazy mother and daughter tandem.We will still pursue all the dreams that we both dreamt of...specially that of going to Africa.We have so many dreams together but since we are four hours apart for now, we just have to content ourselves with doing what we need to do to make our lives more meaningful.

A big thank you my daughter.Anyung Jung Da Jin.Go Ma Wa Dorothy! Till we meet again.

at the old spaghetti house

i was feeling so heavy due to the heat and my coming period.listening to my body, i knew i wanted so much time to rest...just to be alone again so i wont be as emotional as possible.i knew how devilish i could be everytime this woman thing enters the picture.It was a sunday and i decided not to let my bad hormones conquer the normalcy of things.at least, i was still trying to be sensible.I went to church with dorothy.I did everything i could not to hurt her by my silence or mood swings ( whatever we call it).I silently prayed for patience because i knew how short tempered I could be at this time.I was glad I managed.

We went inside the old spaghetti house and ordered 2 platters of pasta, with beef, pizza, and all those good stuff.We were waiting for our food when suddenly dorothy asked me a question.It went this way."teacher, is it ok for you if i would have a boyfriend?" I was stunned by that query and I could not do anything at first but looked at her with an expression of like "where the hell did you get the idea of having a boyfriend crap ?" i kept my cool and asked her why she brought that question up.

It was a difficult moment for the both of us.I could see that she struggled for words to really explain what she had in mind.i knew she liked the guy whom she met a few weeks ago.I invited that young man at home to have lunch with us so they could get to know each other.she wanted to meet people her age and i didnt mind introducing her to them if i had the chance yet i sensed she's considering the idea of having someone close as early as this time.

I had to be a mother at that moment.I knew she liked the idea of having a foreign boyfriend but i told her it's too early for her to be in a relationship.she came to the philippines to learn more about everything.she has only met a single young man.they only talked for few hours or at least few days.i sensed she's so vulnerable.she's twenty and she has never considered having a korean boyfriend when she was still in her own country.

She had a hard time responding and she could not even look at me straight in the eye.I am always gentle and direct in telling people about how i feel and see things and her situation was no exemption.I had to remind her again of her purpose of coming to my country and having a romantic relationship was not one of them.It was not that i dislike the idea but she seemed to be swept away by the presence of her new found friend.I asked her why she seemed to be considering having a boyfriend this time.she told me she seemed to be not normal.almost all her friends are in a relationship and they always asked what's wrong with her."Why she could not have boyfriend?"

It sounded so stupid for me but i had to lead her back to who she really was for the almost two years that i've known her.she was way too mature in the way she looked at things and the way she perceived life.she was more drawn to helping the poor through charities but that afternoon, i saw a softer side of her.

I told her everything i had to tell her.I acted as her parent now and the only thing i could offer was for her to see the different facets of the issue.

1. She's a foreigner and has still to learn more the art of conversing with other people using the English language.Having a young boyfriend who also has the limitation of the language is a stupid thing for her to do this time.She needs to be more confident so she wont have a hard time expressing herself for her not to be misunderstood.This is for her not to fall into whatever foolishness people might think of doing to her.She listened attentively.

2. She's twenty but she acts like a teenager most of the time.I dont think she wants to simply have a boyfriend for the sake of having one.I know she wants something serious.In doing that, she needs to meet more people. She only met that cute guy. i dont even know him that much.

3.She has to consider the difficulties of a relationship that's long distance.She needs to find someone who's totally going to commit to this kind of thing too.It's too early.The young guy has other things in mind.He told me about his goals.

4. Her parents entrusted her to be here because they believe she could be trusted.therefore, she has to live with that trust.i dont want that she'll end up with a guy who has other vested interest in her other than loving her.I know she knows so much about the misfortunes experienced by young foreigners who aggressively ventured into relationships with the locales.i am not saying she would have the same fate.I just want her to take her time.

5. If she really wants this guy to be her boyfriend, for she told me she likes him, i think she needs to think twice.I will never tolerate it in the house.Not at this time.I have so much to do.Even if i am her parent here now, i cant commit to embrace all situation that she will be into.Not this early.Not when I will be so occupied with my book and work and my own life.She better go back first to her own family and take the relationship from there.

