Gratitude

Last night was heavy for me. The urgency to do that stuff was uncontrollable. It was a good chance to cry though and pray harder than usual . That was the first emotional prayer for 2012. I must be grateful.

The longing was tremendous. There was no way to describe it. The night was long but I couldn't get that sleep immediately. There seemed to be a void of some sort. I thought I would get crazy. I wanted to talk and hug someone. I wished to be assured that things are alright. There was no one though. I only remained steadfast that I was talking to a God so invisible but real. It has always been that way.

This morning was a different story. The first day of my practice at the Shala was filled with great vibes. I have missed the likeminds, the breathings, the smiles and everything in that place. I am grateful for today...grateful for the saving grace.

Namaste!

Happy New Year

After so long a time, I must say this is the most peaceful year ender for me.Though I am alone, I am still able to be productive. I was able to talk to my parents and asked for forgiveness . I have written some details in my thesis. I have laughed hard and more than anything else I have made peace .

I don't make any resolutions anymore. I just live each day as if it's my last. Even if I am scared as to my PMS thing,I guess I will be fine.

I am looking forward for more yogic experience . I am also getting excited for my thesis and hopefully graduation.

What else is there? I am going to keep being open to the leading of energies.

I am glad I end the year right. Tomorrow will take it's place.

Taking time.

Namaste!

Hello sun

I woke up earlier today to go to the public market. I decided to walk as I felt it a need . I have missed my early morning walks already. Since I did yoga, my moments with the sun and the fresh ground have been less.

Anyway, as I was heading to the market I couldn't help but be awed at the great sunrise. It was as if the sun told me something of great importance. It's the new year very soon and with it comes the bright shining ray of hope for a better and more productive year.

I am still certainly going to be alone this new year's eve. More prayers and reflections will happen, for sure.

I wish everyone a sun shiny day and year ahead.

Namaste!

Alone on christmas

I have only Santa with me this Christmas. I guess it's better this way than causing more pains to my kin.

Despite life's brokenness, I'm wishing everyone a blessed Christmas.

Namaste!

Christmas radical thoughts

It's Christmas tomorrow and what does this self believe?
Well, I am not gonna lie that I am becoming less appreciative of this tradition. My childlike excitement vanishes at some point . There are less , if not, zero wishes for myself.
Life is cheap specially that my beloved hometown has been terribly hit by nature's wrath. My family is alright but there is a strain that affects my connection with them. All because of this perennial woman thing , maybe.
I will certainly stay in my pad the whole time, unless of course , there's a viable invitation. There will be less to eat. I just wish i could give more.
This self has become more radical in the way Christmas is celebrated. As I age and become more independent, there appear better options than lavish spending .

I woke up today after having great dreams. They sufficed what I missed and longed for.

I called them saving grace.

I still wish everyone a great and blessed Christmas. May you have peace!


Namaste!

Sad news

Today, I had a blast.from having a great practice and a great movie then the traffic that's sickening ...
What's highlighting this day is the terrible advent of the typhoon that hit my hometown Big Time. I am glad my family's alright despite the odds but my heart breaks seeing the horrendous aftermath of the disaster. My hometown has been trending today. The urge to go home is very strong.I don't know what awaits me but I am hoping for the best. I pray everyone gets healed from this. I know how it is. Been there...

An intense morning

I was supposed to go to the Shala today but the heaviness that I felt both physical and emotional, not to mention spiritual, moved me to gather my mat downstairs and confronted myself again and my Maker , of course. It was my longest cry since I dont know when. It was such a painful encounter of my vulnerabilities again. I must say it wasn't the first time. Certainly,self scolding happens every now and then. Humanity with all it's frailties should be dealt with for life.

Broken, humbled, waiting, hopeful...
These exactly describe that encounter on my mat. I called Him my Maker, Energy , Force ... I was totally there just letting things go.

It was a cleansing and therapeutic immersion. This self is now revived.

Just look at the smile. Thank you Lord, always .

Random thoughts today

So I almost forgot it's the holiday season once again. What have I done so far to prepare myself to the coming of the messiah ? I need to say I am becoming His prodigal daughter again. What then shall I do to make this season truly a joyous one? I honestly don't know anymore for now. In all aspects I am lacking . More importantly, I feel unworthy to receive him. I lack everything. This Christmas I just truly want to renew the zest for my life in all aspects. My spirit is dampened but I'm sure there is growth even in the driest of land. Somewhere there is life. I believe so.

Reflection

My desk reflects the state of mind this mortal has. I am trying to put ideas into their right perspective but most often than not I simply can't. I have barely 3 months more prior to my defense. May the Lord of wisdom grant me what I need to finish this writing.

Life is still sweet, you know

Lunch today was a sweet one. I had my favorite blueberry muffin and donut. I was trying to put things in perspective , my wandering mind specially . 'tis the season to be jolly , they say.I'm taking my time. I maybe consumed by some things , I'm pretty sure once emptied I will be renewed again. After all,life is still sweet, you know.

