Happy New Year 2014

I am with my family.There is nothing grand about the welcoming of another year. I just took videos of the fireworks display of the neighboring places then did my meditation/thanksgiving/prayer for all that has been and for all that will be.

I don't have any intention of making any resolutions.That is, at least major ones. I just want to be better,more grounded, more patient, more stable, more centered.

My family, on our holiday trip to Davao

I realized I have grown.I realized my family is just a part of my being but that I still have my own life to take care of. I just need to connect with them because whether I like it or not, they are the ones given to me.

at Namaskar Yoga Shala, taken my Jang

I have met 2 great souls online, both Asthangis at that. I am glad to chat with Andy, an Australian yogi.I like his energy, view of things and life. I like the free flowing conversation.No pretensions. I am also thankful to Jang. Her shala was a gift. After googling for any Asthanga shala, I have found hers. It was a great practice.Great satsang.Great family of hers too. 


I will be going back to Manila in a couple of days. What's in store is not my concern right now. I just want to stay present. Connected.

Happy New year, great souls!

Just saying..

Today is the last day of 2013 in school. I am looking forward to be home this saturday. I don't know what awaits during the holidays but one thing is certain though, i will be home.

While i was at the bus this morning, i allowed my thoughts to look back at the past. I wanted to feel that magic of love to someone who felt the same way. It was good being there... from the very beginning until my heart could not anymore contain the joy. That was the purest,the sweetest, the loveliest. I stopped my thoughts with a sigh knowing that it was then. I long to feel the same way. I long to have a man like him. 

I have grown now and i am still grateful about that love. I am grateful for that man. 

Namaste lovely souls.

Simply ordinary thoughts

Yogins at Denali's First birthday

There is my grateful heart for having met my yogi friends.It's my third year of being an asthangi. I am blessed with good teachers. More than that, I am glad my first teacher came back to journey with me again. I am still loving my Saturdays. I love the simple food, the laughter and the discourses. I love life. I love yoga.There are my students' depth experiences. As I was reading them today, I felt that I was led to penetrate into their very cores. My love for them has grown more in time. They are so human. Pained, tried, broken, bent but loved. I am grateful to have met them.

There is the coming Christmas vacation back home. I am both excited and numb. I am looking forward to go home. May the Universe bless my family with love, forgiveness, peace, joy and wisdom.

I will park now. A student is waiting online. 

Namaste!

 

Great day!~

Today's practice was very fluid, smooth, peaceful, quiet, relaxed and refreshing. I know i shouldn't compare one practice with another but I couldn't help but honor more the Universe for whatever transpired today. My first teacher's back and that's a BONUS. This self is happy because it has been a while since I last practiced with him. The after practice brunch turned into a great avenue for discussion about things that matter beyond yoga. It's overwhelming to know that I will be on my third year of being an asthangi and I know with the help of the Universe, I will go a long way.

Despite the hurdles and blocks along the way, what exactly matters is just today and because I was so present and I guess I still am, I feel I am the most peaceful specie in this whole Universe.

Here's sending you my great vibes, my light and and joy.

Namaste!

Yolanda wrath

The afternath of the supertyphoon is tremendous. There is no amount of words that would equate the pains that this tragedy has brought the filipinos. My heart cries 

again. Literally, my tears are cheap. 

Oms are sent. More oms.

Ahh universe. Pacify us.

Thoughts on a Sunday:)

My semestral break officially ends now. I am bent to face university life starting tomorrow. I am fated to deal with people of different sorts again. More importantly, I will meet the new set of earthlings under my wings.:)

As I am in my most crucial womanity stage, may I deal with pleasure and pain gracefully. May the Universe conspire with me and play along so well so that I wont create havoc of any form tomorrow.

Om shanti shanti.

Namaste.

Random thoughts

I have so much to thank God for. So much that I cant simply put them in words. The break that I have been enjoying from the university has allowed me to be aware of my nothingness in all aspects. I dreaded at some point my confrontation with my  own ego. It was painful but liberating at the same time.

I discovered that my dreams were not just dreams but reminders of people in my life. I wanted to ignore them when they occured during my sleep but today I was awaken knowing I should listen to this gift.

I am a bit disorganized now. I will write more later. In the meantime, I wish you the best there is to life.

Namaste!

Moonday thoughts

It's a moonday and for lack of a better word, I would like to say it's a HUGE thing for me. My  head is heavy and my body is energy-less. There is an urge to resist but it dawns on me that I have to honor nature supposedly.