She cried after all that i told her.She cried because she realized she suddenly forgot her purpose of coming here.I knew she was overwhelmed by the guy's sweetness.I must admit he's kind and respectful yet it's not a guarantee that he could be a good boyfriend for her.I told her she's so vulnerable. Unless she promised me that she could control her emotions and that she will be strong enough, i would not let her succumb to all her infatuations.she needs to learn. she needs to improve herself so she would be more confident to go to another country.Why the heck would she ask me that question?

I told her not to ask me that question again.I told her that not even her parents can stop her heart from falling in love.We can only say our piece.She has to decide.But because she's in my roof, it's my responsibility to guide her.Oh, God!i didnt even know i would become a mother suddenly.

Anyway, we went out of the resto happy again.I could not blame her for feeling this way.She has no brother and she has limited encounter with men in her country.Still, that's not an excuse for her to indulge in a relationship.It's still too early.NO WAY!

random thoughts

it would be few days from today and my country is going to be faced with new set of leaders, so to speak.i wonder if there is really something that's new in the leadership.i may sound cynical but this is just how i view politics in my beloved Philippines.In one of my encounters with my ethics class, i told my students to choose wisely those leaders whom they think are capable of helping them make this country better.Of course they asked me who were in my list and I gladly replied..."THERE"S NONE!" I have chosen not to vote.That means I am curtailing my right and my opportunity to give my vote to anyone.Am i good a example?For many, i would be judged as indifferent.For some, i would be called a "KJ" ( i dont even think it's a joyful election.) Well, whatever I maybe called, I am done! I dont want to waste casting my vote to people i dont even know.I love tis country so much but I just could not choose who?I had to go back to my old argument..."Let there be that 2 party system in the Philippines." I still wish and pray for a peaceful election.I still will be watching the news about that day.I will still be doing what is best for my country...but I wont Vote..and i dont need your condemnation, whatever!

I am bent to enrol my thesis this june for my theology.I am still figuring out as to whether or not I will still teach in TIP.I know how tough my readings would be.Dorothy is also here with me and i need to give her some of my time.My mind is a bit messed up now.In the end, i know what to do..HIs will will surely prevail.Some people are still not happy as to my getting theology.For heaven sake, I dont need any of your opinions.My bliss does not rely on what you think of me.Live your lives and discover your passion.I am sad for those who still dont know what makes them happy in life but my business is not to give them that happiness.It's only their choice that matters.Please jus dont screw mine!

The heat is terrible.as of my writing this, It hits 37 on the chart.My body is not really happy about this.I have no choice.LIfe has still to move on.I am just like doomed to have my migraine and all.What with my period coming, i dont think it's cool but I need to get by.I guess I am more powerful than the heat.

i have company

she came three days ago.my brother and i picked her up at the airport.I was so grateful my brother took the time to join me despite his frenetic schedule.i knew he's so busy hurdling jobs left and right from defending his clients, doing researches,meeting people particularly doing all the tough tasks as a political strategist of a senatorial candidate.he picked me up at starbucks then we drove to NAIA 2.We still had 2 hours before her plane arrived so we ended up talking at pizza hut then driving around taguig area while jamming again to the music we so loved.

she emerged from the airport and it was a great first meeting.she's here now.she's dorothy my 20 year old university student from korea majoring in korean literature.it was funny to note that i see a lot of me in her personality.she is very vivacious and warm thus she makes friends easily.she's childish and childlike as well.we like similar stuffs.we love walking,in fact we have our night walks for two days now.she assists me in the house.she cooks simple stuffs when i am having classes.she writes her diary.she watches English programs.she likes to meet people but she also values her privacy.She's also clumsy like me and that is something i find cute. she's here with me and since she has an open ticket, she does not know yet when she'll go back to her country. i bet she'll stay a bit longer.i worry about the weather being too hot for her, but she doesnt complain a bit.she's just a sweetie.since, she was with me online for almost 2 years, i know she already has an idea of the kind of person that i am.

my neighbors are so accomodating too.they take time to make her comfortable.i am so glad.we did simple stuffs together.we go out.eat, shop, learn from what we see. talk about our cultures, laugh, goof around and i am still looking forward for more.

i am glad i have company again.i like the thought that i am called a teacher but treated ,like a sister.there is nothing grand with what we have as housemates but my heart is so happy to finally have one of the sweetest students with me.i am blessed for being trusted again.it's great learning more from one of my favorite countries.GO MA WA!

we'll be going places and i am hoping she will have a blast!