About to sink...

Like the moon which periodically appears, my life is not spared from the rise and fall of energy. My mind is equally wandering most of the time.worries here and there are stuff that cause me sleepless nights. Emotions fluctuate too. Oh dear Santa, please grant me peace this Christmas season.

It's the first of December

Christmas is just around the corner is what the old adage would say. I dont really know what would make this christmas different from all the other christmases that i had. I still dont have my ticket for my vacation at home.In fact i dont still know if ill go home. I am becoming too independent that i dont think id ever feel lonely if id spend christmas alone.

Stll, i believe I need to go back and be with my folks. I am still a member of a family and I have an obligation as a daughter to honor my parents despite and inspite of. I still have friends in my hometown and there are still few reasons for me to go back.

Life as it is ...Christmas as it is. Looking forward.

Just noting

It's my first time to blog using my iPod.I am resting on my favorite mat on the floor on this cozy saturday afternoon. It's the first day of my monthly ordeal and I feel that so much of my energy is flowing out. Lower back pains are bearable but disturbing so I have no choice but rest. The practice today was fine though a bit heavy . I didn't know that my period served me in the middle of my asanas. I was glad I was able to do my full practice with full back bends and drop backs. That was a gift!


Lunch consisted of tuna sandwich and carrot bar with four seasons juice.on my way out, I passed by Sony ericsson display area and I was captivated by it's latest design. I stopped for a moment and requested for the reddish color but they told me it's not available.now, my penchant for red gadgets overwhelmed ne again. Anyway,great songs are playing right now on my favorite fm station. Guess what? I'm feeling so comfy just being in my place but I'm still wishing I was somewhere far..,in the beach alone with my books or with someone who would make my
heart beat again ...Ahhh this weather is just great!

Thursday the 17th of november

Life has been fine with me these past few days in the midst of all the mind boggling thesis writing stuff. I was trying to finish at least my Chapter I but  I ended up groping for good ideas. Because I am mostly confined at home I am faced with chores and students.There is also the TV that constantly invites me to watch good programs. You see, I only have five hours away from teaching each day. I simply dont know sometimes how to apportion this to cater to what I have to do. I cant help but create random thoughts of quitting my work to concentrate on writing but I know it's too impossible. I need to work to fend for myself and to help my family. It is a burden at times to think that I am not really that firee financially. Still, I am positive things will turn out alright.


This morning I had my early practice at the shala. I was at first contemplating whether to go or not a because I felt sluggish. I've got slight colds and my muscles are heavy and tired. In the end, I was brought to my favorite place, the shala. There were only few women there and It was a good chance for me to be more attuned with my poses with my teachers' assistance. I love my morning.




     




Because it was way too early for the  malls to open, I decided to stay by the poolside of the hotel and relax. I didnt know that the time I spent there gave me bliss. Simply staring at the cool and bright clear water, I managed to forget that there were tasks to do outside my yoga mat. That time I was just chilling....wanting to sleep even.


There are not so pleasant things happening at home but we managed to cope with them. I just realized life is too short to be very concerned of what's not yet there. I guess the future shouldn't be worried too much .What is really important is the NOW. I should not forget this classic lesson in life. in There are  my parents who are aging,my siblings and my work. I have to take things as they come or else I might be caught up with what's still an illusion.

My EWA experience

the Feminists

    

The Ecclesia of Women in Asia 5 has just culminated and I am so grateful for the opportunity to be part of it. Almost forty women (feminist) in Asia and the US as well gathered in Kuala Lumpur Malayisa to tackle issues related to women. Specifically, this year's theme was Wired Asia, Toward an Asian Feminist Theology of Human Connectivity. It was my first time to join an international endeavor like this and what made it so special was the fact that I was given the chanc to present my paper to these great women.

Dancing with joy

                                     

I was thinking I would be presenting on the second day but It was a surprise knowing I was the first presentor. I was totally panicking few hours before the conference kicked off. As I started delivering my 20-minute presentation, I realized that I was not anymore my usual self. I noticed that in front of
me were women who were totally supportive of me.I saw how interested they were of my paper.
 After my talk and the dialogue with the other participants, I was bombarded with all praises from these same women. They liked my paper because it was something new. They like my presentation as well. I was totally empowered. I never did imagine I would become that confident. I am forever thankful to my mentor for not giving up on me.

with my mentor, Ma'am Agnes

                                  

As the conference went on, I have come to realize that new doors have opened up for me.
My heart seemed to explode hearing from my mentor how confident she was of me. I have often wondered where my theology struggles will lead me but after the five day encounter with my fellow feminists, I knew I was on the right track...and i still am.

                                 

Thank you everyone.See you again soon.