Anyway, I am just grateful I am on a break from school this time so I have less casualty in case I would be monstrous-like. Ahhh, last night by the way, I was suddenly annoyed at my student. Poor thing:)

Emotions are low at some point. News about the devastating earthquake still trends. There is always something that is to be saddened about. Still, I believe that beyond these odds would spring hope and healing.

I have a query in my head..that is regarding my longing for intimacy. I am still figuring out why I cant love someone the way I have to. I mean, ahhh, for the lack of a better way to exlain it, let me just say, is there still someone out there who will sweep me off my feet? or is it just me still holding on to that "Fairy tale " love story?

Well, these and all are just bits and pieces of my everyday. The bigger picture of life offers me joy for I have with me the things that matter most. teaching, yoga, family (no matter how imperfect they are), friends (i mean real friends) and life of course.

Namaste!

Thank you LOVES

The semester has ended. I had so much fun with my loves. All of them had contributed to make the encounter a success. I'd like to thank them and forever they'll be missed.

Glasses , where are you?

Wanting to wear my glasses again but i realized i have lost them for awhile now.where in the world could i have lost them. Ahh, universe please bring them to

me:)

Happiness:)

It was a magical day for me. After ten long years,  my friends Neo and Eric were ordained deacons of the society of jesus. My happiness is beyond compare. Im glad I am part of their journey. This mystery. Im looking forward this summer for them to become priests. God is indeed good.

Thoughts

Like I have no choice but crumble again so I could stand stronger than ever. Depressing weather hit us the whole week. I was all alone at home trying to stay sane despite my worries about the water going up and not anymore having enough food supply. The  mind is so clogged with thoughts. Emotions wavered. Breathed.Sighed. Breathed.

I survive.Still in tact.Fighting, moving ahead. Aja:)

Today, a Sunday

The moon i guess is getting fuller.i could feel my body's lethargic again. Yesterday's practice was intense, not to mention me falling from being assisted by a teacher. I didnt exactly know why and how it happened. All i knew was i heard a loud thug as my head hit the floor. Good thing there was the mat and my fall was low. The teacher was worried bout it... I must say, sometimes life allows us to fall in order to rise.

I was happy being with the yogins after the practice yet i woke up tired today. I had dreams of black snakes twice. One was me being approached by this dreaded crawling animal. I smell something bad. Though i am worried , i am resigning the events that will come along.

The weather is bad today and just like it, i feel gloomy. Whew! Moon day, stormy, .. Ahh universe bless me.

OM.

yeah..

It!s been awhile. Life has been the usual roller coaster ride. Work .at least my encounter with my students, is still very grace-filled. Outside of this, i must say tiring.

I have given up online students so budget is tight. It wasnt easy saying no to a kid who just wanted to learn. I was just really stressed out.

I needed to let go one of my PhD classes. Time is not on my side.it wasnt easy though. I feel like making my professor grow a year older.

It was a series of letting go's. I still need to live life.

Practice is good,thankfully.

giving up..(i guess)

The whole week has been both fulfilling and  tiring. My breath has become shorter as i climb the stairs. My body's tired and wanted rest. My mind has been wanting to relax.

Part of me wants to give all my academic endeavors up. I have been haunted with the question: what exactly is the significance of my toil?

Of course i am very grateful with my students. Nothing compares with my encounter with them but what constrain me are the meetings, paperworks and people who are too full of themselves (i guess i am one of them).

I want to retreat. I want to stay longer on the mat. I want to breathe more. I want my body to be at ease again.

Om. I want to live. Work is killing my body. Except for my teaching, i want to give up everything else.

TWO WEEKS highlights

It has been two weeks since the new school year opened. Since then I have been climbing up and  down the highest floors of three different  buildings at the university. It has also been two weeks since I started waking up as early as 3:15 in the morning to get myself ready for school. I have been tired since then.

It has also been two weeks since I  first met my lovely students. It  has been two weeks of disclosures, not to mention the emotional  outpourings of my wounded souls. I have been both sad and grateful for them.

It has also been two weeks since I  last practiced with teacher Arne and today is his last practice with the manila yogins. I am not there.

I am grateful I am still filled with joy despite my being tired. I love these bunch of souls and im hoping to continue journeying with them.

Today is friday. I am glad I can rest.

Namaste!