Ohh, i almost forgot..the only thing that differs me from her is that I am a camwhore while she's not.she's very shy to face the camera.I really have a hard time taking photos of her.i just hope she'll loosen up a bit soon.

When all i need is ....SILENCE

one of the few things that i value most in life is silence.many of you might not believe this but it has always fascinated me to be in the middle of what seems to be nothingness, except silence.many would think of me as very vivacious,bubbly , articulate (hmmmm), argumentative, assertive aggressive little woman but let me tell you one thing....NONE of these best fits me unless you'll know that I am really loving every moment in solitude.

Many years back, when everybody was preoccupied with life and what it had to offer, I was contemplating of entering the world of the contemplatives.I could not even understand why i was so drawn by the inward spirit of these people.I used to visit them in the outskirts of malaybalay and even in the hidden streets of my city.It was a peaceful feeling just being there and conversing with those gentle people.I had to consult my spiritual directors as to whether or not I was bent to be one of them.Of course the answer was a NO! my energy is meant to be expressed outwardly,My charisma is with the world.It's just that I am my very introspective self even in the midst of the crowd.Many would never understand that.In fact, they would misconstrue me as snubbish, aloof, sophisticated and unreachable.(Like i am a star huh!) It did concern me before.I was affected with what others think of me when i tend to withdraw myself from them.I dont anymore care now.

I love conversations.i love listening to people's stories.I am so in love with humor but I am also more drawn to people who have depth.(No wonder I am still single.) It is always cool being with people who find meaning in the littlest thing there is in life.Those people who like to share about how the universe has blessed them.I love listening to my students share their life stories.Yet, after all these,I still want to be alone. in my own comfort zone.I just want to process everything in my head.I want to savor the day's event.I want to be preoccupied with nothing else but peace and quiet.Many people wont understand me for this.I dont care.

I love to argue too.It's obvious that I am so assertive about what i believe in.Radical as I am, It is not my duty though to impose what I have on others.I hate the words "should, must, have" .They remind me of people in history who knew nothing but demand and not thinking about how the majority felt.As a teacher, I may have countless times of being imposing (and I was not happy about that..My apologies then)..I just wish i was not that demanding.I have met people, friends and foe who are like this.Imposing their thing on me...but thank you.My only option is SILENCE! when im not talking anymore, that means to say i'm not anymore comfortable and i dont want to say anything or do anything in the slightest degree that may cause more harm than good.

When I'm too hurt or too angry, my best option is to move back. It doesnt hurt much not to say anything unless it's supposed to be said.I find this amazing.My life has been so messed up in all its degree possible but in the end, I still feel like I am a winner.There are battles that I won because I asserted my right but most of the victories that I've gotten were because I chose to be quite and let nature took its course.

The past days have been so intense.I feel uneasy at few people's way of talking and behaving yet, i need not react.I had to let things pass.I choose to move back and just settle a bit.I laugh it off a bit and cry if I must but it is paying off. Words do hurt like a dagger would.Some dont get that.I refuse to counter with my own vocabulary.I know it will really hurt people big time.

I am backing off now.Thanks for reading.

sunday thoughts!

if i were to trade something that i have now with something else, i guess i would not be able to.i am loving whatever i have and whereever i am at the moment.i always believe that there is never any coincidence in this world.everything happens because they are meant to.i still have questions in my head though.questions like why am i still here at not somewhere with someone?, why on earth do i still feel so childlike within?, why do i cry when people leave? furthermore, i still ask what lies ahead of me?or if there is still life after here.?then when i have so many questions popping into my crazy head, i begin to slow down because i know these and other questions will never be answered right there and then.Things happen because they are meant to happen.To add to that, they happen because we also allow them to.

i met a friend at national bookstore yesterday and i spent few minutes chatting with him.one question came out from his mouth..."Don't you have a plan to marry?" The only respond i could give was a grin.How else will i answer that question?I grinned because i found the question humorous in a way.If i were to ask it now, i guess i would tell him that I dont plan anything anymore.I have been there done that.Most of my plans werent realized the way i wanted them.instead, there were grand things that happened that were not really planned.Call it fate but i really dont give a damn.To lengthen my story, just few minutes after that encounter I was chatting with a crew from pizza hut.Obviously, i was there because it's one my favorite spots to dine.He candidly asked me where's my date?He further asked if i was married or single.Again, i gave my usual grin and quipped.."INTERVIEW?" He smiled and told me he was comfortable asking that because i was already a regular customer.Point taken.I was just hoping he saw me talking with someone afte that.hmmmm, it was just a short date.nah.