  

I was emotional on the last day of the conference. I felt so blessed just being there. More than that,I felt so relieved knowing I have found my support system. Sharon Bong told me she's glad I was able to make it there. I was immensely grateful that I have found my place in this venture. It's good to be safe. It's good to have a home again.

EWA conference

Family

I was with my brother last night for dinner with a bottle of red wine.We talked a lot about our family, our frustrations, disppointments, dreams and plans for everyone at home. I felt relieved having shared with him what I have been going through inside about this family. It was nice knowing we share the same feelings and thoughts. Most of the things discussed were circled on disappointments over the vicious cycle that has been going around for years. It is really putting a heavy burden on our chest. I was glad we talked again.It was good to know i have a brother out there.

I woke up today perplexed. Apart from my sore muscles from the intense yoga yesterday, I am totally burdened about my family. I know i dont have to but I cant help it. I felt annoyed and disappointed. Is this really what family is all about....Where everyone seems to just depend from you all their lives? Do i sound selfish?I feel I am not growing an inch when it's all about them. I dont know.Is there really a way out?Sometimes, Id rather forget everything. Sometimes I even think of why on earth could i not choose the kind of family I should be in. It's not for me to answer, I know. There are reasons why things happen. The least that I can do is accept things as they are and just do what i can do about some hitches. Less expectations , less worries.

My brother and I realized that our family has contributed a lot to the kind of persons we are to day. Our strong personalities have been influenced much by the genes that we have. There is nothing we can do about that. We just have to overcome those that are not pleasant. I am glad I have a strong faith in a Higher being. I guess He is leading me to the right direction.

I still need to grow each day and it's not a piece of cake. It means hard work. Family is always family. It's the only one I have . I just pray things are going to fine, really fine.....

Coldplay - Fix You .....I'm loving it BIG TIME!

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I was watching the finale of You think you can dance 7 when a couple performed a dance using this as the theme.I exactly knew what I felt upon hearing it. GOOSEBUMPS! I felt I was carried away towards the heavens. i bet this song wasnt meant to be religious but i was able to attach a very spiritual meaning into it. Will there really be a man who would tell me over and over again that he'll try to fix me when I'm too broken?

Just recently an ex came back and tried to persuade me that he loves me still.funny because I knew his intentions weren't sincere. How could he be when he is in a relationship now ?I knew he wanted to manipulate me again to satisfy his greed. Ladies and gentlemen, this woman would not allow any man to hurt her.Anyway,going back to the song.....

There is healing in this song. A human heart that's frail is capable of being strong when someone is willing to help. Friends, family, anyone who has the capacity to be there in our brokenness. I was struck with the word..TRY.. This earthling promises that she'll do her best to help until the very end,

The brokenness in this world abounds. I am reminded of my moral obligation to serve in my own ways. As a teacher, I am always trying to fix people.I will not stop. For as long as I live and until there is a soul that's going to need me, I will help fix them.

Namaste!

IMAGINE!

i love humanity. watching reality shows always touch my core. through these, i am being grounded and am more appreciative of what I have. This episode has crippled me BIG TIME. Complaining about life that's not being fair to me at times, I felt being slapped on the face by watching this. I am humbled.


What has his story spoken for me? A lot, actually. Life isnt that cruel after all.Things happen for good reasons and most often the reasons are for the best. This guy and his story should serve more than just a lesson. There is always life after all the strife. Stop Complaining.


He may not be the winner of the show but HE has already won the hearts of everyone.That is even more than just the fame.HE is a WINNER for he's survived life's toughest moments.


I am glad. I am grateful.


"Imagine there's no heaven....then we should make one here."


Namaste!

Things I am grateful for this week

Everyday is a new day for me.I am always thankful for the LIFE  despite my being unworthy. More than anything else, this week has been a very blessed one. I couldnt even imagine I have received more than I expected.

Startng off with my paper for the conference in Malaysia. I thought I would not be able to make it for it took me almost a month to go back to writing again. I was even telling God that I would not go. I was feeling hopeless and depressed for a while but I was suddenly brought back to my senses. I didnt know how and when it happened but here I am happy to share that I have already submitted my final paper. I am grateful for the wisdom and most importantly I am grateful to my adviser who never gave up on me. In her own quiet ways she has inspired me to write for I know she has deep faith in me. Because of this upcoming activity I was able to be reunited with a classmate.We have booked our tickets and we're just waiting for the final date. I am very happy for this blessing.

I have also spoken with my parents and there was forgiveness that happend. My father is always the forgiving type. Despite my being an unworthy daughter at times, he always has good words for me. Mom may not be as expressive as dad but i know she cares too. I just need to be able to understand them.My very imperfect family loves me more than I know it. I am grateful for this.

I am also thankful for the trust given my few friends. I am claiming victory today. The universe has done its part successfully. I am very glad for all these.

This heart remains joyful and peaceful.

Namaste!