Weeklong Highlights

The school year is about the begin. I only have like 3 days before I'll start waking up at 3:30 in the morning again and will be sitting for more than an hour on a bus to go to school. Aside from this routine, there will be more hurdles to take..textbook writing, PhD classes, papers, students problems and all that. This is life for me then for another year. I bet I dont have the right to lament for now.

Anyway, the week has given me so much. I have all the emotions felt.

Shocked over the death of a dear student. Just like that, she's gone so soon after being hit by a bus. I relearned something. I am very temporal therefore i need to detach, detach and detach from all that will make me lesser than a good person.

Grateful yet sad for I just culminated my practice at the Makati shala with teacher Arne. I have missed the heat, the energy, the warmth and the teacher's patience, gentleness and firmness all rolled into one. I wrote him a thank you message and this is his reply.

Teacher Arne

           

It has been a pleasure for me too
Thank you Jennifer for your kind message.
Keep up the good work and remember that the asanas are just a vehicule, not the goal. With patience and dedication everything will come. "Practice practice and all is coming" Guruji used to say.
Sending you a big hug and hopefully you will find a time to come practice one day on the following weeks or in the future.

Take care.
Big hug.

Arne.

Ahh, such a sweet one.a true guru.

With Ate Gina

                          

Happy and Grateful for the encounter with simple folks at Cabuyao. The few hours of living with Ate Gina's household reminded me that we are all connected. Our troubles are similar. We could always learn from each other and that we are all created by one and the same God therefore we are all special.


I am a bit tired too. Womanity again?!:)

This is it. I am bent to have some busy months ahead. Despite this , my practice will continue. This is after all what matters most.

Namaste.

Last of June

I was supposed to practice today but for some reasons I didnt. Actually, I felt a bit hesitant thinking i 'll be weaker with some poses. My competitive self is taking the limelight. I know I  should not think about not being good enough with my practice as this is not what yoga is. Last night i kept on dreaming about being at the shala ..being with the yogins and all.

This morning, I should have been there but my ego sets in. I am here instead, laidback, thinking, doing stuff i should not have done.

I am here trying to reconnect with my imperfect self. Tired maybe, but still conscious I did a few not so good choices this last day of May.

I'm still glad I'm  here. Pensive. Collected.

randomness on a friday

My acidity is getting hyped up. I feel tired having this ordeal but i have no choice but deal with the pain  as i am also responsible  for its recurrence.

Life has been frenetic for me this summer and i guess it will be like this from hereon since it will be school time again very soon.

I do wish to rest longer. Like going to the beach or the mountains. ( please universe, let me.)

Anyway, more than anything else i need to practice more. I miss so much my mat, the shalas and my like minds.

Namaste!

Thoughts ....

Christology class with father Lode Wostyn, cicm

We have just ended our summer classes in the very tedious PhD in theology. I feel a deep sense of relief knowing at last after more than a month i can get back the normalcy that I have so missed. I am happy being laid back again (at least for a few days). My house is wanting the care it deserves also and I have to say I have tons of laundry already. (Ohh, I am glad I did the cleaning and the washing this morning on the second day of my period, huh!)

So what have I exactly gotten from my theological wrangling? I am not actually that happy realizing that the language is not just really something I am very interested about. My heart is not that whole in this particular endeavor. I know where I want to go and at this juncture...I must say,I am not made to be a theologian in the real sense of the word.

I may still get some subjects come opening of the school year but it does not necessarily mean I will die for this. My practice has been sacrificed already and my peace of mind has been affected. I am not a scholar.I am a spiritual human being.

I love my professors, specially the very wise Father Lode. More than anything else, I love my classmates and they are one  of the very few reasons I might continue this  but I already know what I actually want. I am just waiting for the right timing. I just want to deepen my practice. I just want to live a stress-free life. Slow..gentle.calm..happy life.

my Father Lode:)

                                      

                                                   Namaste everyone.Embrace your peace.

PhD...is it for real?

With my classmates and professor in Theological Research

I have survived the first two weeks of PhD program in Theology.It was honestly a roller coaster ride for me as I still feel like an alien invading an unknown territory. Being with classmates who  more or less have background with Theology stuff, I  categorize myself as an underdog. My one year teaching experience in the field doesn't suffice. There seems to be many things I have to learn. Doing discourse analysis is tough.I had a hard time connecting theological matters.