The bigger picture is still out there.I once saw a Korean documentary featuring the life of a monk.I was struck with what the traveller answered when he was asked where he would be going after leaving his work totally.He simply answered.."There is still the bigger picture out there.Life does not end when i stop working." In the midst of the material world where I am at the moment, I would like to stress that I am trying to be at peace with myself and with others.I dont want to be frenzied by what society expects of me.Life is better now for me and I dont want to trade it with things that actually dont matter to me at the moment.Don't ask me about my plans to marry.I desire it but there is nature that works best for me.I dont want people tell me they worry about me being alone.There are more people to worry about.There are those who are lonely in the midst of their friends and family.Ask me what my heart is feeling now and i will tell you It's joyful.I have bliss.

Thanks to those who asked me about my life.Perhaps the best question that you could ask next time is..."What have you done to make your life meaningful?" I would surely answer you with a smile for i know what i have done so far.

hello, goodbye

i didnt know that i was so attached with my Samsung SQ10 till i wrapped it with the cloth and kept it in my closet.My fingers are now scribbling using my new Asus 1005 ha.I needed to let go of my beloved gadget because the battery has not been well.I know that I would be on the go most of the time and it would be inconvenient for me to be looking for a place to charge it.What made me like this new partner is that it has a 10 hour battery capacity.

i am quite sentimental though because my samsung has been my lifeline for the longest time.It has allowed me to communicate to my students from the other side of the world.It has given me the opportunity to link with people across the globe...not to mention, it has been the source of my connection with my significant other.I made friends and foes here too.I had bittersweet memories of some people in here.Despite all these drama, i am bent to hand it to my dear sister.I know she'll take care of this.I wish she would really.

I dont know what's in store with my new gadget.I can see that it's a sleek one though.It's very portable and i guess i wont suffer much of my scoliosis in carrying this.It did hurt my budget actually but i didnt have a choice but to have it.As to how long this will serve me, II'll just wish it would be for a long time.

I will be missing my Samsung.I do love it.I will learn to love my new one though...after all, that's the best thing to do.

for the sixth time...(why the heck am i dreaming of that same person?)

i have to admit that i am a dreamer and i do remember most of my dreams.I have just read that people do dream most of their lives at night.it is said that dreams help balance the physical, physiological, emotional and spiritual being of a person.furthermore, we dream because it is one outlet of our unconscious to let out specially that we tend to neglect it due to so much preoccupations during the day.Obviously these are just few of the theories that psychologists and other experts had laid out.At one point or the other, they may or may not really be solid in nature.I dont really want to ramble of blahs blahs about why we dream.I bet this is always part and parcel of our humanity.The bible would recount so many stories about the role of dreams in the faith dimension of the early christians and the jews alike.Joseph was in fact a very prominent character in the sacred book because of his capacity to interpret dreams...big time.In fact, narratives would tell us his interpretations changed the course of the people's lives.

I am a dreamer as i have said earlier and i must admit i do have a grasp of what my dreams mean most of the time.They are most of the time revelations of what's gonna happen and what happened.Most often that not, i dream about other people's lives and what really would happen to them in time.Animal symbols would mean something to me.The snake most of the time signals betrayal or a coming treachery.The dog would hint someone's watching my downfall or that i am watching over someone.The water plays a very significant part of my nightdreams.A serene water naturally symbolizes that my life is on the right track.A dark and murky one would mean a disaster.

A month before Ondoy hit the Philippines, i dreamt that my sink was overflowing with water.I was totally scared because the water went up almost to the second floor.I was basically worried about that.I felt that there was a disaster that would happen but I could not figure out what.I just prayed it wont be tumultous.Then there was Ondoy.I was left swimmming for hours in Cubao and technically stranded for like 18 hours.Worst, my house was flooded up to my sink but didnt reach the second floor.Scary?!

More than 6 years ago, i dreamt i was swimming in the very deep sea trying to save a baby and my friend.I was swimming fast and saved the two of them.It was terrifying.Three days after that dream, my friend, confided to me that she felt she was pregnant.of course it was out of wedlock.I was the first and only person who knew from that day on.when it was confirmed that she's having a baby, i was with her almost the whole time of her pregnancy and all.I was with her until everybody learned about the whole thing.It was a terrible moment at first. The baby i was saving in my dream was born after all that she had to suffer...and i was there.

I had so many stories to tell about my dreams but i wont do it now.i would like to simply stress the point that i am so haunted with the thought of why i keep on dreaming about this person.Today was the sixth time.I am so lost with words to explain as to why i keep on dreaming about him.i am just thankful they're good ones though but still, I dread the thought that this might change how he would think of me.he knows how i treated him similarly with the others.he's a nice young fellow.i didnt even have much time to bond with him and his batch because of time constraint.We did have great times in class and all but that was it.when i woke up this morning and did my morning prayers, i could not help but cry again.For heaven's sake i really dont know why this is happening again.

Someone told me that maybe we're connected in a way.To pacify myself, I'd like to believe that.We're not talking anymore after the night before my birthday.there's no point talking about us.there is nothing to talk about literally.I dont know what's in his mind simply because he didnt open that much when i was with them.I dont really know.I kept on asking him if he was really alright and he said he was.This is silly perhaps for me to write in here but this is the 6th time ever.i have not even dreamt of my significant other this much.

I said a prayer for him today though.I know he's doing well.I just wish I really know why i dreamt of HIM big time.i hope after my writing this..the dreaming stops.please god!

My new American Idol

as i was writing this, my ears were glued to casey james' version of john lennon's JEALOUS GUY.i watched the show earlier today and how i just loved seeing him with his locks.he was simply soulful that my heart leapt.(ahhh, an understatement)i have been rooting for him since his audition days.i love the way he plays his guitar and the eyes ..how could i not love them?.the judges were so amazed with his performance that i was clapping everytime, specially when simon gave his.

casey is one artist to keep an eye on.he is just not the man with an awesome look but he could really sing and play his guitar big time.i'm a fan of bowersox too.i also root for lee but i'm loving casey more.he's just so laidback and obviously a natural.next to jason castro , who also happened to be from texas, casey james is my next american idol. whatever happens,win or lose, he will make it big.

THINGS I DIDNT DO.....

I was reading again Leo Buscaglia's "Living, Loving and learning " when i came across this very poignant poem written by a young lady who wanted to remain anonymous.This matters to me so much because with my number of years living in this world, there are still things that i never did and do which i should have been doing. I have missed my sister who died when i was only 14.I wanted so much for her to know that i love her and if there's a chance for me to live again during her lifetime, i would certainly be the best sister i was supposed to be.she died at a budding age of 18, and i saw how she suffered and i just realized until now, death is so inevitable.i was a brat for i knew she would protect me.I was so dependent on her.I was so possessive of her.she was all i truly counted on that time.dad and mom were both working and she's been there for me and my siblings.it was a tragic time for my family.it was more for me and my brother because we were entering our adolescent period.i know i could have done more than just be a sweet spoiled sister to her.I know i could have been more loving.i miss her more than anything else.i thought i have moved on but i still wish she's around for me.i want her to see how i lead my life.i want her to know how i try to be a good elder sister and daughter.i want so much for her to know that she will never be forgotten.i miss her voice.her lovely face.i miss her smile and i miss her when she would just lay in bed beside me or in between me and bro.i am a bit emotional now.i dont care.i want her to know she's missed and im reminded to spend time with people who matter to me.i am reminded to let people know how important they are no matter how far.it doesnt matter.i dont want to miss another day not telling them i love them.i want them to know more than anything else i am always here for them.

here's the poem for all of you.

Remember the day I borrowed your brand new car and I dented it?
I thought you'd kill me but you didn't.
And remember the time i dragged you to the beach, and you said it would
rain, and it did?
I thought you'd say, "I told you so." But you didn't.
Do you remember the time I flirted with all the guys to make you jealous, and
you were?
I thought you'd leave me but you didn't.
Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry pie all over your car rug?
I thought you'd hit me, but you didn't.
And remember the time I forgot to tell you the dance was formal and you
showed up in jeans?
I thought you'd drop me, but you didn't.
Yes, there were lots of things you didn't do.
But you didn't put up with me, and you loved me, and you protected me.
There were lots of things I wanted to make up to you when you returned from
Viet Nam.
But you didn't.

arrghh,this hurts!

1. On Specks and Logs

"And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye?"1

Mike Atkinson in his Mickey's Funnies shares the following humorous story:

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."2

Need I say more?