What am I doing here? was the very first question I asked the group in one of our classes in Biblical research. I was just very overwhelmed. My classmates are great people to be with.The professors are nice, so far. Still, I feel this is not really for me.

It's summer and I have nothing BIG to do so I decided to give this study a go. The school is also generous enough to grant me free tuition and some  monetary subsidy. I am blessed certainly. It is just too heavy for me. I feel like I have to go back from scratch.

Is this really for me? I still could not reconcile the idea that I am trudging this path. I dont know if I am resisting but I really wish I could go back to teaching English.

 Tomorrow is another day in school. Another subject.another professor.

Oh , Universe, lead me please.

Om.

Yes, that Mexican teacher is good

Today is a holiday and I decided to join the practice at the other shala. I was hesitant at fist because I had a feeling that the place was not convenient for me. Connie, my guru, was kind enough to pick me up so i really had no choice but joined her.

The universe had  its own way of unfolding surprises to me. First surprise was for me to be in a shala that's not familiar.Not to mention the bikram state of the room. I was already profusely sweating just by doing my suryas. It was also amusing to see that I was literally in a place where mirrors were all around.I could see myself from my downward dogs and binds.Nice.

The teacher (a mexican and whose name is arne) roamed around the place while checking on us. He was , as expected , gentle in his adjustments. He didnt anymore let me do the second series. Instead he asked me to do backbends. He asked me if I could do drop back, I said yes.

I had always this hesitation to come up without the wall thinking my legs arent that strong yet.You know what? I didnt know how he did that but after assisting me to come up, he left me on my own and God, I was able to come up alone.I was so happy that I hugged Connie who was beside me. I could not contain my joy so I was literally jumping. The mexican teacher just  smiled from afar.

He was there while I was doing my forward bends. God, I was really so happy.

It was a hot day yes. My face was literally red and sweating but I could not believe there's that huge surprise for me. My coming up from my backbend.

I thanked teacher Arne before I went home.I will never forget him. I will be back to practice with him for sure.

Yes, he was good,Next to Jon, I guess I have found another guru.(at least for a few weeks)..

Namaste!

Yes, I'm 42

I am blessed.I am almost going to be fifty.( 8 years from now)
Today, I am 42.I am still alone but happy.I am not saying there are no hitches because there are. In fact, countless of them but life as I see it has opened up better doors for me. There are chapters finally closed. There will be many to be unfolded. In the midst of the

goodbyes and hellos, I am constantly grateful for this borrowed life.

I am uncertain where to go and what to do. Despite this, I just trust my heart that the Universe will bring me to places that I truly deserve. I trust that it will lead me to people that I truly need.

I am just happy today. It is all that really matters.

Namaste!

A GOOD FRIDAY PRACTICE

The whole christendom is commemorating the death of Jesus Christ today, I supposed. I am a Catholic, yes, and a theologian at that. It has been a while since I forego joining Church rituals during the lemten  season. I have learned to make a  more profound way of remembering Jesus' passion, death and resurrection. I am wholly at home since Monday. There are prayers , meditations and lighting of incense that are done. Because I am alone, it is not difficult for me to keep in touch with what's within me. Alas, my journey has been tough.

With the full moon and the heat, emotions again struggle generally. My body's sore and my breathing dragging. There are issues that constantly haunt me..that of my family(my father's behavior, specially). Food consists mostly of veggies and fruits. I have only eaten rice once this week.:)

This morning, I went to joji's place to practice. Steph was there too. It was really hot and we were contemplating of not pushing through with the asanas. Yogins as we are, we finally convinced ourselves to practice.

I did my primary. I sweated a lot and i loved it. Binding was easier and i felt very light. It was just not to my legs' favor. When i came up from my drop backs, I could not straighten my legs. Joji had to assist me. Dear Universe, Please give me strong legs.:)

Food was very simple but healthy. Conversation was light, humorous and passionate in a way. I love my yoga friends. We were able to watch a film about the Tibetan's practice of choosing the reincarnated dalai lama. (The UNMISTAKEN CHILD)

It was nice lounging with the two yogins. It was a good friday and what better way to remember Jesus' suffering than to be with people with a common cause.

We had to go. It was hot outside. I am filled with peace and joy now. I am glad i perspired and I am thankful for today.

Namaste.