Published by Acts International

ETHICS

According to Aristotle, man's form comprises a soul, which has a plant-like part, an animal part, and a rational part.So how should we live?What does it require to live a good life?He answered that man can only achieve happiness by using all his abilities and capabilities.He held that there are three forms of happiness.The first form is alife of pleasure and enjoyment.The second is that happiness is a life as a free and responsible citizen and the third form of happiness is a life as a thinker and philosopher.
Aristotle then emphasized that all three criteria must be present at the same time for man to find happiness and fulfillment.He rejected all forms of imbalance.Had he lived today he might have said that a person who only develops his body lives alife that is just as unbalanced as someone who only uses his head.Both extremes are an expression of a warped way of life.
The same principles applies in human relationships, where he advocated the "Golden Mean." We must neither be cowardly nor rash, but courageous(too little courage is cowardice, too much is rashness), neither miserly nor extravagant but liberal (not liberal enough is miserly, too liberal is extravagant). The same goes for eating. It is dangerous to eat too little, but also dangerous to eat too much. The ethics of Plato and Aristotle contain echoes of Greek medicine:only by exercising balance and temperance will I achieve a happy and harmonious life.

Based on the book "Sophies World" by Jostein Gaarder.

I Learn (A Repost)

"It's only when you embrace the past that you've truly moved forward."

Most often than not,people would tell us to let go and move on.We do everything to simply forget those memories that hurt us the most.We try so hard to cling to the good ones...those that make us laugh, triumphant, ecstatic, thrilled and what have you.We resort to hang out with nice people....those that empower us hoping that sooner or later we will be alright again.there is nothing wrong with all these.it's part of human survival.It's normal to learn how to cope with things.Let go.I often tell my friends this too...but wait.

Humanity also tells us that we are not only made up of good stuffs.In fact, life is not only about joys.We need to embrace the alternative.There is just something beyond letting go that we need to realize.It is not forgetting what we dont like to remember.It's actually embracing them.There is the healing power of the experiences that terribly wound us.Of course we wont see it like that when we're the victims.The things that hurt us the most are actually those same things that allow us to grow into wiser and bolder people.Real joy comes from the fact that we survive the storms of life bravely.It's not forgetting them.

Oftentimes we fail to see what lies behind those tears.When we fail in any endeavor we tend to shun ourselves from the world.Then we make a vow never to be hurt again.Baloney! life promises us good and bad stuffs.We need to embrace them both.Living life does not only mean to be happy all the time.Sometimes, it's more sublime to face the odds squarely.Real wisdom comes from tough experiences.

I learn the art of embracing life wholly.I learn to appreciate the beauty in all that it has given me.I learn not to fret when i fail.I learn to laugh at odds that come my way.I dont want to forget either.I want to take time to heal.

Life has taught me this.

A Radical way of celebrating life

i was very lucky this year because my birthday fell on a good friday.well, i guess lucky is not the appropriate word.. blessed is. I was blessed because i was given the chance to commemorate two special occasions that would remind me of my humanity and Christ's too.Because i was kind of tired and sick from our escapade at galera (not to mention my skin that's awesomely red!), i decided to simply stay at home and pray and read and what have you.I knew that i had previously said YES to mark and Francis' invitation to be with them in Pangasinan.I had a hard time deciding because my body was really wanting to just linger in bed.Usually too, i didnt go out during my birthday.I was used to celebrating it alone or with the street kids or in the mountains of Bukidnon.I simply wanted to give that day to myself.Added to that was the fact that during holy week, I usually just also stayed home..but not this year.i finally packed my few clothes and went to Katipunan at around eleven in the evening on a wednesday.i had to sleep at the Condo because we would be leaving early morning the next day.The traffic was pestering me already.We were on the road for like 6 hours..I must admit i was getting so impatient and sick from the travel.Of course, I had also great moments with mark and francis.It was just my skin was so hot so i was very uncomfortable.anyway, we stopped by tarlac (hacienda luisita )to have our breakfast, took some pictures, then drove again to our destination.we arrived at Villa Carolina at around one.the place had a great view of the beach.we had simple lunch of 'grilled bangus and liempo." i had a great time eating but was a bit pissed off when i learned that we were charged 450 pesos just for that.I was totally numbed!still, it didnt dampen my spirit.i ws beginning to love the place because it was entirely so laidback.we rested for a few minutes then headed to the lighthouse.I've heard that it was the tallest lighthouse in the philippines.I had to really hid from the sun's biting heat because i felt my skin's really damaged.I felt so nostalgic when we were lying on the sand of Patar beach.I was thinking of my late grandmother.i was thinking of my brother.he was my constant partner in going to the beach despite mom's disapproval.goofying with mark and francis made my day crazier.Listening to the music from Francis' ipod made me want to fall into deep slumber.I was lying there big time.i didnt mind that there were people passing by.it was just the time i needed to commune with myself and my GOD!i didnt really swim the whole time but simply witnessing the sun slowly disappearing was a beauty to behold.my heart leapt just by being there.it was only during those moments that i could recognize more fully how manifold GOD's love was.Dinner was made of sardines and rice, sausage and corned beef and fish with tomates, iced tea and mangoes.The first night was so splendid.WE were just there lying in the sand with the candles lit and half buried.(Thanks to Francis' creativity) We were literally stargazing.It was so overwhelming that i really wanted to cry.It was few hours before my birthday and i was just so thankful i was there.

I felt i was simply brought to some special moments with my GOD.He just knew how I needed those times.I was also exchanging messages with JV who happened to play significant parts of my nightdreams.i had to settle things with him.I was glad we talked.My friends finished their beer and then we went to our room.I was sleeping so soundly.I was so grateful.

On the day of my birthday, I wore my sundress. We went to the town to visit the church.It was an old church but it's beauty was so magical.we went inside to pray and headed back to the resort.on our way, we bought some fish and fruits for our lunch and dinner.after our sumptous meal, the three of us invaded the singing arena.(LOL) we technically sang to our hearts' content only to be a bit embarrassed by no less than the owner herself.well, it didnt dampen my spirit.though, she did make such a great impact.It was a good friday too.We rested on a cottage after that, read books and tried to nap.I was able to finish Tom Clancy's Patriot Games.I almost cried.It was a great novel.We slept a bit early after having our last dinner there.We left the resort at around eleven then proceeded to the enchanted cave.We drove to Tummy teasers and had pizza which was the specialty of the house for our lunch.Then we headed back to Manila.Francis drove so well that we reached home after a matter of only four hours or so.I was tired when i got home but I was so happy.I felt the inner peace once again and I was ready to let go more.It was a birthday that's so different from the usual birthdays i had. It was a good friday that's far more different from the other good fridays, yet they were two occasions that made me closer to HIM..to the one who made me little less than HIMSELF but has given me so much more than what I expected.As I opened my facebook, I was bombarded with a lot of greetings from people.I was so touched that I finally broke into tears.My life has been so blessed that I want to give back more.I am a teacher and will always be a teacher.This is the best thing GOD has given me.The two day encounter with him at Bolinao affirmed HIS Love for me more than ever.Until now, My heart is vulnerable to crying because I am so filled with joy.I dont know how long this bliss lasts..i pray it will be forever.

HOLY TUESDAY thoughts

it's holy tuesday and i am just simply in front of my computer trying to figure out what exactly to write in here.i have been basking in the wonderful galera beaches with friends.i have finally started to let out my usual free spirited self.it has been also a while since i last splurged into something i really want to do.being at galera allowed me to reminisce the youthful soul of my existence.i have recalled the wonderful times i had with my brother at the seas of our province.i love the water so much.just watching it from the shore somehow gives me the serenity i so long desire.being there too enabled me to think of where i am going.the whole year for me was so fast that i couldnt keep track with what's really happening.it was indeed so fast that i tend to forget that i have completed my academic requirements in my theology degree.what is next then for me?i am looking forward to write my paper.i am excited simply because this is gonna be something that comes from my heart.this is not something forced unto me but rather it is my choice.yes, i am going to be a theologian..a radical one.

my heart is also heavy at the moment.i miss my home and my family.knowing that my parents are getting older, my sisters and brother too are getting so caught up with their own lives.i just realize how i want so much to spend more time with them.i want to see my nephews grow up too.despite all these, i have to simply face the fact that i am here battling with my own journey.i am just more appreciative of the kind of life i have with them.deep down within me, i do wish to just simply be with them but....

i would be a year older in a couple of days.i am very much grateful for the life given unto me by GOD.The fact that He has given me what my heart truly wants is enough proof that i am not certainly living in vain.He has always shown me the path where i am most happy.I could not also deny that for the past couple of months or so, i have no zest to utter my prayers.i tend to be so caught up with all that i am doing that i fail to spend quality time with HIM but who can judge me about my relationship with my GOD?NO one.I may feel a bit of shame for not spending time with HIM more often but HE alone knows what is really in the deepest recesses of my being.At this very moment, I would like to honor HIM for always leading me back to HIM in his own pacing...in his own loving time.