Summer thoughts

It's officially the start of my summer break.(At least for a couple of weeks).There are a few things to look forward to during this hot season.
It's my 42nd birthday and another year of being unattached. The beauty of it is that I am still free. What's a bit frustrating is that I still havent met the one that's swept me off my feet.(Or better yet..have i still not gotten over my cinderella syndrome?)Sigh!

I am more than fifty percent bent to grab the chance to venture into another higher degree in theology.For the love of studying, i wish I am doing the right thing.

Then there is my desire to be more dedicated to my practice.With this, I am looking forward to join a series of meditation classes at the Buddhist temple.It is not cool to stay home all the time.The mind wanders off and oftentimes, it's brought me more harm than good.

My prayers are constant for my family. Such dysfunction is happening at home and even if I am far I am still affected. There is a need for healing and strength.

More than all these laments, I am truly grateful for this process of growth. With the moon smiling fully tonight, I am in deep sorrow for all my shortcomings and I am looking forward for a better 42.

Einstein on Buddhism

Einstein on Buddhism

“A human being is part of the whole, called by us ‘Universe’; a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely but striving for such achievement is, in itself, a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.”

Richard and Amy

Yesterday,  as I was with the whole university community for a recollection, my dear student Richard sent me identical messages telling me he's tired of crying. He told me his wife of more than two months died and that the pain was just too much.

It was a numbing experience for me because the first thing that came  to my mind was to see him and just hug him but I couldn't. It was so sudden and I haven't had any inkling that his young wife was sick.I found time to go out of the session hall and called him.That was the first time I heard him so vulnerable.He was crying still and I really could not say anything more than just asking him what else can I do for him.

Richard is 22 and I guess his wife was 26. Theirs was an arranged marriage but it was a blessed one.He has started loving  her since then.

This young gentleman has shared a part of his journey with me even until the semester ended. I am thankful that I was one of those he had trusted of his decision making..his dilemnas, his growth as married man. More than anything else, we are not just into a teacher-student relationship but we are friends.

With the sudden death of his wife, I cant imagine the pains that he's into. A more than two-month old  union  which was so full of hope and promises for a great future just ended like that.  At 22, and is still beginning to understand what loving beyond love is, I could not envision how he would cope with the loss. Yet, because he's got a strong back up from HIS GOD, there is also no doubt that he would survive and would become a better man.

We had thoughts of meeting together with his wife but I guess it wont happen anymore. All i would have would be more lovely stories about her from a husband who's now bereft of a great loving woman. As I write this, there is heaviness in my heart.

I wish I could visit the wake and if I couldn't the UNIVERSE will certainly bring them my prayers for comfort.

Death is a physical parting, I believe so. It is breaking people's hearts, yes. It is going to be a foe for a while but in the long run too, death will serve as a reminder that this is not our home here and we don't actually own the people we care about. It will allow us then to give what we can to those around while we can. We don't know the hour it will take us but death...is just here.

We need therefore to love beyond love just like what the young wife Amy did to Richard. It is all that matters in life.

I just wish I were as sublime as her. May she rest in peace and I am grateful to her to come into my dear student's life.

Namaste everyone.Let's take care of people we are with.

I miss so many simple stuffs

It's almost the third month of 2013 and what am I doing? I am actually periody right now so I guess I am a bit pensive.Perhaps even nostalgic and down.Anyway, let's pretend I am normal and that I am thinking straight.

Let's see then what this hormonal mermaid is capable of expressing at this stage.

1. I miss reading BIG TIME because I am a becoming more of a TV person. What with the great shows laid before me. I need to shift gear. I am aching to be laid back while having some good reads.

2. I miss the BEACH and I am wishing to have my tan this summer.Oh, please Universe lead me there. I want to swim, frolick and forget about work and all.

3. I miss Dorothy and the times we spent together. I want so much to go to Korea soon. Is there a way I can be there this summer?

4. I miss so many people.

More than anything else I  miss my childhood.

This yogin is acting human and because she is.

Namste! (I have a bug GRIN now:)

Inspiration for today

"There is only one important point you must keep in your mind and let it be your guide. No matter what people call you, you are just who you are. Keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us, not even the Buddha. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life?”
~Dalai Lama XIV~

Need I say More? (Coelho spoke it all for me)

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are. 

~Paulo Coelho~

Sayama - Gently Awakening

Life at its vulnerable moments..life at its struggling times.
There is always a space for the soul to be healed..gently.
For life in the bigger scheme of things is BEAUTIFUL..PURE..LOVED.