I dont know if i will still teach in school this june.i have things in store for me and i need to give up a few.the very thought of me not anymore teaching is crushing me big time.it was even hard saying goodbye to them last march.it was so painful knowing i had spent great moments with them.It was hard not anymore going to laugh with them even at their corniest jokes.it was hard not to listen to each of them pouring out their emotions about a problem or a victory.this is sad for i always know it is only when i am teaching that i am given more life.I wish my decisions will be blessed.i am just thankful though i met all of these beautiful souls.i am so blessed again.for my more than 18 years of teaching, i have always been blessed..still, my heart is really breaking even with just the thought of leaving but i know there is more to life than this.im crossing my fingers though...may HE lead me to the truth about my journey again.

Why Have You Abandoned ME? (a recollection)

The priest yesterday asked the audience this question:"During Jesus' last moments when did you think he was hurt the most?" he was literally soliciting answers from the parishioners.the first answer came from the man seated in the front pew.He said that Jesus was hurt the most when the people shouted "crucify him." The priest added that yes, he did was hurt because the people who welcomed him to jerusalem joyously were those who also left him alone during those trying moments.Another reply came from a woman.She said in almost a whisper that Jesus was hurt when we sin.It was a nice answer said the the priest but he had to bring us to that context when Jesus had his last struggling moments.I was formulating my response in my head. I thought he was hurt the most when he felt his very own father had abandoned him.I was utterly surprised when an old woman confidently answered the same one i'd thought and the priest said that was the one he was waiting for.I almost choked myself to tears when the priest explained that Jesus felt so alone that time that he seemed to be overwhelmed with the feeling of being abandoned even by his own father.

alas, it was not in reality though.the father never left him.because jesus had carried all the burden of being tortured for the sake of us all, he felt that even the heavens that time was silent.when he was agonizing at the garden, he was i guess shaking with fear at the thought of dying.he had invisioned his death. the dread made him asked his father to take that cup from him.still, he acknowledged the will of the father.no matter what, it would be HIS will and not jesus' that would prevail.i agree when father said that GOD allowed jesus to experience that certain human suffering to fully fulfill what his mission was all about.the meritorious love he did for our salvation was enough proof that we are loved by our creator despite our being undeserving.yes! God during Jesus' last moment was just there.Quietly observing that event because he already designed the path that jesus would trod after 3 days.

i have been abandoned by people for countless times.literally, some people left me without any good reason at all.some left because they felt i am no good for them.a few left because they have to face physical death.still there were those who left because they said that was the best thing to do.i did abandon some people too.my reasons would be mostly because i felt they need to stand on their own.one time my best friend in cebu was nursing a broken heart because her boyfriend left her.i had to take the ship to go see her.she was so glad i came.i did all i could to get to know the facts about what happend to their relationship.i could sense that she was getting so dependent on me already.in fact she begged me to stay because she thought she couldnt make it through.i simply smiled and told her to go to work.in the afternoon, i wrote her a letter.i told her i need to let her be alone.she has to stand strong without me so she could see where she would go.i promised i was just around and i would know if and when she really needed me.i told her she needed to learn to let go alone.i took the ride back to my city.then i called her. she cried and she understood.right now, she's one of the strongest persons i know.had i been with her physically all throughout she would not have seen the beauty of deciding on her own.for sure she knew i didnt abandon her.

someone kept on coming back and leaving me too and everytime he does that, i always become an inch wiser.during those moments when i felt so alone and coping i would literally cry in anguish to GOD.most often than not i would lament.I would question HIM.i would obviously ask HIM what's happening again.there is no sense trying to keep things to myself.my heart of hearts knows that i am not really alone.HE is just here always.like jesus, i just feel that overwhelming sadness that i seem to really feel GOD has abandoned me.

the next time i am enveloped with sadness, i will just keep being steadfast knowing someone more powerful has suffered more than i do and i guess i would be alright.hope you do too.